The Ugly Bridesmaid Dress Phenomenon

So Oprah is looking for guests to be featured on a future episode called "The Ugliest Bridesmaid Dress Hall of Fame". (You can submit an application and photo here, if you are so bold.) And it got me thinking: 

Why are there so many ugly bridesmaid dresses in the world? What is it about weddings that moves brides to clothe their sisters, cousins, and best friends in such frightening frocks? Obviously, part of it is that all outfits look embarrassingly dated after a while. But there's more to it than that, otherwise bridesmaids dresses wouldn't have such a bad reputation.

I'm guessing that instead of viewing a bridesmaid dress as a piece of clothing, it is, by some brides, viewed as a piece of fabric whose primary purpose is to make a bunch of very different looking women match the tablecloths and boutonnieres. Not every bride is like this, of course - most of us want our favorite females on the planet to feel comfortable, confident, and attractive at our weddings.

And yet, the Ugly Bridesmaid Dress Phenomenon still persists. Why? Because we try to accomplish too much with the dress of choice. It must (1) look good on various body types and skin tones; (2) match our decor; and (3) look visually stunning in group photos. (Because uniforms are the only way to accomplish this, or so we've been told.) And as a result of asking so much from a single dress design, we fail to reach the simple goal of helping our bridesmaids to look pretty by their own standards.

This is why I'm personally a fan of having bridesmaids choose different styles, but with a common denominator of the bride's choice, like color, pattern, fabric, or accessories. Like this:

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What I love about this image is that the look of the bridesmaids is so "effortlessly" pretty (or at least as "effortless" as a crew of models, a wardrobe team, and hair/ make-up people can be). A uniform is not needed to make these women look like they share a special bond -- their locked arms, big smiles, and loosely related outfits pretty much say it all. And that's all you really need for a fabulous bridal party photo.

So how about thinking outside of the box when selecting the dress? Skip the bridal salons and shop at stores whose clothes you (and your bridesmaids) generally like!

For example, I really like Mod Cloth. Below are some dresses from this online clothing store that I would have chosen for my bridesmaid had she not fallen for a little J.Crew number.

My Favorites:

Universally Flattering:

Casual & Charming:

#89: Dissecting The Groom's Cake

What's the difference between a traditional wedding cake and a groom's cake? This photo says it all:

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Traditional wedding cake = a clean, white and sophisticated dessert sure to look pretty in the photos.
Groom's cake = whatever the heck the groom wants it to be.

Case in point:

 

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All of this makes me wonder:

1. Why must the fun, creative, and highly personalized cake be an afterthought, taking backseat to the traditional, grown-up, white tiered dessert?
2. Umm...where's the bride's fun cake??

After a little bit of research I learned that the groom's cake has its roots in southern United States and was traditionally given to the groom as a gift from his wife.  The cake, which would be decorated to reflect the groom's hobbies and interests, was not served at the wedding reception, but rather, was sliced up and given to the guests as favors. According to legend, any single lady who attended the wedding should put the cake under her pillow that evening so that she would dream of her future husband.

(Insert your feminist critique of the groom's cake tradition here.)

So...if we lived in a world where there never existed a tradition wherein couples spend a couple hundred bucks on a tiered white cake, and instead people were encouraged to serve whatever dessert they liked and could afford (which might be an expensive white tiered cake, but probably not), how would YOUR cake/ cupcake/ pie, etc.,  be decorated? 

Here's what Brian and I served at our wedding:

                     Who DOESN'T love a marshmallow snout and Fruit Roll Up ears?

And if there were a tradition where a groom gave his bride a cake gift (one that would be decorated to reflect her hobbies, and could be placed under a man's pillow so that he could dream of the smart, funny, talented, strong woman who might one day, out of the goodness of her heart, decide to offer him a fairytale life), how would it be decorated?

(In case you're curious, my bride cake would be a GIGANTIC warm brownie carved to resemble Oprah's face, served over mounds of vanilla bean ice cream. Duh.)

#73: The Perfect Playlist (part 2): Songs for jumping, jiving, bumping, grinding

                  Damn, don't you wish you were dancing at THIS wedding reception??

It is the ultimate balance between self-focused and good hostess- it is the challenge of creating the perfect playlist for dancing.

The good news is that there is enough time in a wedding reception to cater to everyone's musical tastes (to some extent). That includes yours, Aunt Bertha's, and little cousin Suzie who graduated from training bra camp this last summer and isn't quite so little anymore.

But you can't begin this task with naive and hopeful expectations; you've got to have a strategy. I'm writing today to share my personal strategy, and also to unveil our dance playlist. First, some tips:

1. Think about who your main dancers are- these are the peeps who you think will want to dance throughout 50% (or more) or the reception. Cater to this crowd.
2. Because above crowd needs potty breaks, snacking breaks, and chatting breaks, you'll have pockets of time wherein you can play what I call "specialty" music - songs that satisfy the special needs of small subgroups among your guests. These might include: granny-friendly tunes, line dancing (if you're into that), Spanish/ Latin music (which my family is into), and little ditties for Aunt Rose who STILL thinks she has a chance with Elvis.
3. Remember the 75% rule: You can't make everyone 100% happy. Some people will complain about the music, and others will be proactive about it by making song requests from the DJ. And all of this is okay. Because all you need is for 75% of your guests to be 75% satisfied with your playlist. Trying for anything more will make your hair fall out with unnecessary stress and guilt.
4. If you're feeling ambitious, survey guests (via e-mail, facebook, or in person at the next family party). But keep this simple. Ask them this single key question: What one song (fast or slow) will get your booty on the dance floor no matter how tired you are? Trust me, even grannies have an answer to this. This strategy is particularly helpful in catering to those whose musical taste remains a mystery to you, and also to those whose booties are shy.
5. Don't forget to throw in your personal favorites.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our perfect playlist:

Too Cool For School 
SexyBack (Justin Timberlake)
Promiscuous (Nelly Furtado & Timbaland)
Crazy In Love (Beyonce)
Gold Digger (Kanye West)
Let's Get It Started (Black Eyed Peas)
Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)
Telephone (Lady Gaga & Beyonce)
4 Minutes (Madonna)


Senior Citizen Special
Great Balls of Fire (Jerry Lee Lewis)
La Bamba (Los Lobos)
Jailhouse Rock (Elvis Presley)
Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley)
Unchained Melody (Righteous Brothers)
Tennessee Waltz (Patti Page)
Evergreen (Barbara Streisand)

Old School For The Not-So-Old
Let Me Clear My Throat (DJ Kool)
Bust a Move (Young MC)
Poison (Bell Biv DeVoe)
Motownphilly (Boyz II Men)

Baby-Making Music for One And All
Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton)
Don't Know Why (Norah Jones)
If I Ain't Got You (Alicia Keys)
Endless Love (Lionel Richie & Diana Ross)
After All (Cher & Peter Cetera)

I'm so kick-ass that I'll dance to anything, really.
I Like to Move It (The Hit Crew)
U Can't Touch This (MC Hammer)
I Gotta Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)
It Takes Two (DJ EZ Rock & Rob Base)
Gonna Make You Sweat/ Everybody Dance Now (C+C Music Factory)
Good Vibrations (Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch)
Jump Around (House of Pain)
Conga (Gloria Estefan)
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough (Michael Jackson)
Celebration (Kool & The Gang)
Love Shack (The B-52's)
Simply Irresistible (Robert Palmer)
Best of My Love (The Emotions)
Got To Be Real (Cheryl Lynn)
I Like It Like That (Tito Nieves)

Spanish/ Latin
Suavemente
Hernando's Hideaway/ Cha Cha Cha (Edmundo Ros and His Orchestra)

Indie Line Dancing Songs (aka, tunes that are a tad bit cooler than Electric Slide and Macarena)
September (Earth, Wind & Fire)
Todo Todo (Uri)
Let's Get Loud (by Jennifer Lopez)

PS. If you don't believe that the above songs can be line danced to, just ask any Filipino (or other Pacific Islander you know) and they'll tell you that it's possible. Below is a clip. (Note the guy in the front who suddenly realizes he doesn't know the choreography and quickly leaves the premises.)

#42: The Perfect Playlist (part 1): Songs for head bopping and munching

When I first began brainstorming for songs to play during our BBQ wedding lunch (I'm talkin' meal time, not boogie time), my mind immediately went to charming and laid back jazzy, indie, or folky tunes from my personal CD collection. But that's not quite Brian's style. And upon second thought I realized that our party would need music that is a little more upbeat, edgy, peppy, and appropriate for hot dogs and ice cream cake. 

Being a brave bride means making choices that reflect the tastes of the bride and groom, yet don't  abandon the needs of the larger group. Choosing music for your wedding is the perfect opportunity to exercise the courage to balance self-expression and selflessness.

So. Our strategy? Play Top 40 hits that we (and ALL generations of our guests) know and enjoy.

Here are the categories and corresponding songs that we came up with:

Oldies (In other words, tunes from before Brian and I were born in 1980)

ABC (Jackson 5)
I Want to Hold Your Hand (The Beatles)
Sweet Home Alabama (Lynryd Skynryd)
Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison)
I Got You Babe (Sonny & Cher)
Don't stop believing (Journey)
More Than A Feeling (Boston)
Hotel California (Eagles)
Taking It To The Streets (Doobie Brothers)
I want you back (Jackson 5)
Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen)
Don't Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John & Kiki Dee)
You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones)
Come Sail Away (Styx)
Ooh Child (The Five Stairsteps)
Let's Stay Together (Al Green)
Hey Jude (The Beatles)


Music from our generation (80's and onward):

Livin On A Prayer (Bon Jovi)
Free Falling (Tom Petty)
Love Shack (B-52's)
Hard to Handle (Black Crows)
99 red balloons (Nena)
Paradise City (Guns 'n Roses)
Like A Prayer (Madonna)
Bloody Sunday (U2)
Simply Irresistible  (Robert Palmer)
Summer of 69 (Bryan Adams)
Just To Be With You (Mr. Big)
Love is a Battlefield (Pat Benatar)
These Dreams (Heart)
All Through The Night (Cyndi Lauper)
Superstition (Stevie Wonder)
Uptown Girl (Billie Joel)
Black Or White (Michael Jackson)
Walk This Way (Aerosmith & Run DMC)
Since You've Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson)
In Your Eyes (Peter Gabriel)
Take On Me (A-Ha)
You Can't Hurry Love – (Phil Collins)
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (Wham!)
Hazy Shade Of Winter (The Bangles)

Brian isn't always a Top 40 kind of dude, so just outside the barn reception in the tented lounge area created for the beer drinking non-dancers (his pet project), the music is ALL HIM. This means non-stop modern rock by: Fall Out Boy, Dashboard Confessional, Taking Back Sunday, and his personal favorite, Coheed & Cambria, among others.

I realize that the above playlist is a hodge podge of musical genres, so the key is to play them in a way that makes sense. This is as important as planning a meal; you don't serve a warm brownie a la mode as an appetizer, followed by a sizzling jumbo steak fajita with a side of shrimp lo mein. All three of those are delightfully yummy things that are very near and dear to my heart. But together and in that order? Well, you'll have all the right ingredients but the flavors will go unappreciated.

So if you know what's good for you, please read the SUPER HELPFUL how-to guide for arranging your playlist (and DJing your wedding with an iPod!) over at A Practical Wedding.

#33: (World's most unscientific) study on wedding favors

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A recent poll was conducted (umm...by me...at my bridal shower) asking women ages 27 through 60+ about their likes and dislikes in terms of wedding favors. They answered the following questions:

(1) If you are (or ever have been) married, what did you give away as a wedding favor?
(2) What is the best wedding favor you have ever received?

Below are the results. Note that some items have a number in front indicating the amount of people who shared that particular answer.

Favor given at own wedding:
(3) Don't remember
(2) "No such thing" as wedding favors at the time I was married
"We didn't give favors"
Hershey Kisses in champagne glass
a poem wrapped in a wedding band
small photo album
chocolate
brandy glasses
heart dish

Best wedding favor ever received:
(5) no answer/ I don't know
(3) mix CD
(2) small bottle of champagne
(2) chocolate
"I love the tea for [this] shower!"
champagne flutes with chocolate
bells
letter opener
photo frame

Conclusions about first set of data:
Nearly half of the women either did not remember what favors they had given at their wedding, or had married at a time when wedding favors were simply not in vogue. (And one of these women was married in the early 80's - not too long ago!) This tells me that the favor you choose to give away is (often) an insignificant detail in the overall memory of your wedding day. And in some points in history (and in some places around the world), wedding favors simply don't exist. Gee, lucky for the wedding industry American couples nowadays devote lots of time and money on this part of their big day.

Conclusions about second set of data:
A relatively large group of women had no answer about their favorite wedding favor ever received. This can be explained in 2 possible ways:

• The favor was one of the least memorable parts of the wedding day experience
• These individuals have a bad memory

I don't know about you but I am going to bank on the first explanation.

The data also suggests that people love music, chocolate, and alcohol. Perhaps one of these options is the safest bet when choosing a wedding favor. But while we can predict which favors will be enjoyed by a large percentage of guests, we cannot make everyone happy. (Because you know, you might have one oddball aunt who likes "bells"). And quite frankly, many people won't even remember what you had given them anyway.

I conducted my "research" (if you can call it that) to ease brides' anxiety about choosing the perfect favor. But this doesn't mean that people cannot have fun or be creative when the time comes to make that decision! Choosing a favor can be a great place to show your personalities as a couple. But I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Approach favors as you would any birthday gift you give to a friend; put some thought into it, be sincere in your intentions, hope they like it, and carry on. Because it's not actually about the giveaway itself-- it's about your intentions and show of gratitude and love. Just because the favor happens to be tied to a once-in-a-lifetime event, doesn't mean that it has to be a once-in-a-lifetime/ super creative/ super expensive/ super unique object. 

#30: Who favors wedding favors?

                                          Image: PaperCrave.com

A few months ago I updated my Facebook status with the following quote from Judith Martin's book Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings:

"Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention. You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion."

Well. It didn't take very long for 20 comments to pop up underneath this status update! Apparently, people feel very strongly about tiny frames, candles, chocolate, paper weights, and envelop openers. Who knew?? Well...I did, to be quite honest. Which is precisely why I dropped a bomb the way I did. Sometimes it's fun to watch things explode. ;)

Here are some of comments from my lovely friends and family in response to this controversial quote:

From one of my more traditional friends (who also happens to be engaged):

You're not getting favors?

From my best friend:

I only want a favor if it's edible...most favors collect dust

From a family member:

In my world, gifts were given to the best man, maid of honor, matron of honor (if they exist). Finito.

My traditional friend (again) in response to above comment:

You get a gift for everyone in the bridal party and a small favor for the guests.

My attempt to diffuse awkwardness between traditional friend and family member:

Basically this whole favor idea is just something that the wedding industry made up and labeled "good wedding etiquette". It didn't exist until recently. A real cash cow for them, a real pain in the butt for us. Some brides are into the idea, which is fine...but if you don't like flowers or favors, or if you can't afford them I won't think any less of you. If others do judge you on that, well...let the bird flipping commence. :)

From our best man:

How bout everyone gets to punch the groom (in the face) once...that could be everyone's favor.

From a married friend who gave one of the only wedding favors I've ever used in my life - fancy chopsticks:
You don't necessarily need to give favors. I know someone who donated to charity in their guests' names instead of giving favors at their wedding.

From my matron of honor:

I regret my choice of favors 9 years ago. In hindsight I should've gone with something edible. Also, I shouldn't have allowed myself to get pressured into some other obsolete wedding traditions, but the event that should be about you & your dude often becomes about everyone else. Whatever...could've, should've, would've.

From my traditional friend (one last time): 

Kim, Brian said you guys were going to do sexual favors.

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And THAT, dear readers, is what happens when you bring up wedding etiquette.

The only thing I'll say about the issue of favors is this: Let's not judge a couple based on their desire to give (or not to give) a small trinket (or edible delight, or a charitable donation) as a thank you gift. There is enough judgment and pressure placed on engaged couples as it is. 

Having said this, I definitely encourage people to stay true to their values and beliefs, right down to the relatively minor decision about wedding favors. Because while I have no right to judge your favor of choice as lovely or lame, I WILL exercise my right to encourage you to be YOU. Give gifts whenever and however you wish; not because it's expected but because it's from the heart. 

And also, if you give chocolate favors please note: 

(1) Not everyone likes dark chocolate.

(2) Ooh, milk chocolate?! Mind if I take two???

#24: Location, location, location

I don't mean to get all "Knot.com" on you, but your wedding venue truly does set the tone for the day.

I'm not saying this to make couples feel even more pressured to shell out the dough for an expensive room with a fancy chandelier that, if sold, could pay off you and your hubby's student loans. I'm merely encouraging you engaged folk to get your creative juices flowing! Toss the banquet hall out the window (unless you have a sincere liking to them), because your wedding can seriously take place wherever there are walls. Or grass. Or concrete. Or sand. Or roller coasters. (Yes, roller coasters.)

I love when couples have their reception in an unusual place that doesn't typically "do weddings" -  like at a movie theater...

                     

                                      Image: Northrop Photo

...or a bowling alley

 ...or a vintage car gallery

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...or an amusement park

                                      Image: The Weddzilla

  ...or a ball park (expect to pay a pretty penny for this one)

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But more than trying to impress guests with a unique venue, consider hosting your wedding at a place that truly reflects who you are as a couple. Because when you're true to yourselves you simply can't go wrong, no matter which of your crazy aunts thinks your venue is strange, or which of your co-workers thinks your venue is tacky. Be brave! Do you. The end.


PS. My favorite wedding venue: BACKYARDS! Awww...

 Seriously, you MUST go see more of this incredible wedding over at Style Me Pretty. Hurry!

#16: Our Song: Falling Slowly

Brian and I will be doing our little 8th-grader-slow-dancey-wedding-sway to the song "Falling Slowly". It's a tune from the incredible independent film Once, which won lots of awards back in 2007. We saw this movie in the theater and adored its simple yet moving love story between 2 singer-songwriters. Oh, and the soundtrack? Amazing.

After we left the theater that night Brian said that he wanted me to teach him a little guitar so that we could write songs together, just like the couple in the film did. (I know- cute, right?) That never happened. (Though if it had we would totally have a record deal by now - or we'd at least be YouTube sensations.) Nevertheless, the movie and its soundtrack truly made an impact on us. And so you see... "Falling Slowly" just HAD to be our song.

Above is a snippet of the song performed by the top 2 contestants on American Idol this year. There are 3 reasons why I'm posting this particular performance:

1) The male contestant, Lee Dewyze, looks like he could be Brian's brother. Seriously. Even Brian's mom thinks so.

2) I'm a singer-songwriter/ guitarist just like the female contestant, Crystal Bowersox. She's one of my favorite contestants from all 9 seasons of the show.

3) I've been a fan of American Idol since it first aired in 2002. (I even auditioned once. And NO, my audition was not one of the awful ones that they televised!) Brian says he hates the show and yet every time I watch it he's in the background giving his two cents like he was a 5th judge or something.

#13: Brides on Bikes

I love when couples incorporate vintage bikes into their wedding - it's just so darn cute! For those of us who are not limousine kinda girls, bikes are a great alternative. Plus, they create such charming wedding photos, no?

Brian and I will be driving our little black Honda to and from the wedding. Not as sweet as bikes, but probably more "us". And that's the most important thing.

Oh, if only we were actual bike riders, or Go Green-ers, or perhaps vintage hipsters...

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#10: A reason to press the record button

I was never interested in hiring a videographer for our wedding. Guess I'm just a photograph kind of girl.

BUT. Then I found Sam + Kelli's vintage garden wedding, a couple featured on www.GreenWeddingShoes.com...and I was BLOWN AWAY.

Yes, the stylistic choices of their wedding are to die for (can someone say casual, hip, yet timeless???). But my *FAVORITE* part of their wedding is the big surprise that they whipped out at the end of the reception for their guests. They put up a projector, took a seat among their loved ones, and watched this footage of events that occurred earlier that morning:

(Guys, this totally made me weep. And I don't even know these people!)


Kelli + Sam - Same Day Edit/Wedding Trailer from Matthew Forrey on Vimeo.

More than the charming little details of the dress, invitations, and centerpieces, I want to remember the emotions on our wedding day. This is what wedding videos have to offer. And while I can't afford this particular videographer, I'm going to find a way to document our wedding in an equally moving way...

Because when my life has changed, when my marriage has evolved, and when some of my loved ones are gone, I want to be able to see who we all were back on July 31st, 2010. I want to hear the voices, see the smiles, listen to the words, and remember the feelings. (Oh, and I want to giggle at the silly dance moves, of course.)

*The video you just watched is something called Same Day Premier. People, I cannot stress how TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME this service is. Basically, Aqua Vivus Productions turns your wedding footage into a charming and magical work of art that stylistically screams indie film, music video, and inspiring documentary all in one.  The BEST part is that after they record your ceremony, they work their magic to edit it like crazy throughout the day so that the it can be screened at the end of your reception for you and your guests to enjoy! (Hence the name Same Day Premier.) What a powerful way to end the day, no? 

#7: "Tablescape" is an actual word. Who knew?!

Trust me, I'm NO Martha Stewart. And wedding centerpieces - meh. Never really paid them any mind. Umm...until now. Looks like I've been bitten by the wedding planning bug. (I can hear my family now: Who are you and what have you done with Kim??)

Since we are having a rustic, casual, and charming little shindig on a farm (with the possibility of picnic-themed touches), I'm drawn to the centerpieces and tablescapes shown below.

First up is rustic elegance if I ever saw it. It's so unique and it's got lots of character, no? Learn how to make this yourself over at OnceWed.

 
Since we'll be surrounded by vibrant colors at our farm reception, all we need in terms of decor is a little khaki and cream. So I hope to use burlap or light sandy linens on the tables. Simple and sweet, courtesy of Snippet & Ink:

This and more burlap goodness can be found at Ruffled Blog:

Oh, and this one is just precious-- I mean, look at those little birds for cryin' out loud! Utter perfection against the minimalist backdrop of white, green, and glass:

  
Check out these cute pop-up placemats from Publique Living:

Ahh...the picnic wedding reception- how delightful and unexpected! I love how this scene looks so inviting (fluffy pillows!), romantic (flower centerpieces...yup, on blankets!), and fun (stocked picnic baskets!). Feast your eyes on this:

                                Photo taken at a reception by event planner Stanlee Gatti

Fill those picnic baskets with wooden utensils on which you can engrave your wedding info. Genius idea courtesy of Paper+Cup Design Studio:

View more charming images from a picnic wedding here.

Finally, ladies and gentlemen...THIS might be favorite. It's got a little of everything I want. (Plus hay bales, people! Oh yes. Hay bales.) Check it, yo:

                                             Image: W. Scott Chester Photography