#91: Why I Can Thank My Exboyfriend For My Marriage

If you've successfully survived puberty you probably have a long list of lessons you've learned about love and relationships. You have an idea of what love looks like, how long it lasts, who finds it, who deserves it, why you lose it, and what's a fair exchange in order to have it.

All of our opinions about love and marriage are based on our own experiences with love, loss, and loneliness. They are not necessarily very wise or true ideas but they feel about as real and true as our own breath.

I've had one Major Adult Heartbreak in my life, and it involved: (1) me, about 6 years younger and more naive than I am now; (2) a funny, gentle, “old soul” who I'll refer to as "D"; (3) a year of rainbows and happy sighs with D; (4) some talk about marriage and (5) a little brunette in D's grad school class who he ended up liking more than me.

After my relationship with D was pulled out from under me, I was left completely winded and traumatized. I had the following Big Bad Love Lessons etched into my heart:

• Love can leave you at any moment, even when you've tried your best

• No one can be trusted. 

• You can't even trust your own feelings – just look where they got you.

• People change their minds about you and there's nothing you can do about it.

• There is always the chance that your partner will find someone "better" than you...and act on it. Because good people cheat, too.

• Your partner can say one thing but be feeling something completely different. You cannot force people to be honest with you.

• Love does not "conquer all". There is no such thing as "soul mates". Sorry John Lennon, but love is NOT all you need. Nice girls DO finish last. And being in a relationship is just a disaster waiting to happen because people are bound to disappoint you. So why bother?

• Loving someone won't make them love you back.

• No matter how much you care for a person, they may never care half as much about you.

If you haven't already jumped over a bridge in despair after reading all of that, I'll admit that I learned some empowering, beautiful, and positive lessons from my breakup with D, too.

But the Big Bad Love Lessons are the ones that cling to me and keep me down. They keep my heart in a cage. They were the ice cubes under my cold feet. They were the baggage I carried when I met my husband Brian over 5 years ago.

So I've come up with a theory. My theory is that for those of us who have been through hell and back (which is pretty much everyone with a heartbeat), you marry the person who gives you hope that those scary and nasty Big Bad Love Lessons you've picked up from your Big Bad Ex aren't necessarily true. Your partner/ spouse is your little mustard seed of faith, your shimmering silver lining.

I've mentioned in a previous post that the first word that comes to mind when I think of Brian is reliable. I know – it's not a very endearing or interesting adjective. And for a fun-loving goofball animator, it definitely doesn't do his sense of humor or creativity any justice. But when I met him at age 25, I was steps away from the edge of an emotional cliff, and the one thing I needed in my life was to know that:

While everything changes and comes to an end, some people can be counted on most of the time. And when you think about it, that's all you can ask for. These people are the most reliable when they're great communicators- that way when they're having trouble being reliable, they're brave enough to admit it and ask for help.

Lucky for me these people do exist in human male heterosexual form. It's hardly a romantic idea, but this is precisely what I needed to keep me from giving up hope on love. And this is what Brian, along with many other things, has to offer.

I know that our marriage and love will evolve over time. I know that on some days we will want to jump ship, abort mission, and be free from each another. Those feelings are part of life. But thankfully the one thing we do really well is effectively communicate our asses off. We talk about big feelings, scary feelings, and shameful feelings. And while I can't rely on Brian to always find me attractive, or always like me, or always want to put up with my baggage, or never ever mess up and cheat on me, I can at least count on him to always be in communication with me. I can count on him to stick around and put up a good fight instead of automatically running away into the arms of someone to whom he doesn't owe any honesty or bravery. Fighting the good fight in the name of your marriage is what it means to be an *emotionally reliable* spouse.

Had I not met D my priority would not have been to find someone emotionally reliable; I would have been focusing more on being with a smart, sensitive, cultured, and hilarious playwright, like D, who may not be emotionally reliable but at least he was impressive as hell and perfect on paper.

But after having loved and lost, I now want good old meat-and-potatoes Brian. He might not be perfect on paper, but he is my house made of brick. He is my safe haven. He is the family I've chosen for myself -- the imperfect, messy, fun, and always-there-waiting-for-me-no-matter-how-far-I-roam house on a hill.

So back to my theory. What Big Bad Love Lessons did YOU learn from your ex? And how does your current partner or spouse bury those darn things in the ground? How has your criteria for a husband or wife been influenced by the Major Adult Heartache of your life?


Image by Starry Eyed Kid

#45: Taking the PLUNGE: Skydiving & Marriage

This past Sunday at my co-ed skydiving bachelorette party, I realized that there is a reason why "taking the plunge," whether we're talkin' skydiving or marriage, can cause a lot of unnecessary panic and cold feet.

Sometimes the anticipation of that which is risky is scarier and more debilitating than engaging in the act itself. This is not to say that the jump or a marriage are a piece of cake - clearly, I'm aware that both can suck you dry of everything you've got, as evident in my post-jump, dizzied, barf face in this photo:

Note: I didn't actually barf but for nearly an hour after the jump I could barely stand. SO worth it!

But when the fear is in your MIND as opposed to in your heart, it's wise to simply take a leap of faith. (NOTE: Please DO return to the kinks in your mind, however. With your fiance. With friends. With a therapist. With a spiritual guru of your choice. Because those kinks probably come from a place of irrational fear and baggage, and trust me, they don't just dissolve over time on their own.)

Watch my skydiving slideshow all the way through to the end to read more of my thoughts on cold feet both in the sky and at the altar. The video below cuts off the text - ARGH! - so you might want to click on this link instead. (Live video of jump coming soon!)

#32: Why I Hate Bridal Showers (and why I loved mine)

                    My strawberry shortcake-flavored prize for being engaged

Here are 3 things that make me feel uncomfortable:

1. opening a gift in front of the gift-giver (What if I have to pretend to like my present? I hate to feign an excited shrill or ear-to-ear smile, but fine, I'll do it to protect a friend's feelings from being hurt.)

2. mixing one group of my friends with another (What if they don't get along, or if one person feels uncomfortable, left out, or bored?)

3. being the host of a party and only having enough time to do a quick "meet-and-greet" dance from table to table.

So a bridal shower? Not exactly up my alley.  Especially since all of my friends and family would be trapped in a room, forced to engage in small talk over a drawn out process of opening gift-wrapped boxes, and participate in a 3-hour chorus of collective "Awww!'s".

                          The favors: 2 yummy flavors of tea in a pretty box

But here are a few lessons that I learned from the surprisingly lovely, funny, and tearful shower that my sister and my mom threw for me:

• Friends and family just want you to have a good time, even more so than they want themselves to be happy. So if there's anything you are "obligated" to do (whether we're talking your shower or your wedding) it's simply to eat cake and be merry!

                                     Me (far left) and the women I love

• I am not responsible for making everyone feel happy and comfortable 100% of the time. I can do my best, but if someone is bored, or doesn't approve of my casual attitude, or doesn't like the menu, well then I guess we'll all just have to be grown-ups about it and make do. I'm not their mom and they are not children. So I have to stop pressuring myself to be the protector of everyone's feelings.

                         (L to R): future mom, future hubby, current me, future aunt

• There's always room within a long-standing tradition to add new, fun, and personalized elements. For example, opening gifts in front of everyone wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be because I did it MY way. First, I asked everyone to give me some marriage advice when they presented their gift. (And of course, one of the most traditional and conservative women in the room was the one who talked about the joys of make-up sex.) Then I said a little bit about why each gift-giver was a special person in my life and why I freakin' adore them. One of my favorite parts of the day was when my sister gave a little speech about our relationship. Then my mom had everyone hold hands and create a circle around me. She said a blessing, which was followed by some truly touching words from my future in-laws. It was a total cry-fest and I loved it. 

A crock-pot cookbook and a delightful machine that allows domestically disabled gals like me make 
                                                               tasty dinners

• Sometimes it's important to let OTHERS have the pleasure of enjoying a particular tradition, even if it's not particularly meaningful to you. I would not advise you to go this route for all aspects of your wedding, but when the pay-off is much greater than the sacrifice, I say go for it. My sister has been planning my shower for YEARS - and it started long before I met Brian and got engaged. She loves coordinating colors, fancy brunch menus, charming restaurants, pretty flowers, and ladies sipping tea. I don't love those things but I LOVE my big sis, and if making her happy is as easy as letting her throw me a party, I'm game.

                                        My sis, the MILF

• Traditions are meaningful. Not to everyone, but to most. What allows a non-traditional girl like me to appreciate traditional celebrations? I make my own meaning. And how was my shower meaningful to ME? I saw it as generations of women who have gathered to support me as I make a tremendous life transition. They are women who in their own unique way have taught me how to love, and thus, have taught me how to be a good wife to my future husband. The gifts they bring are not merely for my house; they are meant to help me build a home. It doesn't get much more beautiful than that, folks.

                                  Mom and a serial cake murderer

So if there's anything I've learned from this experience it's that it takes a village raise a strong marriage. My village is the women who laughed, cried, and ate brunch and cake with me this past weekend. This bridal shower was NOT about being honored, feeling special and pretty, nor about getting gifts off of our registry. For me it was a kick-ass day of Thanksgiving, minus the turkey.

#28: Protocol for handling MARITAL INFIDELITY

Image from here

Every building has clear instructions for evacuation in case of fire. Every airplane flight begins with a demonstration of how to respond in case of emergency. Every country has a protocol for responding to natural disasters.

So why not have a game plan for when/ if you or your partner effs up on the vow of monogamy?

It's not a very pleasant thought, especially for those of us who are engaged and all bright-eyed and hopeful. BUT. If there's one thing I've learned about monogamy (from personal experience and the experience of...oh, human beings in general), it's that monogamy is hard as hell to pull off. More importantly, anyone is susceptible to slipping up because no person in the world has lived without ever having made a mistake. No, not even your wonderful fiance. And not even you. While it may be true that neither you or your partner have cheated in the past, it would be naive to be 100% certain that it won't happen in the future. Sorry.

So my fiance, Brian, and I have designed a protocol for handling marital infidelity. When we say our vows in 5 weeks, we intend for our union to be a permanent one, which means that there are no deal-breakers (unless abuse of spouse or children are involved). So...we've designed a "break in case of emergency" glass box; a game plan for when disaster strikes. We've also discussed the "preventative medicine" we must take in order to heighten our chances of success.

Image from here

What does this involve? Well, mostly heart-wrenching honesty. Brian and I talked about what forms of "harmless flirtation" piss us off, and what kinds of situations are just too risky ("Want to go grab a drink after work, just the two of us?" asks cute new secretary.) We agreed that if we ever had a major crush on someone we see regularly, that we would share this with one another so that secret crushes don't snowball and turn into secret affairs. We discussed whether or not a one-time drunken kiss is a form of cheating that's worth confessing...how a small mistake like that could lead to long-lasting psychological scarring for the victimized partner...and how such a humongous consequence does not match the relatively small crime. And finally, we discussed how we would respond if an affair had taken place. Our general plan* in case of infidelity:

• Immediate divorce: No

• Temporary separation: Possibly but not necessarily (many factors to consider here)

• Counseling/ Therapy (individual and/or marital): Hell yeah.

I am the keeper of many married couples' secrets. On more than one occasion a person very near and dear to my heart has shared that their partner has cheated, that they themselves have had an affair, or that they had been "the other woman". Please note: these people are very close to me and I love them. They are not a bunch of low-life cheaters on the prowl, succumbing to every vice under the sun. On the contrary, I tend to roll with folks who are like me -- educated, hard-working professionals who are very close with their circle of family and friends, and are generally traditional in their values yet open-minded.  They are real people with big hearts who have effed up (or been effed over) at some point in their lives.

So all of this to say that having a protocol for handling disaster is not only for walking screw-ups with a history of cheating. And a protocol for handling marital infidelity is not a permission slip to make out with that cute co-worker during happy hour just because you and your partner have a back-up plan. A protocol is simply a smart thing to have...and, I will argue, a loving thing to have. Why? Because if you truly want to protect your relationship, you'll do anything to prepare for the realities of married life. You'll muster all of your courage to have those uncomfortable yet necessary conversations. You'll be brave enough to acknowledge marriage as it is, and not just hope for how you think it should be.

So go home, talk to your partner, and design a protocol of your own. Be brave in the name of love.

*OUR plan is not YOUR plan. This works for us based on our values and attitudes toward marriage. 

#17: Cold Feet (part 1): The grass is always greener in another cute boy's yard.

When you're in love and engaged you're not supposed to be checking out other guys and crushing on 'em like an 11-year-old, hormonal, acne-covered girl with mosquito bites for boobs. But I'm a bona fide boy crazy chick 4 life, and that may never change. I love first dates. I love blind dates. I love all dates. So being married, like, forever and ever, is a little scary for me. I'm nervous, to be quite honest. I wonder if I'll be any good at being a wife, and (to a lesser extent, actually), if Brian will be any good at being a husband.

I hate knowing that we will inevitably be attracted to other people. And I'm not just talking physically - I mean emotionally and even spiritually. Because the truth is, there are multiple people in this world with whom we could have a potentially wonderful romantic partnership. There are people who can make us laugh harder than our fiances can. And there are people who are not even capable of making us as annoyed as our fiances do at times.

So what's a girl to do when she's bent on all of these heavy thoughts? She talks to her fiance about it. And when I talked to mine, he did his usual little magic trick where he talks me down from the ledge.

Brian assured me that what I'm feeling is normal, and what I'm thinking is true. But he also said that if I keep holding back from fully committing because the grass is always greener in another cute boy's yard, I'm going to miss out on all of the wonderful things that are unique to a long-term relationship.

I'm coming to grips with the fact that having cold feet doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't mean I don't love Brian. It doesn't mean I'm not ready to be married. And it doesn't mean that I'm more likely to be a bad wife. I'm just proceeding with caution, moving forward, and plowing through. And that's the best and bravest thing I can do for now.

The torturous and confusing struggle to keep myself realistic (vs. pessimistic) about fidelity is baggage that I carry from my past relationships. It takes all my strength to muster up enough bravery and energy to put a lid on my obsessive anticipation of tragedy. This is the price I pay for the boundless, kick-ass love that I have with Brian. And when I think of my worries in those terms, my cold feet become room temp.

#14: The Dreaded Bridal Diet

Ahh, the dreaded bridal diet.

I get it. We want to look perfect in our dress. Some of us are paying $100 (or more) per hour to wear it so we had better be a knockout, right? We don't want bulges in all the wrong places. We don't want dangling wings of skin and chub flapping in the air as we raise our arms during the YMCA. We want to look back on our wedding photos and totally have a crush on ourselves.

But here's where women get psycho. Case Study: Me.
Five years ago I was a size 13. Then someone dumped me, I got depressed, lost 25 lbs and became a size 8. Right now my bust and hips are a size 6, but my waist is still stubbornly an 8. So I'm hoping that my muffin top decides to jump on board the 6 train like the rest of my body already has, ya know? But more than that I just wish I were a size 4.

Like I said - psycho. And scared. And self-loathing. And none of that makes me a brave bride as defined here.

Seriously, I'm not looking forward to cutting rice out of my diet. (I'm Filipino and that would be like asking me not to breathe.) So screw the dreaded bridal diet. I'm on a liberating non-diet. I'm seeking healing and wellness on a deeper level. And my manual is a book called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. (Check out more of my thoughts on this book at my other blog.)

I'm about to be someone's wife and maybe one day someone's mother. And (ironically), this means that I need to man up and grow a pair of balls. I can't continue with a yo-yo dieting lifestyle; that's like putting a bandage on a leaky pipe. It's avoidance. It's cowardly.

Somewhere deep inside all of my layers is a brave woman, and as you know from the title of this blog I'm trying to summon her during my wedding planning process. So I plan to document my journey with Women Food and God on this blog. I don't know what this book holds for me, but I do know that there will be no calorie counting, gym obsession, weekly weigh-ins, or guilt.

In short, there will be none of this (note ad on bottom):

...which would inevitably lead to too much of this:

On my wedding day I will most definitely still have some muffin top. But I will be a woman who is working toward physical and *emotional* health. And I think that's more beautiful than me as a size 4.

Who's with me??

#12: The Big Picture (Warning: Kleenex recommended)

 "QT" = quality time. It usually involves liquor (for fiance, Brian), chocolate (for me), popcorn (for both of us), and the magical goodness of TiVo. Here's what happened during last night's QT session:

Me: I counsel all of these people whose husbands or wives have died. And they never say that they miss that great vacation to Hawaii with their spouse or anything-- they say they miss weeknights when they would hang out and watch TV together. And they say it's not the same watching TV alone. So I was just thinking that one day we won't have moments like this. You'll be alive and alone, or I'll be alive and alone. [Tears roll down my cheeks.] And you know what? This morning when you were angry about your job and I was depressed about everything...none of that even matters.

Him: I know. [Wipes my tears with his hand.]

#11: The "no good" list

A few moments ago fiance asked why I had not bothered to clean the cat box in the past few weeks, leaving him to scoop the poop nearly every night.

Me: I keep forgetting.
Him: If I were gone for a week would you just forget to change our kids' diapers? 
Me: (no answer)
Him: Or would you forget to feed them?
Me: (no answer)

And suddenly the following list pops up in my mind:

I'm just no good at...

• follow-through
• consistency
• keeping my word
• discipline
• schedules
• remembering

And then, with eyes already closed, fiance crawls under the covers and says in a groggy mumble: "But I don't hate you."

Know why he said this? Because he knows that the more strongly I feel a difficult emotion, the quieter I get. (Yup, introvert here.) And so he knew that in my silence I secretly felt hated. But not by him-- by myself.

In 75 days I am going to be somebody's flighty, moody, sensitive, fickle, coach potato, head-in-the-clouds wife. It's frightening and depressing to know that I will (on some days) be a disappointment to him. It only highlights the simplicity of the single life-- a time when I could keep my worst flaws somewhat tucked away, on a leash, and under control. I don't think any person (not my mother or my best friends) has ever had hand-to-hand combat with my flaws quite like my partner has.

But there's no turning back now. I've already signed up for the vulnerability and no-holds-barred kind of relationship that marriage is. So Brian, brace yourself--because there's no telling what ugly junk will surface from now until our golden anniversary.

#6: Letting go of option #2

(Note: This post is about a dress. But it's also about that special ex-boyfriend/ ex-girlfriend from your past. What?? Huh???)

Okay, I try to be a laid back person who sees the big picture and appreciates the simple things in life...

But then the wedding dress hunt began-- and I became one completely INSANE woman. I've been making myself, my fiance, and my dress maker crazy with my indecision and last-minute changes regarding the design of my custom dress.

And last night, it happened again- I started to second guess myself. Upon reviewing my top 5 favorite wedding dresses from yesterday's post, I realized that there are 2 kinds of wedding dresses that I like. And since I went with option #1 for the design of my custom dress, I've been wondering if it was a mistake not to go with option #2.

Fiance Brian was getting super pissed off about all of my dress drama. He asked me why it is so hard to commit to one dress.

And then it hit me. Letting go of option #2 is like letting go of the man in your life who you might have married had you not met the man who would eventually become your #1 choice.

It's not easy letting go of that other option (be it a dress or a man) because it/he had some amazing qualities. Not choosing #2 feels as if you're minimizing how much it meant to you. But most of all, it still feels like a huge loss no matter what you've gained by choosing option #1. (Wait, are we talkin' the dress or the man here? I'll leave that up to your interpretation.)

 
I'm only human. So I'm going to wonder about option #2 from time to time, and that's okay. But what scares me is when all of this wondering makes me question how happy I am with the one I've chosen.

And this, my friends, is where commitment comes in. Eventually I've got to do it-- even when I'm totally scared and guilty about that fear. I must "Say Yes to the Dress" knowing full well that there are other wonderful eligible bachelors, err...DRESSES out there. Because once you've found a good one you've got to hold on tight or you'll end up with nothing.

So this is me committing. To the dress, to the man.

#1: "Brave Bride" defined

                                   Photo by Travis Hoehne via Polka Dot Bride

Hello, wedding blog world. Got room for one more?

I'm no expert. At anything, really. All I know is that as I plan my July 2010 wedding I want to focus on the big picture. I want my wedding planning process to be about growing in wisdom, not just about saving, spending, and color coordination.

So this blog is about BALLS. It's about how to be a brave bride.

What is a brave bride? She is someone who:

• wants a ceremony and reception that celebrates love, not just luxury (Although there ain't nothing wrong with fancy parties. Viva la shrimp cocktail!)
• refuses to act against her and her partner's personal values in order to meet the expectations of others (I'm talkin' style, budget, spiritual beliefs, etc.)
• is willing to stand up for her uniqueness, yet dares not break from kindness or integrity when doing so
• is open to learning the art of compromise
• is interested in strengthening her relationship with her partner, her loved ones, and herself throughout the wedding planning process
• wants to fight fair with her future life partner (oh yes, there will be fighting), as they work together on what is probably their largest project to date
• has the occasional meltdown but survives it, apologizes to the innocent bystander(s), and then gets focused on the big picture again 
• knows that outer beauty (yes, even on her wedding day) pales in comparison to the importance of inner beauty

But like I said earlier, I'm no expert at this grown-up stuff. I can only hope that other brides-to-be out there share a similar vision for themselves, and that together we can learn from each other and form a supportive community in this little corner of the blogosphere. After all, birds of a kick-ass feather flock together! :-)

All of this being said, will I be posting pretty pictures of wedding-related eye candy sure to make you drool right onto your computer keyboard? Heck yeah! Because looking at pretty things feeds the soul, too, you know.

As I plan my own wedding I hope that this blog keeps my eye on the prize, which is always and unfailingly LOVE. 

So here's to beauty, to budget, and to balls. Cheers!