#97: Cracks In The Foundation

I talk a lot about how stable and safe marriage feels, and how your partner is home personified. He or she can patch up old heart wounds,  love you even when you're just no good, talk honestly about tough stuff like infidelity and death, and support you through the worst cases of diarrhea. Marriage is the incredible opportunity to CHOOSE your family and your firm foundation.

But.

A crazy string of little disasters has happened to my family and best friends in the last few weeks that have made me realize that any home is susceptible to cracks in its foundation:

•  My friend's mother might only have a few more weeks to live.
• A relative broke up with his long-term girlfriend - a woman who I'd hoped would be married into our family one day.
• There's major infidelity and pain in some of the most storybook romances that I know of.
• There's aging, serious illness, and mental disorders galore in my family. People change, people are forced into the role of caretaker, and people don't live forever.

No family can ever stay the same - people's needs change, people's ability to care for you is inconsistent, people leave, people are replaced, and people die. Scary but true.

So when I write on this blog about all of the stability that marriage and family life offer, I speak more of an intention rather than reality. Because it is virtually impossible for any person or group of people to be all that you want and need them to be throughout the years. A family can't fight off disaster; being a family is merely a sincere intention that you and your loved ones will experience the worst and most brutal seasons of life together. And while this is pee-in-your-pants frightening, it's one of the most beautiful things human relationships have to offer.

So today I wait to hear if my friend's mom's surgery on her cancerous tumors will grant her a few extra years to live, or if the surgery is unsuccessful and she's left with just weeks. I sit and wait to see if my friends' and family members' marriages survive infidelity. I say goodbye to people I thought would be family forever.

These are the cracks in the foundation. This is the price we pay for loving. This is exactly the kind of life that my husband, Brian, *intends* to hold my hand through forever and ever. And I must find my happiness in that.

#77: The Thank You Card Predicament (plus balls and deeper matters)

I might be the last person you'd ever want to ask about wedding etiquette. Really. There are 2 reasons for this:

(1) Sometimes wedding etiquette irks me. You know - the expectations, the stiff standards, the judgment (from others and from yourself) if you stray from proper formula. I believe that what we do and what we offer should be based on oh, I don't know, kindness and generosity. I detest when it's about a well-intentioned (or torturous) obligation to follow tradition. (Not that there's anything wrong with those who follow tradition if their heart and wallet allow them to. I got nothin' but LUV 4 U folks.)
 

(2) I believe that etiquette is totally subjective. It depends on your culture, the region of the country in which you were raised, your family upbringing, and your personality. So it's just not fair to throw a 3-inch thick book of wedding etiquette tips at people and judge them for not making it their Bible. (Or Torah, or Koran, or Bhagvad Gita, or New York Times, or Glamour Magazine, etc...)

So when my recently wed chum tagged me in a Facebook note asking if she should send thank you cards to guests (mostly her relatives) who did not give her a wedding gift, I was in no rush to chime in. That is, until I read how other tagged people were responding. 

My friend's etiquette question started a war. Here's a summary of the responses:

• What?! People didn't bring gifts? How effing rude!
• I think not giving a thank you card is more rude than not giving a wedding gift.
• The thank you card is sent in gratitude for a gift, not for merely attending the wedding.
• The thank you card is sent in gratitude for attending the wedding and being a great friend/ family member, not just for bringing a gift.
• You might find that gifts come in the mail over the next few weeks. Give it some time.
• Be a bigger person than the non-gift-giver; send a thank you card.
• People who don't give gifts are a$$holes. They don't deserve a card.
• Some people don't give gifts because they are having financial trouble. Be understanding.
• Umm..did you throw a party because you wanted to celebrate with loved ones or because you wanted nice gifts and extra cash?

Like I said earlier,  wedding etiquette is (as it should be) subjective. Personally, I'm giving thank you cards and a thank you video to all of our guests, whether they gave us a simple card, a homemade quilt that's still coming in the mail, a $25 gift card, or a $600 check. Why? Because my intention behind hosting a wedding reception was not just to celebrate love for my partner, but also to celebrate the love that I experience with the many meaningful people in my life. But that's just me.

So what did my friend end up deciding to do after the etiquette war? I'll tell you in a bit.

Because what's more interesting than the end of this story is what was happening while she was making her decision.

I noticed was that every time another person's 2 cents were thrown into the pot of this debate, my friend responded by sharing a story about how the non-gift-giving relatives had "borrowed" money in the past without much gratitude or repayment, and how after years of not seeing these relatives they teased her for days up until the wedding. The teasing brought her to tears just moments before the ceremony, and the venue staff had to calm her down. I know - yikes.

And then it hit me: her Facebook poll had nothing to do with thank you cards. 

So I informed my friend of this theory. I encouraged her to vent about her anger toward relatives who have a long track record of unkindness and ingratitude. I also suggested that she take a few days to let her anger thrive then subside before making a decision about the thank you cards. That way, whatever her decision was in the end, it would be one that reflected her *true* values in regard to how to respond to those who have hurt her in the past.

She took my advice. And then decided to send the thank you cards to them.

Like so many logistical dilemmas and "simple" wedding-related decisions that we have difficulty making, if you dig deep enough you'll find that the issue lies in frustrating relationships, finding your voice, discovering/ re-shaping your values, reflecting on your personal pain, standing up to people, letting go, recognizing your own weaknesses, and letting your unrecognized strengths shine. 

In short, making wedding-related decisions, whether it's an etiquette issue or something larger, takes balls. (Damn, it's always about the balls, isn't it?)

*More versions of above card here.

#75: In Defense of Bridal Babblers

Do people find all of your wedding talk to be excruciatingly painful? None of us wants to be that person - the annoyingly engaged friend whose incessant chatter about floral centerpieces, favors, bridal party drama, and wallet woes can clear a room out like bad gas can. But some of us are.

Folks, I have recently been accused of being a bridal babbler. I know, I know. Me? A wedding blogger who talks/ blogs too much about weddings? Is that even possible? Well, according to one of my friends it is.

But before the innocent excitement of wedding talk gets sucked out of us and replaced with guilt and shame, let's take a step back for a minute and examine what's happening here.

First of all, most engaged couples are new to large scale event planning and budgeting. So if we can't seem to wrap our minds around it all, and we seek your advice and compassionate ear, give us a break, yes?

Second of all, a wedding is indeed a big deal. One reason why there are so many of us bridal babblers is because a wedding is an age old rite of passage and celebration of something huge, something that *needs* to be talked about with elders and peers.

There's a lot happening on an emotional level when one is preparing for marriage let alone a wedding - excitement, fear, anxiety, complete and utter joy, and even depression or guilt. For the sake of sanity, thoughts and feelings must be shared, and sometimes this comes out via rants about Mom or how hard it is to find an affordable venue. In fact, I think one reason why people talk so much about logistical and aesthetic details (aside from the obvious) is because it's their only outlet for the changing emotional landscape that they began inhabiting when they first got engaged.

Most of us don't mean to inundate our non-wedding-planning loved ones with our bridal babble. In fact, we try to hold back a bit; we wait until people ask us about our plans before we say anything, we blog, we make keep little snippets of inspiration that we find, and we'll write wedding related Facebook status updates so people have the option of ignoring us if they want.

Given all of this, is it too much to ask that you, ahem, be a good friend and put up with my shenanigans the way I put up with yours? Thank you. Thank you very much.

The last thing I'll say in defense of bridal babblers is this:  

Sometimes it's not you - it's the person who is complaining about you that's got issues.

If you're truly a bridal babbler in a way that's obnoxiously selfish and irritating, you'll find that at least 70% of people find your wedding talk annoying. At that point you should start a wedding blog. Now. And relieve your loved ones of their pain. ;)

But if, for example, only 10% of your loved ones feel that you talk about your wedding plans too much, then it's probably an issue that they have, not you.

A person may find bridal babble annoying if:

• He/ She is unsatisfied with their own marriage or wedding.
• They don't like you for other reasons unrelated to your bridal babble, and they wish that your funeral were being planned instead of your wedding.
• You are marrying their best friend and they feel like you're taking him/ her away
• They secretly wish that they themselves were happy, in love, and engaged.
• Their lifestyle choices, values and taste differ from yours and they are judgmental of ways that are not their own. (They have probably experienced intolerance from others throughout life, which is where they learned it from.)
• They're mad about something you've done in the past and the bridal babble is just the final straw that broke the camel's back.
• He/ She is feeling pressured in their own relationship to get married and are generally skeeved out by wedding talk.
• They wish they had a few thousand bucks to throw their own party.
• She/ He is a just very irritable person in general. (But you love them anyway.)
• Your are one of this person's many friends who are engaged to be married. You bridal babble isn't too bad, but combined with everyone else's it's too much!*

As you can tell from the list above, a strong negative reaction to wedding talk (actually, a strong negative reaction to pretty much anything), is rooted in a person's disappointment, fear, sorrow, bitterness, jealousy and rage rooted in their personal history. Also note that their irritation with you may be a clue that you need to discuss and work out a larger problem in your relationship.

So don't worry my fellow bridal babblers. If 10% of your loved ones hate wedding talk like vampires hate the sun (unless we're talking those funny' sparkly Twilight vampires), just remember that their hate stems from deeper issues - issues that were brewing long before you got engaged.

 PS. If your partner is the one who thinks you're a bridal babbler, check out this post.


Image from Masterpiece Weddings
*Thanks, anonymous commenter #2, for this late addition to the list. 

#67: 10 Tips for Building Your Wedding Dress Shopping Dream Team

There are 2 reasons why I like to watch brides go wedding dress shopping on TLC's hit reality tv show Say Yes To The Dress:

• I smile and squeal when I see happy brides find "the one". It's like finding my dress all over again.
• The fam-and-friend drama that unfolds as brides make their dress selection is equally intriguing as it is heart-wrenching.

What kind of fam-and-friend drama can happen in a fitting room, you may ask? Here are some loosely quoted exchanges I've seen on the show:

Bride: I LOVE this one, Ma. The pickups in the skirt are great.
Mom: I'd love it, too, if I wanted to look like a giant white artichoke. You should have just eloped.

Bride: I can't decide between these 2 gowns.
Twin sister: Well, we're all stuck here until you do so...hurry it up.

Bride: I was thinking of going with a mermaid style dress.
Cousin: But don't those only look good on, like, thin people?

Uh, right.

But there's good news. Reality tv isn't merely cyanide for the soul; we can actually learn something here, people. I've compiled 10 tips for selecting the perfect crew to take with you to the bridal boutique (or vintage clothing store, or basement in which designer knock-offs are sold. Whatev.).

Here we go...

1. The smaller the entourage, the better. Ten bridesmaids with ten different style preferences and ten million conflicting opinions can make for a very overwhelming shopping experience for you.

2. Don't worry, you are not obligated to bring any friend or family member whose presence you could do without. This includes Loud Mouth Lucy, Debbie Downer, and Type-A Theresa.

3. Consider bringing someone whose style you love. This person will make a terrific sounding board and will hopefully steer you away from the see-through corset top dress with the poofy ballgown skirt. (No offense to those of you who like the princess prostitute look.)

When I went dress shopping I was sure to bring my stylish sister, without whom I might not have gone with this lovely little number:

                                         My Dream Team: Mom & Sis

Note: I'm not necessarily advising you to bring your biggest fashionista friend. On SYTTD, trendy friends often can't help but envision their engaged gal pal in fashion-forward frocks that they themselves would love to rock. Instead, bring someone who will help you look like your best version of YOU.

4. If the one person you want to share the dress shopping experience with can't come unless you reschedule for next weekend, you'd better reschedule for next weekend. I've seen many women on SYTTD arrive at the store without their mother, only to leave empty-handed because they could not make a decision without Mom by their side. Understandable. For many women, there's something comforting and fulfilling about this tradition. And for many other women, this special someone is definitely NOT Mom. Who is your special someone?

5. If an important (but overbearing) family member wants to come along for the fun, ask her to join you for the dress fitting appointment instead. From what I've seen on SYTTD, the dress selecting appointment is a sensitive time; brides are trying to figure out who they are and how they'd like to feel in the dress, so there's no time for drama like having to defend your personal style. But to keep this relative in the loop (because after all, you love them), invite her/ him them to an appointment where their strong opinions have less of an affect on you.

6. Invite that unconditionally loving and inspiring friend of yours- you know, the one who loves Oprah and self-help books. This person will keep you feeling hopeful and supported, even after you've tried on 50 dresses.

7. Consider going alone. Hey, you were alone when you shopped for most of your wardrobe, right? Going alone can keep your head clear, focused, and calm. It's sort of like going to the movies or eating at a restaurant by yourself, both of which I've done in the past; things feel both surreal and serene. You might dig it.

8. Sometimes a camera will give you a more honest, trustworthy and unbiased opinion about a dress than any loved one can. So bring one. When you put on a beautiful gown you might feel beautiful by way of osmosis, but you won't necessarily look your best. A photo taken 10 ft. or so away will allow you to go home, review the shot, and assess its awesomeness minus the trick mirrors in the store that make you look 10 lbs. lighter. A camera is also free from the pressure of saying (in a high pitched voice) "Awww!" every time you walk out in an unflattering white mess of a dress.

9. You can bring your fiance if you want. I've seen this on many episodes of SYTTD, and so far none of these brides had 7 years of bad luck or whatever just because their hubster-to-be saw them in the gown before the wedding. My guy saw me in my dress countless times (to hold up mirrors, to take photos, to tell me whether the jumbo flower sewn close to my butt looks a bunny tail). Brian gives me good advice, he's honest, and he doesn't pressure me. Why not get his opinion on the dress?

(Note: If you want to surprise your guy at the altar with your dress choice, that's cool, too. But if, like me, you're confident that your guy will still find you gorgeous in something he's seen you in before - get ready for a lifetime of this, by the way - then feel free to take the handsome dude shopping!)

10. Shopping for a dress is not just about shopping for a dress. It's a ritual. It's an opportunity to bond with a relative, future in-law, or old friend. It's the packing of one final suitcase as your loved ones send you off to start a crazy adventure with your partner in crime. So...there are certain circumstances when you should scrap the 9 previous pointers and just go ahead and bring the whole damn posse.

But remember this: Now is the time to practice (because we ALL need practice), being brave. This means setting healthy boundaries, being able to say no, being a good listener, being firm yet kind, and understanding that half the junk your peeps say have less to do with you and more to do with t their own personality, interpersonal skills, and personal issues. So just get the dress you love and that's that. ;)

And that's the best I've got, folks. If you have anything to add please leave a comment below. Thanks!

#60: What laundry can teach us about family and wedding planning

   Brian & I with my family and his parents at the end of our wedding day

Your family structure changes the very moment that you and your partner get engaged. Suddenly you've got 3 parties:

• your old family (your nuclear and extended family)
• your new family (your partner's family)
• your baby family* (you and your partner)

While nurturing your relationship with each type of family is important, remember that they require vastly different kinds of care, especially during the wedding planning process.

It's sort of like doing laundry - each item has very specific instructions for cleaning. If they're not followed, your whites will be pink, your disheveled under wire bras will fail to hold up your girls, and your shirts will shrink to the point where people can see the outline of your lungs. (Intriguing, but no thanks.)

In the same sense, each of the 3 types of family has a very specific set of instructions for care:

Baby Family: Hand wash warm. Lay flat to dry.

Your baby family requires the most attention and time. It is delicate and it needs every ounce of you. So when it comes to wedding planning, be sure that you are making the best choices for you and your partner as a unit. *Protect the sacredness and the newness of your baby family because no one else but you can or will. You'll see the fine results of such mindful care throughout the lifetime of your marriage.

Old Family: Machine wash cold. Tumble dry low.

Your old family needs less of you in some ways. Not less respect. Not less love. But less time and less "obedience" I'll say. Why? Because in order to have a grown-up relationship with these family members, healthy boundaries must be established. 

Why a cold wash? Because establishing boundaries with family is sort of like a splash of cold water in the face; it's shocking and uncomfortable at first. Yet this seemingly harsh approach is the most loving thing to do. Using cold water prevents colors from bleeding together. And when individual pieces retain their color they can stand alone in their uniquely beautiful way, even when paired with other pieces of an outfit.

In the same way, your identity and decisions need not bleed together with those of your parents or extended family in order for ya'll to get along. If you haven't already established healthy boundaries with your old family (in a firm yet *kind* way), now is the time to do so. Practice this approach throughout the wedding planning process.

New Family: Machine wash warm. Gentle cycle. Hang dry. Do not iron.

Your new family requires patience and good timing. These family members need to know that you're open, warm, and genuine. Yet rushing the growth process or the closeness of the relationships with in-laws or step children is unnecessary and can even backfire. 

Why hang dry? Because sometimes things just need time (LOTS of it, depending on your situation), and a little old fashioned warmth. And why not iron? Because prematurely forcing out the wrinkles can lead to a major burn.

Flexibility and openness with your new family will help throughout the wedding planning process. You don't have to give in to their suggestions or demands, but being a darn good listener goes a long way.


Particularly difficult family members: Dry clean only!

Hell, some things are just out of your hands. All you can do is remove yourself from the mess and not feel responsible for cleaning it up. If a particularly troublesome relative has deep issues that manifest during wedding planning, remember that the issues probably have little to do with you and everything to do with junk from their past.

So for the time being, send this dirty laundry to the cleaners (or...ahem, therapist), because you've got a wedding to plan and a partner to marry for goodness sake!


Over the next few weeks I will be writing separate posts about how to nurture each kind of family using some personal examples, and hopefully examples from those of you reading who are open to sharing with me. I'd especially love to read your wisdom regarding in-laws since mine are relatively easy to get along with. So hurry and submit your stories and wise advice to Brave Bride!


*Meg from A Practical Wedding writes a ton about how to care for your "baby family" as she has coined it. Now go on and read her posts about this topic, all of which are wonderfully organized and listed here thanks to her website's handy dandy search engine.

#55: 7 Tips For Asking For Wedding Help

Most people hate asking for help. I know I do.

There is discomfort in knowing that you are not a self-sufficient, multi-tasking wedding planning god or goddess who does not require sleep the way other mortals do. There is also discomfort in knowing that not everyone will lovingly hear your cries for help; some may say "no" to your requests (and I know that's hard to hear), or they may even go so far as to judge you as dependent, lazy or tacky.

But whatever.

You see, it takes a village to pull off a celebration. Some people hire that village - and magically, in comes an army of people in black and white uniforms, eager to save the day and pour you refills. But if you've got a budget like mine your village is your family and friends.

So for the sake of your wallet (but mostly your sanity), ask for help. Yes, you will have to get over the fear of judgment and rejection that typically prevent you from sending out an SOS call to your village. But seriously - if you can't ask them for help, who can you ask?

This is, in part, the reason why we are born into a family and why we don't stop forming and nurturing friendships during our time on Earth. People need each other- to feel full, to feel comforted, to feel connected, and yes...to be rescued at times. And it takes courage to accept this truth and be completely vulnerable to it.

Okay, now that we've all got our balls in check, it's time to go over some practical stuff.

How does one ask for wedding help without coming off as a complete bung hole? How do you gain the sincere help and support of others without instilling in them a desire to and make voo doo dolls that look remarkably like you?

Here are some pointers that worked for us:

1. Send out a general SOS to the masses. When work is spread out evenly it feels much more manageable, so make a smoke signal that will call in a good number of helping hands. Also, this approach eliminates pressure on a single person or small group of people to do all the work. Brian and I accomplished this by writing our SOS call in a note on Facebook. Then we tagged about 20 of our closest friends and family - people we knew would be open to our cry. (People: This worked for us because we communicate frequently with our friends and family this way, wedding or not. I do not advise approaching people via Facebook if you don't normally do so because it may come off as impersonal and rude. If you prefer a more personal approach, invite your mini village over for pizza and make an announcement there.)   

2. Let people choose how they will help you. If you want people to be sincere in their desire to help out, let them choose a task that appeals to their interests and calls on their abilities. What we did was list all of the tasks that needed to get done and instructed people to choose one (or more) that they would like to take care of. I suggest that you present the tasks in categories. Here were our headings for each category:

•  If your are a whiz in the kitchen... 
• If you're strong... 
• If you're crafty...
• If you're a techie... 
• If you've got wheels... 
• If you've got stuff you're willing to lend us...

This allows people to easily make connections between their interests/ abilities and the tasks available. They'll get excited about putting their assets to work, and thus, resentment and reluctant assistance will be greatly minimized. When Brian and I presented our Facebook note this way, most of the tasks had a team of volunteers who had signed up within hours of our SOS call.

3. Be clear and honest about what you need help with. Don't sugar coat any tasks ("Oh, just pick up a cake from the bakery - whatever is easiest for you."), and then unpleasantly surprise people down the road ("A made-from-scratch cake by you would be much tastier than anything from the bakery. By the way, the cake needs to be vegan.")

4. Be organized. Yeah, having a list of assignments with corresponding names of volunteers looks a little psycho, but your guests will appreciate it in the end. An unorganized leader slows things down and causes a lot of avoidable frustration.

5. Be flexible. Nobody likes a tyrant. Remember when I said to be clear and honest about your needs? Well that only applies if your needs are reasonable. If they're not, re-think them. Cut them down to bite size pieces. And know that while people will do their best, they have boundaries, too.

6. Be grateful.  Say thanks in a way that feels right to you. Some people like thank you cards and small gifts. I like making impromptu speeches about people in front of a large audience so that everyone knows how freakin' amazing my peeps are. (I love showing off about my friends' and family members' big, big hearts.)

7. Remember what the Rolling Stones taught us: "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need." Most things on your to-do list will get done. Some things won't. And when this happens and you find that you have a beautiful, joyous, and rockin' good time at your wedding anyway, you'll realize that the Rolling Stones were right. Your understanding of need vs. want will change over time into a remarkably evolved perspective. Trust me. And what a liberating thing that will be.

Now off I go to put all of my advice into action. Some time after my wedding this Saturday I will write about the outcome of relying so heavily upon help from my village. (You know - what works in theory vs. what doesn't.) Until then, good luck, people!

#50: The Price You Pay When Parents Pay: Tips for avoiding money mayhem

Many couples choose to pay for all wedding costs on their own without any help from good old Mom and Dad. There are many terrific reasons for this, like a sense of independence and accomplishment.

But another reason to pay your own way is that with accepting financial gifts or loans comes expectations and demands from your "sponsor" or "lender". Oh, how wonderful and simple life would be without such strings attached - the emotional interest rate, one might say. 

But my guess is that a very small percentage of parents who contribute money to a wedding are able to (consciously or unconsciously) give without charging an emotional interest rate. And to some extent, it's understandable - money is what we trade in order to have XYZ. If XYZ does not meet our standards of beauty, joy, entertainment, or quality, then it's not worth our hard-earned cash.

So when parents say, "I'd gladly pay __ dollars for my daughter to be happy on her wedding day," what they are often saying is "I'll gladly pay __ dollars for what would make my daughter happy if I were in her shoes." (And plus, they're probably stressed about "losing" their child and all. So it comes out in funny ways, you know?) Now, not every parent is like this*. But many are to some extent, especially if we're considering unconscious and subtle versions of the above.

If paying for the entire wedding on your own is not option, it is important to consider the following tips for negotiating a fair (or zero dollar) emotional interest rate with your lovely parental sponsor(s) or lender(s):

1. Designate a specific time and place to begin discussing the wedding budget with all of those involved. It would not be wise to start an impromptu discussion about financial gifts, loans, requests, and promises when people are caught off guard, stressed, tired, hungry, or still a bit tipsy from wine during dinner. One needs to be at his or her most peaceful state in order to negotiate fairly, with love, and with utmost honesty.

2. Decide whether the financial contributions will be a gift or a loan. This is very important, people! Miscommunication in this area could be the cause of some very embarrassing and uncomfortable situations in the future. Also, having the flexibility to discuss a gift sum vs. a loan sum will increase the likelihood that all involved will feel good about with the situation.  

In our case, my parents will be giving us our generous $5,000 wedding gift up front so that we can put it toward our celebration. This is a gift and will not be paid back. The remaining half of our wedding budget will be coming from a mix of our own cash and dough from Dad. We agreed that any cash from my father exceeding the $5k gift would be repaid as quickly as possible without interest.

3. Decide on a specific amount of money that your parents will *comfortably* contribute. I'm a big fan of Say Yes To The Dress - a reality TV show in which brides shop for designer wedding gowns with designer price tags. (I know, I know...the budget blogger watches that kind of stuff?? What can I say - gorgeous couture gowns make me giddy!)  Sometimes the young women on the show finally find the perfect gown after hours of shopping, only to learn that Mom had a price cap in mind - one that the bride finds disappointing. So the bride and her family go home either empty handed or feeling nervous, resentful, or ambivalent about the chunk of change they threw down.

Without a set dollar amount (one that is clearly communicated to all those involved), things can quickly become uncomfortable. After deciding on a number, talk about its level of flexibility. Is the number at the top of the budget or is it a ballpark figure? And discuss whether or not your parents expect you and your partner to spend hours researching DIY tips in order to stay well below the price cap.

4. Have an honest discussion about the emotional interest rate attached to the loan or gift. This is key. It will make or break everyone's sanity throughout the planning process. Here are some questions that the bride and groom can throw out on the table for all to ponder together:

• If a gift or loan is accepted, what expectations will you have of us in terms of how we spend the money? 
• How would you feel if we spent the money toward items or services that do not agree with your aesthetic/ logistical/ spiritual or religious preferences? 
• How might our parent-child relationship change (or not) as a result of our spending money on things you do not approve of? 
• If we disagree on the way in which the money is being spent, in what ways can we resolve the issue? 

Unfortunately, Brian and I did not go over these questions when we agreed to accept my father's cash gift and loan. (Doh!) So when Dad asked if he could invite 4 friends to the wedding (none of whom I had never met or heard of before), things got messy. Our guest list was tight - it didn't even include any family members under age 18. So to invite 4 strangers to the wedding seemed absurd, especially to Brian. But because we had borrowed so much money from my dad, and because he had supported us in all of our wedding plans (unlike many other overbearing family members), I felt a responsibility to grant him his wish.

Long story short, after lots of arguing, huffing and puffing, and frustration, the compromise was that he could invite 2 friends. And if those 2 friends RSVP'd no, they cannot be replaced by another 2 friends on the B-list.

Even now, I feel winded just thinking about this issue. If I had to do it again I would have put my foot down and said no to my dad, instead of saying "Let's see how many people RSVP 'no'. We'll decide then." (Ugh, BIG mistake.) So yeah. Be brave. Talk it through first!

5. Regularly check in with your parents to assess their thoughts and feelings about how the financial contributions are being spent. This is not to say that you are obligated to appease their every wish. (No way! You are an ADULT.) However, if at any point someone is uncomfortable with how money is being spent, it needs to be aired out so that resentment does not solidify.

Much to my surprise, my mom generously offered to buy my gown on top of the $5k gift that she and my dad were giving us. (I know, I know...I'm crazy blessed.) Luckily, the gown I'd had my eye on was in the $700 range, which was very affordable for my mom. She wasn't quite cool with the fact that it was a short 1950's style dress, but she was happy to pay. 

But then, after trying a long lace number over at David's Bridal, I had a change of heart. And suddenly, my dream dress was $1295 - almost double the amount we had originally intended on spending. Although I offered to pay the difference, my mom insisted that she pay for it in full - evidence of her excitement about the gown being floor-length.

Her decision to pay the extra few hundred dollars sat well with her for several weeks. But well after my dress had been custom built and paid for she shared, "Maybe the dress was a little too extravagant. Do you think we should have gone with something cheaper?" My heart sank. I felt so guilty about it that I could not fully enjoy my dress when it arrived at my house.

Fortunately, we agreed that after the wedding we would sell my gown (perhaps on Once Wed), and make back the $700 difference that was spent. 

What you should take away from all of this is that people's feelings change, and therefore, they should be regularly checked and communicated. Also note that even when a situation goes sour it's possible to mend it through honesty and brainstorming.

The price you pay when parents pay can be minimal IF you all remain committed to honesty, respect, and love for each other. In fact, such a situation could be an opportunity for tremendous growth among your relationships; healthy boundaries will be formed, and your adulthood will be even more clearly defined in the eyes of your parents. Anything is possible when you're brave enough to do the emotional work required.

Good luck!

*If your parent offered money without any emotional strings attached (and none that pop up later down the road), I believe you. But know that you're one of the lucky few, my friend. Be grateful. :)


Photo credit

#35: Why marry NOW?

                                           Allegro Photography
Yesterday I heard the sad news that the beloved aunt of my brother-in-law had died. The last time I saw her she was vibrant, talkative, cute, and happy. But then she fell ill and slipped away from us. And it got me thinking.

Maybe it's because I just finished my internship as a bereavement counselor, or maybe it's because I have always been drawn to sad things...but I think about whose life, of all of our relatives and friends, will last just long enough so that we can share our happy day with them. Morbid and depressing, I know.

This brings me to why Brian and I are getting married now as opposed to 2 years from now when I hopefully have a steady job and many, many pennies saved up for the big day. It's simple: we want to say our vows when both sets of our parents are alive. And not just alive, but also well enough to dance, to bear hug us, and to stay up late talking and laughing about how crazy the day was. Not everyone gets to share such an experience with their parents, but we're blessed enough to look forward to that.

So yes, our guests will be eating BBQ. Yes, half of our $10k budget is really just an early wedding gift from my parents. No, I wasn't given a diamond engagement ring. No, we won't have a cocktail hour, a limousine, a DJ, or favors.

But you know what we will have? Our parents. Our friends and family. And the opportunity to celebrate with all of them during the year in which Brian and I both turn 30 and commit ourselves to the idea that life is too short to wait, and save, and worry, and plan, and wait some more.

Our 130-person BBQ wedding reception is one of the worst financial decisions any unemployed, newly graduated bride with tons of credit card debt could ever make. But. This wedding will be one of the best memories I will ever make. And when I see photos like the one at the top of this post, I'm totally and undoubtedly cool with that.

#32: Why I Hate Bridal Showers (and why I loved mine)

                    My strawberry shortcake-flavored prize for being engaged

Here are 3 things that make me feel uncomfortable:

1. opening a gift in front of the gift-giver (What if I have to pretend to like my present? I hate to feign an excited shrill or ear-to-ear smile, but fine, I'll do it to protect a friend's feelings from being hurt.)

2. mixing one group of my friends with another (What if they don't get along, or if one person feels uncomfortable, left out, or bored?)

3. being the host of a party and only having enough time to do a quick "meet-and-greet" dance from table to table.

So a bridal shower? Not exactly up my alley.  Especially since all of my friends and family would be trapped in a room, forced to engage in small talk over a drawn out process of opening gift-wrapped boxes, and participate in a 3-hour chorus of collective "Awww!'s".

                          The favors: 2 yummy flavors of tea in a pretty box

But here are a few lessons that I learned from the surprisingly lovely, funny, and tearful shower that my sister and my mom threw for me:

• Friends and family just want you to have a good time, even more so than they want themselves to be happy. So if there's anything you are "obligated" to do (whether we're talking your shower or your wedding) it's simply to eat cake and be merry!

                                     Me (far left) and the women I love

• I am not responsible for making everyone feel happy and comfortable 100% of the time. I can do my best, but if someone is bored, or doesn't approve of my casual attitude, or doesn't like the menu, well then I guess we'll all just have to be grown-ups about it and make do. I'm not their mom and they are not children. So I have to stop pressuring myself to be the protector of everyone's feelings.

                         (L to R): future mom, future hubby, current me, future aunt

• There's always room within a long-standing tradition to add new, fun, and personalized elements. For example, opening gifts in front of everyone wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be because I did it MY way. First, I asked everyone to give me some marriage advice when they presented their gift. (And of course, one of the most traditional and conservative women in the room was the one who talked about the joys of make-up sex.) Then I said a little bit about why each gift-giver was a special person in my life and why I freakin' adore them. One of my favorite parts of the day was when my sister gave a little speech about our relationship. Then my mom had everyone hold hands and create a circle around me. She said a blessing, which was followed by some truly touching words from my future in-laws. It was a total cry-fest and I loved it. 

A crock-pot cookbook and a delightful machine that allows domestically disabled gals like me make 
                                                               tasty dinners

• Sometimes it's important to let OTHERS have the pleasure of enjoying a particular tradition, even if it's not particularly meaningful to you. I would not advise you to go this route for all aspects of your wedding, but when the pay-off is much greater than the sacrifice, I say go for it. My sister has been planning my shower for YEARS - and it started long before I met Brian and got engaged. She loves coordinating colors, fancy brunch menus, charming restaurants, pretty flowers, and ladies sipping tea. I don't love those things but I LOVE my big sis, and if making her happy is as easy as letting her throw me a party, I'm game.

                                        My sis, the MILF

• Traditions are meaningful. Not to everyone, but to most. What allows a non-traditional girl like me to appreciate traditional celebrations? I make my own meaning. And how was my shower meaningful to ME? I saw it as generations of women who have gathered to support me as I make a tremendous life transition. They are women who in their own unique way have taught me how to love, and thus, have taught me how to be a good wife to my future husband. The gifts they bring are not merely for my house; they are meant to help me build a home. It doesn't get much more beautiful than that, folks.

                                  Mom and a serial cake murderer

So if there's anything I've learned from this experience it's that it takes a village raise a strong marriage. My village is the women who laughed, cried, and ate brunch and cake with me this past weekend. This bridal shower was NOT about being honored, feeling special and pretty, nor about getting gifts off of our registry. For me it was a kick-ass day of Thanksgiving, minus the turkey.

#15: Grown-Up's Guide to Guest Lists

Imagine what it would be like if you died at a ripe old age, went to Heaven, and was greeted by a Mardi Gras-sized parade of all the people you've ever known and loved in your lifetime. Well, that's the feeling we were going for when Brian and I were preparing our wedding guest list. For us, size mattered. And we preferred to have a packed room with only burgers to serve than to feed steak and lobster to 20 people.

But then reality hit. And we realized that even with serving burgers we had to cut down our guest list due to budget restrictions. (Unemployed new graduate here. Hello.)

So today's post is all about cutting the guest list. And as usual, my advice has everything to do with the whole grown-up, ballsy, brave bride theme. Why? Because cutting the list has everything to do with saying no, dealing with guilt, experiencing discomfort with friends who you can't afford to invite, setting boundaries, etc., ...and that's TOUGH.

Before I get to the nitty-gritty, here are a few basics:

A-List & B-List
You may want to create an A-list (definite invitees), and a B-list (people who can come in place of A-listers who RSVP "no"). This may sound cold and methodic, but we sub-categorized our B-listers according to the order in which we wanted them to come. It makes things easier and straight-forward once the "no" RSVP's start trickling in.

*And to be clear, it's not that guests on the B-list are not special people in your life. Of course you love them. Of course you'd like to see them in your Mardi Gras parade in the sky! But there's a budget to adhere to, or perhaps an intimate vibe that you're going for. And if your loved ones love you like you love them, then they'll continue to love you even if they're not invited.


The "Will it suck?" exercise
It goes like this: When you and your fiance are in a cloud of bliss exchanging vows or having your first dance, will you be thinking "It sucks that ___ is not here."? If you'll be thinking about/ missing the person whose name is in that blank, then NO, NO, NO, don't leave them off the list! But if you don't think you'll be thinking about him/ her during your wedding day highlights, then perhaps they can be on the B-list.

A few thoughts on GUILT
Wanna know a secret? There are both appropriate and inappropriate feelings of guilt. It's appropriate to feel guilty when you've done something that is not in line with your core values. (e.g., Not inviting your best friend because she lost 50 lbs. and might make you look fat in your wedding dress.)

But there is inappropriate guilt, too. This kind of guilt is really just anger that you place on yourself, which you (subconsciously) wish you could direct at another person. You feel that this person has placed an unreasonable expectation on you, but because you are feeling too intimidated or embarrassed to get angry at them for doing so, you just get angry at yourself for not being able to live up to their expectations. So. If your cousin throws a fit because you didn't invite her boyfriend of 2 months, please don't cave in and move him onto the A-list. By all means, be mad at your cousin (not yourself) for enforcing her unreasonable expectation. Guilt should not be the reason you invite someone.


That being said, here are some categories of people who you might consider leaving off the A-list:

Co-workers
You've got 2 choices here. You can either invite a select few or none at all. If you want to invite just a select number of them but are having difficulty choosing, you should consider only inviting those who you've hung out with outside of work, or those you'd like to hang out with even if you changed jobs in the future. Or just try my "Will it suck?" exercise described earlier.

Children
This one makes me sad. I LOVE kids. And there is something so special about 3-4 generations of families all being together all in the same room.  But if you've got a budget like ours, sometimes kids have to stay home with the babysitter. If you're feeling guilty about this, talk to the parents of those kids you can't invite. Get their honest feelings. Share yours. Get it all out. Don't let it be something you stay guilty about and they secretly stay angry about.

One caveat: Brian and I decided that if lack of a babysitter is the deciding factor in a person's RSVP response, then we'd allow them to bring their children. And this is because the parents passed the "Will it suck?" test with flying colors.

Friends who are in your "crew" but are on the fringes
Yeah, here's where guilt creeps in. They are your friends. You like 'em. You wanna give them wedding cake and do the electric slide together. So what do you do? It's all about the "Will it suck?" exercise. Oh, and again, talk with them if it seems like there are funky feelings brewing. Communication is key.

Plus 1's
Because our budget is so tight, we decided that the only people who are welcome to bring a date are those who will not know anyone else at the wedding. And by "know anyone else" I mean is friends with anyone else. (Acquaintances don't count.) Why? Because it's a party, baby! We want our guests to have fun! And aside from social butterflies, few people can have fun at a party where everyone is a stranger.

Boyfriends/ Girlfriends of guests
We'd love for everyone to have a date to slow dance with - really. But again, we've got to cut somewhere. So we only invited boyfriends/ girlfriends of people whose partner we knew and liked, and also those that are in serious long-term relationships. And, of course, if they are engaged to their beloved then they're pretty much a married couple in our book, and therefore, they travel in two's. :)

People that your parents want to invite
This can be a toughie, especially if your parents are contributing financially. Again, it's all about communication, especially your/ their expectations given the fact that they're paying. I'm going to write a separate post on the issue of setting boundaries with parents, but for now I'll just suggest that you consider the following: How might your relationship with your parents change if you don't invite their friends? Maybe it won't change at all. But you don't know unless you ask. Talk it through with the fiance. Explore it with your parents. Choose your battles. Wisely.

Family members who you can't stand
This goes back to choosing your battles wisely. What's worth a family uproar and what isn't?  It's totally subjective.

I simply recommend that you reflect on your values. Talk to your fiance about what "family" means. Define it. Use specifics. This will help you sort out your *core values* when it comes to family. It will make it easier to choose an action that reflects your values, not just your feelings of anger, annoyance, or ambivalence toward the person.


In summary...
Creating a guest list requires reflection, communication, and guts. Brave brides can say "no" in a kind way. And they can say "hell no" when they are being walked on. Brave brides are willing to learn the art of compromise. They know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate guilt. Brave brides can sit through discomfort and talk things out with their fiance, relatives and friends.

Like with any part of the wedding planning process, be open to defining and re-defining your personal values more clearly - and on your terms. (Not according to my blog or what yo' mama thinks is appropriate.) Because years from now when your wedding photos are faded and frayed at the edges, the only decisions you'll regret will be the ones that went against your personal values.