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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

#18: Cold Feet (part 2): The Tale of Two Volcanoes

Ain't it scary to know that two people can start off with love and good intentions, only to end up being the thorn in each other's side?  It's so scary, in fact, that it kept me up for hours one night. What am I signing myself up for? I thought to myself. Will our love end up in divorce like 50% of America? (Or whatever the statistic is.)

For non-confrontational people like myself, marital strife often comes in the form of resentful thoughts and hurt feelings that live underground like molten lava in the earth. Man and wife are two volcanoes sitting next to each other, rumbling, waiting, and hating. The familiar and "comfortable" method of communication is explosive eruption or brooding silence.

The scariest part is that most troubled couples weren't always like this. In the beginning they were just a young 20-something couple that was in love. Some may even have come from big families and had parents with long and happy marriages. So if "The Tale of Two Volcanoes" can happen in their love story, it can happen to anyone's.

Lucky for me I'm on a mission to grow balls. They're not very big but they're developing - mostly through writing, reflecting, and lots of talking with a fiance whose bold ballsy-ness impresses the heck out of me. Another advantage that Brian and I have is our openness to individual and couples therapy if our relationship ever needed it. (Yup, we've talked about this.)

For me, so much of being engaged is just about being brave. It's about being fully aware of the realities of marriage and signing up anyway, knowing that when the time comes to fight for my relationship I've got to have the guts to be honest, the guts to hear my husband be honest with me, and the guts to do the work that needs to be done.


  1. Can definitely relate to this one!!! I love my parents dearly, but I DON"T WANT THEIR MARRIAGE lol.

  2. And then of course having a psych background you and I both know how much our parents' marriages will rub off on our own. Oy!

    Have you found that your fighting style is like your parents'? Mine is. Then couple that with Brian's fighting style (which he got from his parents), and BAM -- it's reality TV-worthy fights up in our crib!

  3. Actually, my fighting style is exactly like my dad's and Ben's is very similar to my moms (I know we're supposed to marry our dads but the only way Ben resembles my dad is his work ethic. Everything else is so much like my mom it's scary!!!) His parents don't seem to fight much so I don't know what exactly he inherited from them.

  4. Ben doesn't strike me as the fighting type, hehe. I think that's why he gets along so well with Brian (their Bro-mance is timeless and perfect, ya know). Brian is such a firecracker, while I'm like waves in the ocean - calm and laid back...until we want to flood your ass!

  5. ...Oops, and by "flood your ass" I don't mean in a kinky, pervy, internet sensation kind of way. ;)

  6. LMAO I hadn't thought that's what you meant.
    Hmm, sounds like Bri and I have similar temperments. And why Ben can be married to me and in a Bromance with him.
    He's definitely a "Pick your battles" type of guy. If something matters to him he'll stand up for it, but other than that he's pretty mellow. That definitely does not apply to me ;)


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