#105: HappySadScared Tears

I cry a lot but I'm not a cry baby. There's a difference.

You see, my brain only thinks in exaggerations, so my emotions are BIG and WILD like tidal waves, and as a result I'm frequently in tears. I cry when I'm feeling satisfied with life (happy tears!), when I'm sad (duh), when I'm angry (which always seems to detract from my anger's credibility), and also when I'm scared (like when I watched the creepy dark-haired little girl from The Ring crawl out of that television).

Last night another unexpected emotional tidal wave hit, and Brian, half asleep, heard me sobbing in bed:

Me: (Sniffle, sniffle.)
Brian: Why are you crying?
Me: I don't want you to die.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Me: I used to think that if we ever broke up for whatever reason, I'd be okay - I'd be upset, obviously, and depressed for a while, but not, you know, destroyed. But the problem is now that we're married I love you even MORE than I did last year. It was easier to imagine you gone when I loved you a little less. But now I don't want to ever be away from you. What if you die young? Or what if I died at age 35 - what would you do???
Brian: [He turns away.] I have an itch - can you scratch my back?


And that's when I realized that being under the warm covers scratching the middle part of your husband's back, the part that he can't reach, is such an awesome thing to be able to do on a chilly Sunday evening. Life is good. And maybe I'm happier than I think. Maybe we all are.

While it's so utterly sad that we won't always have each other, and while it's scary to know that one day one of us will be lying in bed alone and there will be no one asking for a back scratch or no one available to be a scratcher, I'm quite happy and thankful that tonight none of that is true. We love each other and we live together - what more do you really need?

I cried a lot of tears last night. But all this really means is that my life in the present is so full of joy; I've got a lot to lose, you see, and that's a good thing. It's much better than having a life with nothing and no one to lose. So maybe my SadScared Tears are just there to remind me of how happy I actually am. They're a kick in the butt to be more grateful, too.

One of the bravest things I've ever done is get married. I thought I'd never do it - not after losing someone so special to me and knowing far too intimately the pain of such a thing. I never wanted to be vulnerable to that kind of loss again.

But fate favors the brave, and now I've got this incredible Love as my reward. And I don't think that I'll ever regret this gamble, not even when Brian is gone and the landscape of my life has changed.

There's a song by a band called Paramore that acts as the perfect soundtrack to the HappySadScared Tears that I shed about Brian. And you guessed it - every time I hear it on the radio while I'm driving I turn it up, sing along, and start sobbing like a damn fool. The song goes:

Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone 
and keep a straight face
I've always lived like this - keeping a comfortable distance
And up until I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
But you are the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing



Photo credit

#97: Cracks In The Foundation

I talk a lot about how stable and safe marriage feels, and how your partner is home personified. He or she can patch up old heart wounds,  love you even when you're just no good, talk honestly about tough stuff like infidelity and death, and support you through the worst cases of diarrhea. Marriage is the incredible opportunity to CHOOSE your family and your firm foundation.

But.

A crazy string of little disasters has happened to my family and best friends in the last few weeks that have made me realize that any home is susceptible to cracks in its foundation:

•  My friend's mother might only have a few more weeks to live.
• A relative broke up with his long-term girlfriend - a woman who I'd hoped would be married into our family one day.
• There's major infidelity and pain in some of the most storybook romances that I know of.
• There's aging, serious illness, and mental disorders galore in my family. People change, people are forced into the role of caretaker, and people don't live forever.

No family can ever stay the same - people's needs change, people's ability to care for you is inconsistent, people leave, people are replaced, and people die. Scary but true.

So when I write on this blog about all of the stability that marriage and family life offer, I speak more of an intention rather than reality. Because it is virtually impossible for any person or group of people to be all that you want and need them to be throughout the years. A family can't fight off disaster; being a family is merely a sincere intention that you and your loved ones will experience the worst and most brutal seasons of life together. And while this is pee-in-your-pants frightening, it's one of the most beautiful things human relationships have to offer.

So today I wait to hear if my friend's mom's surgery on her cancerous tumors will grant her a few extra years to live, or if the surgery is unsuccessful and she's left with just weeks. I sit and wait to see if my friends' and family members' marriages survive infidelity. I say goodbye to people I thought would be family forever.

These are the cracks in the foundation. This is the price we pay for loving. This is exactly the kind of life that my husband, Brian, *intends* to hold my hand through forever and ever. And I must find my happiness in that.

#93: Do you put your partner on a pedestal?

One of the most dangerous things to do is put your partner on a pedestal. Of course, it ain't healthy to perceive any mere mortal as a god or goddess. (Okay fine, I should take my own advice and stop squealing when Oprah says wise things or gives away trips to Australia. Easier said than done, though.) But putting your partner on a pedestal is particularly detrimental to your own mental health and to your marriage/ relationship.

Here's what happened when I put my ex-almost-fiance on a pedestal: When he decided I was not the woman for him, I crashed and burned. For realz. (Umm...did ya read this post?)

And here's what happens when you put your spouse on a pedestal: (1) You get so disappointed when he/ she majorly screws up or breaks down, that you yourself become broken; (2) you find yourself in the arms of a cute stranger who conveniently distracts you from the crappy parts of your marriage and (3) you kind of lose your sense of self apart from being a wife or husband. NOT good. Why? Because you were a uniquely special and independent person before you met your partner, and you will need to feel like a uniquely special and independent person when your partner is physically or emotionally out of your life (through death, or a midlife crisis, or experiencing a bout of depression, or seriously ill, or in the hormonal throws of menopause).

Now I know your partner is amazing and all - it's why you love them, why you see yourself being happily married to them forever and ever, and why you plan to make out with them tonight. That's all fine and dandy. But be conscious of the difference between loving in a healthy way vs. a fairytale way.

So how do you know if you're putting your honey on a pedestal? Honestly, it's tough to come up with general guidelines for this because it is, for certain people, a very subtle phenomenon that would require some picking of thy brain. But since I can't do my psychotherapy magic on you, here are 2 general warning signs:

• You think his/ her worst qualities aren't that bad (Not to be confused with you being able to handle their incredibly infuriating flaws in a healthy way.)
• You have yet to experience wanting to ring your hands around his/ her neck.

What do YOU consider signs of pedestalism? (I just made up a word. Whatchya gonna do about it??)

photo credit

#91: Why I Can Thank My Exboyfriend For My Marriage

If you've successfully survived puberty you probably have a long list of lessons you've learned about love and relationships. You have an idea of what love looks like, how long it lasts, who finds it, who deserves it, why you lose it, and what's a fair exchange in order to have it.

All of our opinions about love and marriage are based on our own experiences with love, loss, and loneliness. They are not necessarily very wise or true ideas but they feel about as real and true as our own breath.

I've had one Major Adult Heartbreak in my life, and it involved: (1) me, about 6 years younger and more naive than I am now; (2) a funny, gentle, “old soul” who I'll refer to as "D"; (3) a year of rainbows and happy sighs with D; (4) some talk about marriage and (5) a little brunette in D's grad school class who he ended up liking more than me.

After my relationship with D was pulled out from under me, I was left completely winded and traumatized. I had the following Big Bad Love Lessons etched into my heart:

• Love can leave you at any moment, even when you've tried your best

• No one can be trusted. 

• You can't even trust your own feelings – just look where they got you.

• People change their minds about you and there's nothing you can do about it.

• There is always the chance that your partner will find someone "better" than you...and act on it. Because good people cheat, too.

• Your partner can say one thing but be feeling something completely different. You cannot force people to be honest with you.

• Love does not "conquer all". There is no such thing as "soul mates". Sorry John Lennon, but love is NOT all you need. Nice girls DO finish last. And being in a relationship is just a disaster waiting to happen because people are bound to disappoint you. So why bother?

• Loving someone won't make them love you back.

• No matter how much you care for a person, they may never care half as much about you.

If you haven't already jumped over a bridge in despair after reading all of that, I'll admit that I learned some empowering, beautiful, and positive lessons from my breakup with D, too.

But the Big Bad Love Lessons are the ones that cling to me and keep me down. They keep my heart in a cage. They were the ice cubes under my cold feet. They were the baggage I carried when I met my husband Brian over 5 years ago.

So I've come up with a theory. My theory is that for those of us who have been through hell and back (which is pretty much everyone with a heartbeat), you marry the person who gives you hope that those scary and nasty Big Bad Love Lessons you've picked up from your Big Bad Ex aren't necessarily true. Your partner/ spouse is your little mustard seed of faith, your shimmering silver lining.

I've mentioned in a previous post that the first word that comes to mind when I think of Brian is reliable. I know – it's not a very endearing or interesting adjective. And for a fun-loving goofball animator, it definitely doesn't do his sense of humor or creativity any justice. But when I met him at age 25, I was steps away from the edge of an emotional cliff, and the one thing I needed in my life was to know that:

While everything changes and comes to an end, some people can be counted on most of the time. And when you think about it, that's all you can ask for. These people are the most reliable when they're great communicators- that way when they're having trouble being reliable, they're brave enough to admit it and ask for help.

Lucky for me these people do exist in human male heterosexual form. It's hardly a romantic idea, but this is precisely what I needed to keep me from giving up hope on love. And this is what Brian, along with many other things, has to offer.

I know that our marriage and love will evolve over time. I know that on some days we will want to jump ship, abort mission, and be free from each another. Those feelings are part of life. But thankfully the one thing we do really well is effectively communicate our asses off. We talk about big feelings, scary feelings, and shameful feelings. And while I can't rely on Brian to always find me attractive, or always like me, or always want to put up with my baggage, or never ever mess up and cheat on me, I can at least count on him to always be in communication with me. I can count on him to stick around and put up a good fight instead of automatically running away into the arms of someone to whom he doesn't owe any honesty or bravery. Fighting the good fight in the name of your marriage is what it means to be an *emotionally reliable* spouse.

Had I not met D my priority would not have been to find someone emotionally reliable; I would have been focusing more on being with a smart, sensitive, cultured, and hilarious playwright, like D, who may not be emotionally reliable but at least he was impressive as hell and perfect on paper.

But after having loved and lost, I now want good old meat-and-potatoes Brian. He might not be perfect on paper, but he is my house made of brick. He is my safe haven. He is the family I've chosen for myself -- the imperfect, messy, fun, and always-there-waiting-for-me-no-matter-how-far-I-roam house on a hill.

So back to my theory. What Big Bad Love Lessons did YOU learn from your ex? And how does your current partner or spouse bury those darn things in the ground? How has your criteria for a husband or wife been influenced by the Major Adult Heartache of your life?


Image by Starry Eyed Kid

#88: Marriage according to Sesame Street

Hot damn, this cute:

#86: An interior designer who can help your marriage

                                               Look, it's David Bromstad!
Who knew that an interior designer on HGTV could get me to reflect on the state of my marriage? And maybe he can get you to do the same.

I was watching an episode of Color Splash when cutie pie designer David Bromstad (in an attempt to get a feel for the needs and tastes of his clients-- a married couple seeking to give their bedroom a makeover), asked the following 2 questions:

• If you had to describe your spouse in one word, what would it be?
• If you had to describe your marriage in one word, what would it be?

I found the couple's answers to be fascinating and very telling of their personalities, needs, and expectations within the marriage:

Wife: Described husband as "sexy" and their marriage as "exciting". 
Husband: Described wife as "adorable" and their marriage as "perfect".

Now...my psychotherapy background got me all pumped about analyzing that bit of information. (I won't go into it right now, but let's just say there's *a lot* to be said about their answers.)

But the more important thing is that David Bromstad's set of questions can lead to great insight and understanding into any couple's marriage.

So my hubby and I answered the same set of questions. We tried to share the first thing that came to mind in order to access our uncensored gut feelings.

Brian: Described me as "cute" (after he said "brown" just to be funny), and described our marriage as "honest" (after saying "exquisite" just to get on my nerves).
Me: Described Brian as "reliable" and our marriage as "fun".

Below is a very general way to interpret and analyze a couple's answers. You could say that I created these guidelines based on how I interpreted our own results...or you could say I pulled these out of my "cute, brown, exquisite" ass. Decide for yourself:

• The word used to describe your partner (if the adjective is a complimentary one), could be what you find most attractive about the person. What you find most attractive is based on the emotional needs that you developed throughout your interpersonal history with others. It's important to know which specific emotional needs your partner satisfies because you'll always be longing for them. Be realistic and reasonable in terms of how much your spouse can satisfy these life-long emotional needs.

• The way you describe your marriage (if the adjective is a complimentary one), is probably what works remarkably well for you within the relationship. It's what you need in order to feel loved, fulfilled, and engaged. If this aspect of your marriage were to diminish over time, you would feel a great sense of loss and discomfort. So be prepared for a lifetime of maintaining the qualities in your marriage that you like best, especially as your relationship evolves. It's possible that you will have to adjust your approach and expectations over time.

Now your turn. Go home and do the same exercise with your partner. If you feel like sharing, come back and post your answers. How did you interpret your results?


Photo credit 

#79: On Feeling "Home"

When I was enrolled in a bereavement counseling class in grad school, my professor asked us how a semester's worth of discussion about death had changed our attitude toward it. My answer: it hadn't.

At that point in my  life I was satisfied with my accomplishments. My relationships were solid. I had loved as much as I could. I felt that if I'd died right then and there I would be at peace knowing that I had lived a wonderfully full life.

But a year later, here I am with a ring on my finger. I'm someone's wife. And my answer to my professor's question has changed.

There's something about being married that makes me dwell on the sweetness of ordinary life and fear the inevitability of its end. Even more so than before I feel like I have everything in the world that I could ever need- and therefore, I have everything to lose.  

I see a lifetime of love before me, a kind that I have not yet given or received. I see a yellow brick road that will lead me through some scary and delightful and crazy adventures until I discover that "home" is the relationship between Brian and me, and that I don't ever want to be away from it.

So today as all of us here in the U.S. celebrate Labor Day (Brian and I are doing so by moving into our newly renovated apartment - yay for feeling all grown up with our fresh paint and crown molding!), let us all remember that life is not yesterday's mistakes or tomorrow's accomplishments - life is today's relationships. Life is today's backyard BBQ, today's day at the beach with friends, today's niece's and nephews swarming you for attention, and tonight's warm bed with you and your special dude/ dudette.

Life is about finding "home" and fully being in it.

And if you want a weep-worthy visual experience of what I'm feeling today, here ya go:


Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

#59: The Diarrhea Dilemma: Reflections on Wifedom

               Photo taken a few blocks from our totally fab San Francisco honeymoon resort

I'm borrowing from a John Mayer lyric when I say that our wedding and honeymoon were a "beautiful disasterpiece".

Since my head is still spinning from the marvelous mayhem of the past 2 weeks, I'd like to keep my message simple here on my first day back on the blog since our wedding:

I HEART being married.

I really do. And when the whirlwind wedding day died down and Brian and I found refuge and rest in each other at our hotel later that night, I realized this even more. It kind of makes my cold feet seem like a laughable little speck in the rear view mirror.

But the culminating moment of our wedding adventure happened during the honeymoon by way of a little incident I'll call the diarrhea dilemma:

At the start of our highly anticipated driving tour through the famed Redwood Forest in Northern California, I had a strong and sudden diarrhea feeling in my tummy as I drove our little rental car. Driving, screaming, cursing, and pinching my butt cheeks together, I pulled over at a little market made of logs on the side of the road, begging Brian to inquire about a bathroom.

Dutifully, Brian entered the market which had a "Sorry, there are no public restrooms here" sign on the door. He probably said something like, "Excuse me ma'am, I know you have a policy about your bathroom but my wife is in the car and she has an emergency."

And one minute later I found myself in a log cabin releasing some logs of my own. (Eww! But true.) All because my HUSBAND made a case for his WIFE.

And that's what $10,000, a year of wedding planning, a marriage license, and a timeshare in San Francisco have to offer. 

At the core of wedding madness is the promise that two people will experience the thrill of being family to one another in a lifetime of imperfection, curve balls, and sudden onsets of diarrhea.

Brian and I are each others shade and shelter. We are each others pain in the butt. We are freed and bound by our love. We are husband and wife.

#52: The "All we talk about is the wedding" Trap

Every weeknight I pick up my fiance from the train station after a long day of work. The car ride home is all business: I tell him that the J. Crew 3-piece suit he wants isn't available for online purchase; I remind him which down payments are due the following week; and I ask him things like "Do you want the piggy cupcakes to have marshmallow or fondant eyes? The caterer needs to know."

But being engaged is not just about wedding to-do lists. LIFE is not about to-do lists.

One thing I'm trying to get better at is staying focused on my relationship with my fiance as opposed to my relationship with the wedding. It's very easy for me to obsess over the fun details and the logistical drama of the event, then go to bed and realize that Brian and I had not spent any quality time together. 

Once in a while Brian will jokingly (well, half-jokingly) ask, "Do you hate me?". And when I nonchalantly answer "no" before turning on my laptop to update our wedding to-do list, he says, "Oh, okay. Good bye. See you never." (This is our standard way of saying Hey, look at me! I need more attention!) And that's when I know to shut off the part of my brain that loves the wedding prep stuff, and instead, pay more attention to that cute boy on the couch who is willingly signing up to be my roommate for life.

So. To avoid the "All we ever talk about is the wedding" trap, consider reflecting on the following questions with your partner:

• What percentage of the time do you and your fiance discuss wedding-related stuff when you are together?
• Who usually initiates conversations about the wedding? How does the other person *emotionally* respond? (Does he or she act excited? Reluctant? Uninterested? Stressed? Giddy?)
• How has your relationship changed since getting engaged?
• Are you satisfied with the amount and type of quality time you currently spend together?
• What fun activities haven't you done since you got engaged?

Having said all this, engagement can't all be fun and games. Let's be real - certain things need to get done in preparation for the wedding. So on those weekends during which a major wedding task must be completed, I suggest balancing work with pleasure by making a day out of it: 

Start early and have breakfast together (Hooray for IHOP's giant slabs of french toast!), go do your wedding task (register for gifts, visit possible venues, etc.), and then plan for a fun or relaxing activity to enjoy when the work is done (put on matching exercise outfits and go for a power walk in the mall. Or whatever.).

When you're planning your wedding, don't forget what the whole sha-bang is for: it's a celebration of your relationship. So don't leave the relationship part out of the planning!


And remember: engagement is like the part in a roller coaster ride when you're slowly creeping up a steep incline. You know- the one that comes just before the heart-pounding drop. It is a time of thrilling anticipation. It is an opportunity to fully experience the holy-crap-I'm-excited-and-scared-and-emotionally-hyperventilating-and-dear-God-I-LOVE-this-person feeling that comes on the eve of marriage. And you feel it, breathe it, and take it all in alongside your partner. It will be the one and only time in your life when you two are on this particular roller coaster. So enjoy it. Together.

#28: Protocol for handling MARITAL INFIDELITY

Image from here

Every building has clear instructions for evacuation in case of fire. Every airplane flight begins with a demonstration of how to respond in case of emergency. Every country has a protocol for responding to natural disasters.

So why not have a game plan for when/ if you or your partner effs up on the vow of monogamy?

It's not a very pleasant thought, especially for those of us who are engaged and all bright-eyed and hopeful. BUT. If there's one thing I've learned about monogamy (from personal experience and the experience of...oh, human beings in general), it's that monogamy is hard as hell to pull off. More importantly, anyone is susceptible to slipping up because no person in the world has lived without ever having made a mistake. No, not even your wonderful fiance. And not even you. While it may be true that neither you or your partner have cheated in the past, it would be naive to be 100% certain that it won't happen in the future. Sorry.

So my fiance, Brian, and I have designed a protocol for handling marital infidelity. When we say our vows in 5 weeks, we intend for our union to be a permanent one, which means that there are no deal-breakers (unless abuse of spouse or children are involved). So...we've designed a "break in case of emergency" glass box; a game plan for when disaster strikes. We've also discussed the "preventative medicine" we must take in order to heighten our chances of success.

Image from here

What does this involve? Well, mostly heart-wrenching honesty. Brian and I talked about what forms of "harmless flirtation" piss us off, and what kinds of situations are just too risky ("Want to go grab a drink after work, just the two of us?" asks cute new secretary.) We agreed that if we ever had a major crush on someone we see regularly, that we would share this with one another so that secret crushes don't snowball and turn into secret affairs. We discussed whether or not a one-time drunken kiss is a form of cheating that's worth confessing...how a small mistake like that could lead to long-lasting psychological scarring for the victimized partner...and how such a humongous consequence does not match the relatively small crime. And finally, we discussed how we would respond if an affair had taken place. Our general plan* in case of infidelity:

• Immediate divorce: No

• Temporary separation: Possibly but not necessarily (many factors to consider here)

• Counseling/ Therapy (individual and/or marital): Hell yeah.

I am the keeper of many married couples' secrets. On more than one occasion a person very near and dear to my heart has shared that their partner has cheated, that they themselves have had an affair, or that they had been "the other woman". Please note: these people are very close to me and I love them. They are not a bunch of low-life cheaters on the prowl, succumbing to every vice under the sun. On the contrary, I tend to roll with folks who are like me -- educated, hard-working professionals who are very close with their circle of family and friends, and are generally traditional in their values yet open-minded.  They are real people with big hearts who have effed up (or been effed over) at some point in their lives.

So all of this to say that having a protocol for handling disaster is not only for walking screw-ups with a history of cheating. And a protocol for handling marital infidelity is not a permission slip to make out with that cute co-worker during happy hour just because you and your partner have a back-up plan. A protocol is simply a smart thing to have...and, I will argue, a loving thing to have. Why? Because if you truly want to protect your relationship, you'll do anything to prepare for the realities of married life. You'll muster all of your courage to have those uncomfortable yet necessary conversations. You'll be brave enough to acknowledge marriage as it is, and not just hope for how you think it should be.

So go home, talk to your partner, and design a protocol of your own. Be brave in the name of love.

*OUR plan is not YOUR plan. This works for us based on our values and attitudes toward marriage. 

#12: The Big Picture (Warning: Kleenex recommended)

 "QT" = quality time. It usually involves liquor (for fiance, Brian), chocolate (for me), popcorn (for both of us), and the magical goodness of TiVo. Here's what happened during last night's QT session:

Me: I counsel all of these people whose husbands or wives have died. And they never say that they miss that great vacation to Hawaii with their spouse or anything-- they say they miss weeknights when they would hang out and watch TV together. And they say it's not the same watching TV alone. So I was just thinking that one day we won't have moments like this. You'll be alive and alone, or I'll be alive and alone. [Tears roll down my cheeks.] And you know what? This morning when you were angry about your job and I was depressed about everything...none of that even matters.

Him: I know. [Wipes my tears with his hand.]

#11: The "no good" list

A few moments ago fiance asked why I had not bothered to clean the cat box in the past few weeks, leaving him to scoop the poop nearly every night.

Me: I keep forgetting.
Him: If I were gone for a week would you just forget to change our kids' diapers? 
Me: (no answer)
Him: Or would you forget to feed them?
Me: (no answer)

And suddenly the following list pops up in my mind:

I'm just no good at...

• follow-through
• consistency
• keeping my word
• discipline
• schedules
• remembering

And then, with eyes already closed, fiance crawls under the covers and says in a groggy mumble: "But I don't hate you."

Know why he said this? Because he knows that the more strongly I feel a difficult emotion, the quieter I get. (Yup, introvert here.) And so he knew that in my silence I secretly felt hated. But not by him-- by myself.

In 75 days I am going to be somebody's flighty, moody, sensitive, fickle, coach potato, head-in-the-clouds wife. It's frightening and depressing to know that I will (on some days) be a disappointment to him. It only highlights the simplicity of the single life-- a time when I could keep my worst flaws somewhat tucked away, on a leash, and under control. I don't think any person (not my mother or my best friends) has ever had hand-to-hand combat with my flaws quite like my partner has.

But there's no turning back now. I've already signed up for the vulnerability and no-holds-barred kind of relationship that marriage is. So Brian, brace yourself--because there's no telling what ugly junk will surface from now until our golden anniversary.