#83: "Umm. Wow, how...unique." (And other responses to our non-traditional wedding rings)

                                    Our wedding rings!

The rumors are true: the wedding band that I chose is a teeny tiny brushed gold heart ring that looks like it could be purchased for 25 cents from a vending machine that also sells stickers and temporary tattoos of Miley Cyrus. Brian's is an official gold replica of the "One Ring" from Lord of the Rings, right down to the Elvish inscription along the outside and inside of the band. And we're damn proud of it.

One liberating lesson I've learned from wedding planning is that you don't need to have a traditional approach to traditions. Wearing rings to symbolize our commitment was a meaningful tradition for us, but we also saw the rings as everyday accessories that would be worn when working, when shopping for dandruff shampoo, when tickling our niece and nephew's tiny butts off, when Brian is playing laser tag with friends (yes, some 30-year-olds play laser tag), and when I'm chillin' with nuns at silent retreats (yes, some 30-year-olds chill with nuns in contemplative silence for 3 days - by choice!).

Therefore, we wanted rings that suited our lifestyle, reflected our values, and didn't clash with our everyday wardrobes. (We had a similar approach to our wedding reception - we wanted the party to be "us" not a fancy version of us.)

My wedding ring choice was affected by the fact that I didn't receive a typical engagement ring. I do not own the latter because:

• I didn't want a diamond
• I couldn't afford a high quality synthetic diamond (like moissanite)
• I couldn't find an antique non-diamond ring that I liked or that we could afford
• Brian has known for years that he would give his wife-to-be the 50th anniversary band he inherited from his late grandmother as an engagement ring.

So my wedding ring had high standards to live up to. It was to be the one ring I got to choose - not one that was given to me based on someone else's preference or budget (although I do love Grandma's ring for sentimental reasons). I was looking for a piece of jewelry that moved me to quietly squeal a little bit when no one was around.

Back when I was deciding between my gold heart ring and a more traditional one, I put up a survey on Facebook to get my friends' opinions. The question was: Should I get the ring that's very "me" as I am now, or should I get a pretty but less exciting one that I can grow into as I age? The votes were even, but the comment that pushed me toward my unconventional choice was this: "Go with the traditional ring because you might want to leave it to a daughter or granddaughter as part of your inheritance."

I've got no problem with friends talking about my own impending death on Facebook. But I DO have a problem with buying jewelry with the intention of making someone else's happiness a priority over mine. Especially if this person is a mere glimmer in my husband's eye (or a swimmer in my husband's gene pool). Wedding planning involves taking other's happiness into some consideration because you're a host, after all. But the wedding ring? Ain't nobody gotta love it but me.

I want to wear a piece of jewelry that I love NOW, not something that I might potentially love when I'm 65. Because if I truly love it now for all the right reasons (it's cute 'n casual, it's made by a very ethically kick-ass local artisan who has an eco-friendly and spiritual approach to jewelry making, it's under $300, and it matches pretty much ALL of my outfits), then I will love it when I'm my grandkids' favorite wrinkly little Bingo player. Why? Because you never regret choices that are a true reflection of your values. It's called shopping with integrity, which never goes out of style (even when/ if my wedding ring does).



                                It doesn't get more "me" than this, folks.

#82: What is your relationship to tradition?

When I say wedding traditions what do you think of? What pre-wedding activities come to mind? What does a traditional ceremony feel like? What happens at a traditional wedding reception?

Now...what was your emotional response to these traditions? Did they make you feel excited, comforted, ambivalent, or like you were two seconds from puking? What I'm really trying to ask is: What is your relationship to tradition?

Here's another exercise that will help you carve out an answer: check out Dictionary.com's definition of tradition below and be aware of which one grabs you.

tra·di·tion

 /trəˈdɪʃən/ Show Spelled[truh-dish-uhn] 

–noun

1. the handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, information, etc., from generation to generation, esp. by word of mouth or by practice: a story that has come down to us by popular tradition.

2. something that is handed down: the traditions of the Eskimos.

3. a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting: The rebellious students wanted to break with tradition.

4. a continuing pattern of culture beliefs or practices.

5. a customary or characteristic method or manner: The winner took a victory lap in the usual track tradition.

Like I said, which one grabs you? Which one creates the biggest emotional response?

These are important questions to ask yourself because wedding planning is the process of picking, choosing, honoring and challenging the traditions of your family and culture.

I'm not here to argue which traditions you should follow, or which you should throw out and why. But as a person whose peers are shocked by her old-fashioned ways (What?! You don't drink or smoke or use curse words beyond the occasional "ass", or have pre-marital bow-chicka-wow-wow with Brian??), and whose church community finds her surprisingly liberal and radical (What?! You support gay marriage?? And you don't think Obama and Oprah have an evil anti-Christian agenda??), I've spent a lifetime weighing which traditions are meaningful to me and which aren't. And this practice of ongoing reflection enabled me to design and enjoy my incredibly meaningful and so-perfect-my-heart-almost-burst wedding ceremony. (Remember the awful time I had during our reception? Well, the ceremony totally offset that snag in the day. Hands down. Thank God.)

So all I'm trying to say is that I advocate reflection on what is meaningful to you and why. Because your wedding is not a competition to see how unique and non-conformist you can be, or how your day stacks up to millions of other fancy parties and white dresses that have gone before you. Your wedding is about finding meaning, making meaning, and feeling joy and gratitude as a result of it all.

I'd love to hear which wedding traditions you are upholding and why they are meaningful to you. Which ones are you scrapping? Which traditions are you tweaking and how?


Photo credit

#32: Why I Hate Bridal Showers (and why I loved mine)

                    My strawberry shortcake-flavored prize for being engaged

Here are 3 things that make me feel uncomfortable:

1. opening a gift in front of the gift-giver (What if I have to pretend to like my present? I hate to feign an excited shrill or ear-to-ear smile, but fine, I'll do it to protect a friend's feelings from being hurt.)

2. mixing one group of my friends with another (What if they don't get along, or if one person feels uncomfortable, left out, or bored?)

3. being the host of a party and only having enough time to do a quick "meet-and-greet" dance from table to table.

So a bridal shower? Not exactly up my alley.  Especially since all of my friends and family would be trapped in a room, forced to engage in small talk over a drawn out process of opening gift-wrapped boxes, and participate in a 3-hour chorus of collective "Awww!'s".

                          The favors: 2 yummy flavors of tea in a pretty box

But here are a few lessons that I learned from the surprisingly lovely, funny, and tearful shower that my sister and my mom threw for me:

• Friends and family just want you to have a good time, even more so than they want themselves to be happy. So if there's anything you are "obligated" to do (whether we're talking your shower or your wedding) it's simply to eat cake and be merry!

                                     Me (far left) and the women I love

• I am not responsible for making everyone feel happy and comfortable 100% of the time. I can do my best, but if someone is bored, or doesn't approve of my casual attitude, or doesn't like the menu, well then I guess we'll all just have to be grown-ups about it and make do. I'm not their mom and they are not children. So I have to stop pressuring myself to be the protector of everyone's feelings.

                         (L to R): future mom, future hubby, current me, future aunt

• There's always room within a long-standing tradition to add new, fun, and personalized elements. For example, opening gifts in front of everyone wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be because I did it MY way. First, I asked everyone to give me some marriage advice when they presented their gift. (And of course, one of the most traditional and conservative women in the room was the one who talked about the joys of make-up sex.) Then I said a little bit about why each gift-giver was a special person in my life and why I freakin' adore them. One of my favorite parts of the day was when my sister gave a little speech about our relationship. Then my mom had everyone hold hands and create a circle around me. She said a blessing, which was followed by some truly touching words from my future in-laws. It was a total cry-fest and I loved it. 

A crock-pot cookbook and a delightful machine that allows domestically disabled gals like me make 
                                                               tasty dinners

• Sometimes it's important to let OTHERS have the pleasure of enjoying a particular tradition, even if it's not particularly meaningful to you. I would not advise you to go this route for all aspects of your wedding, but when the pay-off is much greater than the sacrifice, I say go for it. My sister has been planning my shower for YEARS - and it started long before I met Brian and got engaged. She loves coordinating colors, fancy brunch menus, charming restaurants, pretty flowers, and ladies sipping tea. I don't love those things but I LOVE my big sis, and if making her happy is as easy as letting her throw me a party, I'm game.

                                        My sis, the MILF

• Traditions are meaningful. Not to everyone, but to most. What allows a non-traditional girl like me to appreciate traditional celebrations? I make my own meaning. And how was my shower meaningful to ME? I saw it as generations of women who have gathered to support me as I make a tremendous life transition. They are women who in their own unique way have taught me how to love, and thus, have taught me how to be a good wife to my future husband. The gifts they bring are not merely for my house; they are meant to help me build a home. It doesn't get much more beautiful than that, folks.

                                  Mom and a serial cake murderer

So if there's anything I've learned from this experience it's that it takes a village raise a strong marriage. My village is the women who laughed, cried, and ate brunch and cake with me this past weekend. This bridal shower was NOT about being honored, feeling special and pretty, nor about getting gifts off of our registry. For me it was a kick-ass day of Thanksgiving, minus the turkey.