Becca & Tim's Wonderful Welly Wedding

I'm baaaack! I just wanted to check in and feature another fabulous and fun wedding for those who are in need of a little inspiration. What I love about the couple featured in today's interview is that while they are serious about their values (as evident in their wedding-related choices), they don't take themselves too seriously. (The bridal party wore wellies. 'Nuff said.) Introducing Becca and Tim's creative and fun Welly Wedding...

I got married to my amazing husband Tim on the 14th August. We got married in Cirencester, which in Gloustershire in the UK. The venue is an organic farm, so about 95% of everything we ate drank, sat on or looked at was sourced entirely ethically, organically and mostly right there on the farm! (www.theorganicfarmshop.co.uk)

Tim and I met on a free Christian dating site, (www.fusion101.com) and, after our first date lasted 3 days and despite living almost four hours apart, we got engaged four months later! Tim described himself on his profile as a 'tea drinking hippie' so when we started thinking about weddings I imagined him feeling most content in a field with a cup of tea in his hand, and laughing, a lot.

 

We did NOT want a traditional wedding- we tried to avoid as many boring and unnecessary parts as we could. For a start, I bought some vintage style wallpaper and handmade as much as possible. The invitations were this amazing paper in a triangle sewed with blue raffia that opened into a square with the details on. The place cards and napkins matched, and I handmade all the bouquets in the same paper. The other flowers on the tables were picked that morning on the farm. We decorated the room the day before the wedding with swags of white organza, fairy lights and masses of ivy, all of which I bought second hand on ebay.

We did away with a wedding cake altogether, and instead asked for a big tower of organic apples that everyone could take away with them! We took my laptop and made our own playlist for the evening, and some of our friends kindly bought their lights and instruments to play for us as well. During the food, we played music from our favourite sci fi films and tv programmes in the background which provided some interesting conversations! We also put some brain teaser questions into each wine glass to keep the conversation moving. No cars, favours or anything else either, and we even asked guests to bring their invitations with them and made a clothes line so they could write their messages and then peg them up!! 

Although we kept the dress code simple- we hired no suits and my two bridesmaids chose their own, unmatching dresses, one thing I did NOT go second hand on was my outfit. My dress was from Dolly Couture, and my shoes from Irregular Choice, and my head wear from a shop on ebay!

Our day was full to the brim of laughter. Despite being 28 and 29, we are not serious people. Our 50 guests laughed all day. We added many surprises to the day, including welcoming the guests with tea and cakes, then taking them up to the stone circle ceremony site on the back of a tractor on a hay wagon. The cermony was amazing because it was written entirely by me!

Something we DID do was get married legally the previous day, so on the day we could use any words and get married BY whoever we wanted. (We had to do this because in the UK you are not allowed to get married outside at all, and you cannot have any religious content unless in a church). As it was, we included some lovely christian content, and some very 'us' extras, like honouring the wind by releasing balloons, fire by lighting candles with both our dads etc. AND best of all, one of my bestest and oldest friends performed the ceremony for us. OH, and everyone wore wellies, it was so fun!!

As Neil, the person leading, said 'you may now kiss the bride' the heavens opened and a long and loud thunder storm ensued!! We all were directed by the farmer to run to a small shed and our lovely photographer, Kay, (www.kayransom.com) (who was a tad bemused by us all day I think), took some funny and candid shots! By the time the tractor was able to rumble us back down to the farm, we were ready for more dry photo's, including some using a frame which was soo effective, and then a lovely buffet, speeches, and dancing, then off we all went in our car we didn't hire to live happily ever after.

Oh, and our budget was £5,000. And none of our friends will ever forget it I bet!! 

Brooke & Grant's Young Love Wedding (And Brave Bride's poster child of the month!)

As promised in my last post, today's wedding is one that I'm featuring simply because I'm a fan of the bride and her blog, Playing Grown Up. (Fun fact: I stumbled upon her site back when I Googled "Grown Up Blog". At the time, I knew I was going to call my personal blog "How To Be A Grown-Up", and I wanted to see if anyone else had a similarly titled spot in the blogosphere. That's when I stumbled upon today's bride Brooke, her adorably sweet, fun, and wise little blog, as well as her darling etsy shop, which has some great homemade wedding goodies.)

Because the wedding world feels awfully judgmental at times, today's wedding is my poster child for the following message: A wedding is not about making a statement. (Um...even though I'm making a statement by posting this type of wedding today. Ahem.) ANYWAYZ...a wedding is about celebrating a major transition, a big love, and the start of an incredible journey. It's a party, people. And it's about keeping your opinions about style, the age of the marrying couple (today's couple were criticized for this issue), budget, and etiquette to yourself...because your only role in someone's wedding is to witness the incredible miracle happening in the lives of two good people. So in the name of non-judgment, I hope you'll join me in giving today's wedding a round of applause, simply because they are a great couple who deserves happiness. Mmm, k? :)

When Grant and I told people we were engaged we got one of two reactions. If people knew us well, they were so happy for us and not at all surprised - we had been dating since we were 15 and 16. On the other hand, people we didn't know that well always had the same reaction: "You're not old enough to get married!"

 We got engaged during my freshmen year of college and were married the summer after my first year and Grant's second year of college. So, in those critical people's defense, we were very, very young! Grant and I had been dating for four years when we got engaged, so with us, there were no doubts. However, we soon noticed that other people (usually older people we didn't even know) had such cynical, negative views of marriage. It really was very disheartening. Even the man at the post office when we went to mail out out invitations said, "Don't do it. You're too young." Whoa! Can you believe how cynical? Poor guy.

But that's part of being a brave bride. Doing what you know is right and perfect for you and your love no matter what others might say. We just tried to encourage those people who obviously had some negative views of marriage for some reason. And now that we're married, we can show how great marriage can be by real live example!

Now that we've been married for five years, we always encourage other young couples, but we also try to present them with all the practical stuff as well (health insurance, budgeting, families, etc.) We want other couples to have all the blessing and happiness we've had since we've been married!

Getting married that young, I had no choice but to be a brave bride! I think because none of my friends had gotten married yet, I had no preconceived notions about how anything at my wedding was supposed to be. So, I tried to plan and do everything with as much fun in mind as possible. We just wanted our wedding to be a big fun party with all our friends and family. (I even had my bachelorette party at one of those places where you can jump on all those blow-up slides. So fun!) From the big ole' polka dotted cake to the fun jazz band, we didn't worry about what anybody would think - we just knew everyone would have fun!

I really have no regrets about the wedding, but my advice to brides is always to have fun and don't take the day too seriously. I don't mean that in the way it sounds - I mean, it really is the most important decision of your life and should be taken very seriously. But what I mean is - if the flowers are out of whack, or the ribbons clash, or even if the cake slides off layer by layer onto the floor (God forbid!) you will get to go home being the new wife of your love - and that's what all this bride hullabaloo is all about!

Amy & Marcus' Fun Canadian BBQ Wedding

A few years ago I thought about moving to Canada. And maybe I should have. Because perhaps I would have met today's couple, Amy and Marcus, and scored a spot on their wedding guest list. Yup, that's how badly I wanted to attend this fun, festive, and joyful wedding! I mean, the bride wore yellow sunglasses and served pulled pork sandwiches- what more could you want? Check out this wedding to experience all the fun for yourself, while also getting some budget-friendly ideas to make your day memorable yet simple, and focused on LOVE. Take it away, Amy...

I grew up on a farm in a small town in Nova Scotia, Canada, and over the course of my life, my home and the land on which it stood held many valuable experiences and memories. For that reason, and its evident natural beauty, on top of our hill seemed like the most obvious place to hold our celebration.

And that’s exactly what we wanted from our wedding – a celebration that truly reflected who we are and our love for each other. We wanted the day to echo our happiness, and we wanted our guests to have fun and enjoy the moment with us.

We figured out what was important to us and that’s where we spent the majority of our budget; for us, that was location, people and food. Since we wanted to have the wedding at my parent’s property, we were going to have to get a tent. There are definitely some benefits and challenges to going this route. There’s a lot of flexibility – different tent styles, sizes and lay outs. However, we also needed things to put inside the tent – chairs, tables, linens, dishes, glasses and cutlery, dance floor, lights – these things all cost extra. It’s easy to rack up the cost when it comes to filling the tent. So, we looked at what we thought were extra frills we could do without. We opted out of the chair covers, our caterer supplied the cutlery, and we used plastic cups.

We are very laid back and fun loving people, so that was the kind of environment we wanted to create. What goes better with a backyard wedding than a backyard BBQ! We found Blazin’ Barlow, who shows up with his ‘BBQ truck of wonders’ early that morning to prepare the feast. Throughout the evening people could go up to the trailer and get potato salad, baked beans, garlic cheese bread, slow roasted pulled pork sandwiches, gourmet hamburgers and hotdogs with a WIDE variety of toppings. Everyone still talks about those pulled pork sandwiches – amazing. The menu and atmosphere made it easy to pull off paper plates and plastic utensils.

We often joked that our wedding was more like a circus. We had a canoe full of ice and beer, popcorn machine, and candy bar (as our favors). To save time cutting the cake, we went with cute and delicious cupcakes, which offered us the option of multiple flavors. Our center pieces were decorated tin buckets holding a bottle of Yellow Tail bubbly, and laminated copies of an article written about our farm in Canadian Geographic. In what some may call a bold move, we had our twoonie bar (all drinks were $2) open as soon as guests started to arrive, so that they could have a drink and mingle before the event got underway. When we were ready people lined up outside the chalk drawn aisle, gathered on the veranda, and felt free to move around and take pictures of the ceremony.

One thing I love – surprises! Most brides would probably say surprises on your wedding day are not really something you want. I went to a highly recommended local florist and told him how many bouquets and things we needed, and that I wanted them in yellow. After telling him some details of what we wanted our wedding to be like, I left the rest up to him. And on the day of the wedding, when a friend brought the flowers to my house, I really enjoyed the excitement of seeing them for the first time!

The guest list was definitely our biggest challenge. We decided early on that this was going to be our only wedding, and it was going to be a big one. But as our guest list climbed to 250, I began to wonder if we were out of control. In the end, we agreed, we wanted who we wanted there. And I accepted the fact that there will always be people you should have invited, or wish you could have.

Both Marcus and I are only children, and so friends mean a lot to us – which is probably why we had a decent size wedding party of ten. I wanted to buy the dresses for my bridesmaids, something they could wear again – a little black dress! J.Crew has a great wedding selection, and I got an amazing deal on their sales page for all of the girls’ dresses.

I can’t recommend online wedding shopping enough! My entire wedding attire was purchased online. I tried on a bunch of dresses around here, and all of them were beautiful – everyone looks stunning in a long fancy wedding gown. But none of them really felt like me. I had always loved Audrey Hepburn’s wedding dress in “Funny Face” and thought it would be the perfect style to wear to my backyard wedding. One of my bridesmaids is an online shopping Queen, and knowing that I was in the market for something different, sent me the link to the website Dolly Couture. I had a wedding dress, designed just for me, to my exact measurements, and delivered to my door in two months, for $700 – AND I avoided all those fittings! A lot of people thought I was crazy, ordering a wedding dress online without trying it on– but like they say, I just knew! Oddly enough, I always vowed never to get a strapless wedding dress, but I thought the tea length and yellow petticoat set it apart enough that I felt ok to go with the popular (and flattering!) strapless style.

Really what I love is shoes, so I needed a dress that would really rock a pair of yellow peep toe wedges! (P.S. Wedges are key for a wedding on grassy terrain.) I still love to wear those shoes!

Marcus is a high school phys. Ed teacher and coach. One of the best things we did was hire a few girls from his basketball team of the previous year. They were so helpful: running to the house to get more ice and mix for the bartenders, managing the popcorn machine, moving the gifts inside, making sure there was always toilet paper in the port-a-potties! We figured we weren’t paying for this big party and
then be too busy to enjoy it! We also hired a local cab company to shuttle guests home after the festivities shut down for the night – well worth it to know our loved ones were safe.

At 4:30am, after the band had left and people had slowly began to make their way home, my new husband and I turned off the lights in the tent, and headed back to our family’s cabin in the woods to spend our wedding night. The night really did go by in a flash, but I embraced every second of the amazing experience, shared with friends and family. The best word I can use to describe my wedding is FUN – pure enjoyment. 

My parents told me later that they often just shook their head when I told them about some of my ideas, but they were amazed at how it all came together. The biggest piece of advice I can give to all the brides out there – make the day a celebration of your love. Don’t get caught up in what other people want, or what other people think. If you’re true to yourself and stay focused on what’s important – your marariage – everything else is just details. A lot of people commented on how calm and laid back I was, and I think that having my wedding at my home made everything feel so comfortable. It was the personal touches that meant the most; the wooden sign my dad painted “Happily Ever After” – like the ones we used to make that said “Christmas Trees For Sale”; riding off in the little John Deer Gator dragging pots and pans behind it; and getting our wedding pictures taken in front of the barn I used to play in as a kid. It was simple but classy, large but intimate, and one hell of a good time!

#113: Brave Wedding: Jenna & Brendan's Cross Continent Challenge

You guys. You MUST read this brave wedding. Seriously. There's too much good stuff in this one for me to summarize, but I'll give you the short version of my reaction, organized by paragraph:
Paragraph #2: Oh snap!
                        #4: So jealous.
                        #7: Creativity and compromise can solve all the world's 
                         problems.
                       #8: OMG, I love this woman!
                       The last 10 paragraphs: I could resign and give 
                       complete control of Brave Bride to Jenna.
This wedding is kind of dear to me, too, because Jenna was one of my very first readers and regular commenters. She's gutsy, her wedding dress is simultaneously beautiful and bad-ass, she planned her wedding from another continent (I know, can you imagine?), she's a natural leader, her hair and jewelry literally make my heart race, and her wedding was probably the most tastefully done cultural blend of aesthetics this Asian-American girl has ever seen. It's a wedding that was beautiful both inside out - visually stunning AND executed with integrity. If I could have a marching band, fireworks, and clowns on stilts to accompany this introduction, I would. But I'll just have to settle for: Ladies and gentleman, I give you Jenna...

In what ways were you a brave bride? 

I could talk about how it was brave to stand up to family and tell them that I would be wearing fuchsia (well, a purpley-red color that is fuchsia in direct light anyhow), or that I was brave to serve tandoori chicken in the buffet, or brave to call my sister the "Ninja of Honor" in the program or refuse to get married in a church...but really, while those took cojones in terms of telling my family how it was going to be, in the long run I don't think they are half as brave as some of the ways in which we tackled the "time to be a grown-up" part of our wedding and the planning of it.  


I would say in deciding to jump in and plan a full-on wedding with 100 guests was brave in and of itself for two reasons.  The first being that in my social circle, "just elope" and "big weddings are unnecessary" and "why get married at all?" and "don't get married until everyone can" are the accepted norms, and having a wedding that looks even slightly like an actual "wedding" (fuchsia dress or no) took some balls.  I found myself defending how much we were spending - not that I told anyone outright, but it wasn't hard to guess - and why we weren't spending that money on something "sensible" like a downpayment on a house.  It takes a lot of balls to tell people that you don't want a house right now; you'd rather have the memories of a really great party with all your loves ones.  People don't always believe you or agree with you.  There's a venomous anti-wedding culture growing in Western countries and it takes a lot to justify your choices when attacked from that side.

The second is that we planned this wedding from literally ten thousand miles away - we live in Taipei, Taiwan and got married near my hometown in Poughkeepsie, NY.  The extra planning this entailed, while we were both working full time, was a test of our managerial and organizational skills.

It took a lot of inner courage to woman up and take control of things even from so far away - it is entirely too easy to fall into the "everyone else is controlling this thing" trap even if you live locally; living abroad makes it that much harder.  Only in the last few years - my late twenties - have I begun to realize the full extent of my management skills, and I had to put them to the test in a big way.  I treated wedding party decisions the way a senior manager would ("what is a plan that fits our vision and also keeps everyone happy?", "How can I tell my family that things are going to be done our way without launching into a tirade or temper tantrum?", "How can I make it clear that Brendan and I are the ones in control despite the distance?" and finally "How can I keep everyone on the same page, doing what needs to be done, without flooding inboxes with unnecessary information, coming across as a tin pot dictator, or constantly nagging others for updates?") and in the end, it not only worked out beautifully but it was a huge shot of self-confidence that I *did* it.  

At one point my mother said, while on the phone with a relative, "Just ask Jenna - she's the CEO of this whole deal" and the Reverend quipped, at the rehearsal (something he, as an officiant, is used to running while the couple looks on bewildered) that "you are so efficient...you say 'OK, then this happens' and people actually do it!").  Before the rehearsal dinner, with 50 people milling around a hotel lobby, I used my Presentation Voice to organize rides and get everyone going.  Atypical for my family, at the "let's go!" signal, they actually went.  No small feat:  getting my family to do anything is like herding cats.  It was a great feeling to be in charge of that many people and do a good job of things. 


What was the most emotionally challenging part about wedding planning OR getting married? How did you respond? What big lesson(s) did you learn as a result of this challenge?

I would say that most of the wedding presented no major emotional challenges - challenges to leadership skills, sure, but emotionally it was a surprisingly easy ride.  I should note one big thing:  we are secular.  We're not hardcore atheists but we're definitely not "religious".  We did, however, have a religious officiant.  He is the minister of the church I attended as a child, which my parents still attend. He is liberal, progressive and feminist.  It was hard, emotionally and intellectually, for me to give up the idea of a secular wedding ceremony for a ceremony laden with references to a God I am not sure I believe in (having him perform a secular ceremony was not an option).  My husband is more laid-back about such things and was fine either way, so the issue was mine alone.  In the end, we agreed that it was better that we have an officiant that at least one of us knows, even if he is a clergyman, than to have a secular officiant who would have been a stranger.  

We crafted a compromise I was happy with:  the music was secular, the wedding was in a garden, not a church, and the readings were secular.   The ceremony was religious but ended with a secular benediction - a poem by Rumi ("May it be sweet as milk, this marriage, like wine and halvah...").  It was a 'marriage' - pardon the pun - of an officiant I know and respect and our more secular beliefs.

Another challenge was admitting to my inner self, as well as others, that the wedding was not actually an earth-moving moment or a sacred solemnization of vows for us.  I won't speak for my husband here, but my "solemn vow to commit to Brendan for as long as we both shall live" was not taken on my wedding day.  I made that vow long before we ever got engaged.  I can't say exactly when it happened, but there was a point in our relationship when my heart signed on for good, and that is the moment that, if I could identify it, I would mark as my true "wedding day".  As a secular person, there was nothing sacred about the ceremony itself for me:  it was making legal a truth that had already begun to exist.  Making something legal is great, but it's not momentous.  That's why, honestly, I view our wedding as a 'party to celebrate a marriage' rather than a solemn exchange of vows.  I made those vows already.  Was that party worth it, though?  Absolutely!

Finally, there were a lot of challenges in trying to craft an "international" wedding that paid homage to our life in Asia as well as our travels and experiences across the world while getting pushback from relatives about how we are culturally American, so we should do things the way they are done in the USA.  Just as much as the guest list fights taught me to let go a little, this taught me to stand up for what we wanted and draw a line as to how much criticism we're willing to listen to.  Cultural borrowing is a fine line and a contentious one at that - it's hard to defend one's choices vis-a-vis what's OK to borrow from other cultures and what should be left alone.  My line falls somewhere along "if it's aesthetic or deals with the organization of the festivities it's fine, but if it's religious or deeply symbolic it's off-limits".  It took a lot of rumination to come to that position, and I think I learned a lot as a result.

What would you have done differently?

I would have chosen an easier buffet menu, sourced less expensive plate/cutlery rentals, and not tried to control the dance music so much.  Our total control of the cocktail and dinner playlist went fine (our DJ was great about just playing music we wanted) but the dancing party of the night didn't go as planned - turns out people don't want to dance to music they don't know, as catchy as it is.  

I also would have let things go on the guestlist a little bit more to avoid all the fights I had with my family about who "had" to be invited - this is one place in which I could have bent a little and I wish I had.

I might have organized the reception a bit more - we went for an "it's not a wedding, it's a party to celebrate a marriage!" format, meaning none of the usual wedding rituals except for toasts.  We did toasts "whenever" - meaning basically when we felt like it, which happened to be at dessert.  It worked beautifully, except that one of my grandmothers missed the toasts as she left after dinner.  I would have organized it so that she was able to hear the toasts.

Otherwise, I think we did everything more or less just right!

The lesson here is - step up and take that CEO and Executive Decision Maker role in things, but know just as well when to let things go and accept that you can't control everything.

What advice would you give to engaged couples?

Don't be afraid to admit that you want a *wedding*, not a downpayment on a house, a new car or any of the other "sensible" things people will tell you that you should be spending your money on.  It's your money - you can do what you want with it.  You can tell them to back off.  It's perfectly OK to tell others to mind their own business if they get all up your butt about how you are spending your money.

Don't feel like you have to justify all of your choices - if people question your decision to have a secular officiant (if your social circle is religious) or a religious one (if you hang with a more humanist crowd), or have a go at you over whatever you choose to spend, what color you choose to wear, how you choose to run things, who you choose to invite, know when to draw a line and make it clear that the decision is yours as a couple. 

Own your decisions - if you want to spend $X on flowers or whatever, then don't be ashamed of your choice.  Don't hide behind excuses.  If you feel you can't own your decisions, maybe you need to re-evaluate your decisions.  

Don't worry about the small things, and don't think you have to do certain things just because that's what's done:  I suggest the following instead.  Are you happy with what you are planning?  Are you appropriately thanking people and not taking advantage of others?  Are you acting politely and with good etiquette - not as in "where should this fork be placed" but as in "you do know that it's rude to ask for gifts on the invitation, right"?  Did you make arrangements so everyone would be comfortable re: the right amount of food at the time of day you are holding a reception (if you choose to have one), weather and temperature, comfort for elderly, ailing and disabled guests and guests with children?  Did you avoid silly requests ("All guests are requested to wear X colors to match the decor" etc.)?  Are you staying true to what you want and staying in your budget? Are you hosting a wedding you can afford, not the wedding you want at a price tag you can't make good on?  Did you send out thank you notes?  If so, all the other stuff is irrelevant.  Attendant attire, dress, cake, first dance, garter tossing, alcohol, flowers...all if it icing on the overpriced cake.  With that stuff, do what you want.  "Tradition" here is thoroughly meaningless unless it has meaning to *you*.

Remember that your fiance is just as much a part of things as you are - ask his opinion, discuss what he will do, tell him when you are drowning in checklists, and most importantly, if his family is giving you issues, remember that it is his job, not yours, to act as a liaison and communicate with them.

Don't be afraid to appoint yourself co-CEO of the festivities (with your intended) - there is no such thing as a Bridezilla (a truly horrific bride to be was probably not a great person before she got engaged).  I wrote an article about this for Offbeat Bride, and I stand by those words.  If people try to bash you for being "controlling", remind them whose party it is - this is assuming, of course, that you are not actually over-controlling.  I believe that readers of Brave Bride would not fall into that camp! 

Regarding vows and toasts - bone up on public speaking and presentation skills.  Take a class if you can.  There are tons of wikis and websites if you can't take a class.  This will help you not only at your wedding but in the future.

And enjoy it!  If you're not having fun, something is wrong.  If you can't afford it, something is wrong.  If it doesn't reflect who you are as a couple or feel right to you, something is wrong.  

If, on the day of the wedding, people come up to you complaining, asking for something to be done, or otherwise insisting that plans be changed, you are within your rights to tell them to stuff it.  It's OK to say "dude, this is how it is.  DEAL."  It's OK to say no.  It's OK to refuse to drop everything and run to everyone else's aid.  You don't necessarily need a day-of coordinator (though they can be a big help), but you do need to be able to say "no, we are not going to do that" and "this is how it's gonna be - deal with it."  You'd be surprised how people respond to statements like that if made in an authoritative, confident voice.  They may not like it but they will respect, and maybe even grudgingly admire it.

Finally, don't be afraid to be honest.  Have tact, of course, and know when to just not mention certain things (does Aunt Millie really need to know that you're planning on purple tablecloths?) but on the big issues, just say it like it is.  

Watermaked photography: Keira Lemonis @ http://www.keiralemonisphotography.com

Other photogrpahy: Donna Renjilian and Jocelyn Casser

BG Entertainment @ http://www.djbgentertainment.com

Bridge Creek Catering @ http://www.bridgecreekcatering.com

#111: Plus Size Balls: An honest account of plus size wedding dress shopping

For me, shopping for jeans that fit my vertically petite (but NOT horizontally petite) frame is torture enough. So I imagine that for those who struggle to any degree with body image issues (dare I say most of us?), shopping for a wedding dress -- the one garment in a woman's life that is forced to carry the weight of the world on its beaded straps -- is a complex experience to say the least.  So today I'm honored to present my interview with Steph (she of this wedding and sooo many wonderfully supportive comments throughout this blog), who has bravely offered to share an honest account of her wedding dress shopping experience as a plus size bride. 

PS. Any woman who (1) can put up with my nosy interview questions and (2) can talk candidly about her body image concerns CLEARLY has plus size balls and a plus size heart. And so I think Steph deserves some plus size LOVE in the comments, yes? Leave a comment about YOUR personal experiences with body image & wedding dress shopping down below.  And now, my friend, Steph...

What were your concerns before beginning the wedding dress shopping process?

I had two main concerns. First (and probably most importantly), could I find a dress in my size that would make me feel beautiful, confident and sexy? Second, if such a dress did exist, would it be at a price I could afford ? I think these are concerns that affect most brides, plus size or not. However, I personally felt that this would be a more difficult challenge for me specifically because of my size.

What wedding dress shopping challenges are specific to plus size brides that smaller size brides might not be aware of? 

For me and I’m guessing for many other plus sized women, clothing shopping in general can be a frustrating and emotionally draining experience. When I try on clothes, it is often a painful reminder of the difference between how I want my body to look, how I feel it “should” look vs. how it does look. There are less clothing options available to me in terms of style and shape as a plus size woman, and it is harder to find my size in a store. As a result my general mood when clothes shopping is anxious, frustrated, depressed.

This is troubling enough when shopping for regular clothes, but when finding a wedding dress, there is the added pressure of knowing this particular piece of clothing is what you will be wearing on one of the happiest days of your life. A day when you honor the love between you and your partner and make a commitment in front of all your friends and family to share your lives together. A day when, because of our bride-focused, wedding obsessed culture, 90% of the attention is on YOU. If finding regular clothes is frustrating as a plus sized woman, finding a wedding dress can be downright torture.

What surprised you during your dress hunt?

I was surprised that there were a lot of dress options out there in my size. Despite my initial concerns, I wound up feeling more relaxed and happy while wedding dress shopping than I do shopping for regular clothes.

In what ways did dress shopping affect your attitude toward your weight? (If at all.)

I can’t say that dress shopping itself affected my attitude toward my weight. While I felt relieved that there were dresses in my size that looked great on me, I still had the same issues and feelings toward my body. These issues and feelings were there long before there was a wedding in my future and remain in place now that I’m married. I don’t believe it’s something that can be fixed externally. I long for the day I feel fully comfortable in my own skin, no matter what my size. Some days I’m closer to that goal than others…

How did you feel about your weight on the day of your wedding?

I’m happy to say I felt beautiful, inside and out, on my wedding day. I surprised myself by losing a small amount of weight in the months before my wedding. However, I like to think I still would have felt beautiful on that special day even if I hadn’t lost a single pound. On that day It wasn’t just about how I looked (of course I wanted to, and did, look beautiful) but about how I felt (physically, mentally, emotionally) and who I was -- a happy woman surrounded by her friends and family, making a commitment to share my life with the man I love. Every bride deserves to feel that way on her wedding day!

What are your thoughts on brides trying to lose weight specifically for their wedding?

I always thought it was a silly thing to do. Though looking back I inadvertently wound up doing it.
We got married a little over a year after getting engaged. I remember thinking at the beginning of the wedding planning process “I could start now and a year from now I would be healthy and a heck of a lot thinner, just in time for my wedding.”

Those good intentions fell by the wayside and the next thing I knew it was six months til my wedding. I knew there was no way I could healthily lose all the weight in time for my wedding. At six months out I had to accept the fact that no matter what I would be a plus size bride. I had thoughts like “what happens if I wind up getting down to a healthier weight a year or two after the wedding and look at my wedding pictures and hate myself and how I looked on my wedding day?”

I also had my annual physical about 6 months before my wedding and the number on the scale scared me into action. Wedding or no wedding, I needed to find a way to get healthier. I started the Couch to 5k running program and discovered I’m not too fat to be a runner. My running routine kept me sane while trying to balance an incredibly stressful full time job with planning our wedding. A little bit of the weight started to come off in the months leading up to the wedding. Having the dress taken in during my fittings was fun and tangible proof of my success, and a motivator to keep going.
Unfortunately, as Dr. Phil says, “life is managed, not cured.” My running routine got lax after the wedding and in my first year and a half of marriage I’ve yo-yoed between my weight when I bought my wedding dress and my weight on my wedding day. I’m happy to say though that running still is a part of my life. I ran my first 5k on 4/19/10.

I didn’t set out to lose weight specifically for my wedding, but because I gained the weight back after the wedding it feels like I did.

I guess to summarize, my feelings on Wedding Dieting are it should be less about how you look and more about how you feel. If losing weight gives you more energy and makes you feel better about yourself, go for it. But if that really is the reason you’re doing it, then do your best to stick with it after the wedding too (trust me, I’m speaking to myself here too!)

What advice would you give to plus size brides currently shopping for a gown?

• Buy your gown for the size you are right now! It’s great to believe that you will lose weight before your wedding day. There’s a very good chance that you may, but there’s also a chance you might not, and then you’re stuck with a wedding gown that’s too small. It’s always easier to take fabric in than it is to let it out.

• Know your specific body “problem areas,” and target ways to work with them. I have a large chest and stomach and narrower legs. I wanted to wear something strapless or halter top and I wanted the illusion of a smaller waist, so I chose to purchase a corset specifically for my wedding.

• The right foundation garment is key! For me it was the corset, which gave my “girls” a lift and nipped in my stomach. Maybe for you it’s a comfy pair of Spanks and a strapless push up bra. Find the foundation pieces that work for you, and be sure to wear them in the fitting room when you try on your dress.

• Choose a dress shop that has lots of dresses in your size in stock. Few things are more depressing than walking into a store and having almost nothing in your size. This is the absolute last thing you need for your self-esteem and overall ambiance when shopping for your wedding gown. I went with David’s Bridal because I loved their selection and price, and because when I bought a bridesmaids dress there the size was the same as the actual clothing size I wore. (One of the few things that IS even more depressing is having to order a gown that is 2-3 sizes bigger than your clothing size because the dress runs small). I knew I wanted a David’s Bridal gown, so went there right away and skipped the boutique type stores. So unfortunately I don’t have any specific advice to offer plus sized women shopping in a smaller boutique.

• Bring your team of “go-to gals” with you. I brought my mom, my best friend (MOH) and my Aunt Debbie, whose body shape I inherited and whose sense of style I wish I’d inherited. She actually picked out my wedding dress in the store. I hated it on the rack but as soon as I tried it on I was in love. You want to surround yourself with people who are supportive and can offer good advice without being pushy and who will keep in mind what YOU want, need and are looking for. Having these people with you allows you a shoulder to lean on when you’re frustrated, and arms to hug you with joy when you’ve found THE DRESS!! 

Addendum:

     The day after I first emailed this interview to Kim at brave bride, I discovered that the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress now has a specific show for plus size brides called Say Yes to the Dress, Big Bliss. I was skeptical at first but as I watched I found the show to be very tastefully done. I teared up watching other women who look similar to me go through the ups and downs of finding their dream dress. At that magic moment when they found their IT dress, so many of the brides said the same thing 'I don't feel like a "plus size bride" in this dress, I feel like a BRIDE in this dress!' Though I hadn't said it quite like that, I realized I felt the same way when I found my wedding gown. 

     Every woman, from size 2 to 22 (and up), wants to look and feel like the best version herself on her wedding day. The good news is, you can be! There are plenty of gowns out there in every size that can help you look and feel your best on your wedding day. However, a pretty dress alone isn't enough. You have to decide to declare a truce with your body image. Woudln't it be great to be able to say on your wedding day (even if you are not the exact size or exact weight you want to be) "I am the best version of myself that I can possibly be at this moment in time." Figure out what you need to do to make that statement true and live it on your wedding day!

#103: Brave Wedding: Emma & James' Simple Brunch Wedding (And a few not-so-simple Life Questions)

Today's brave wedding features Emma & James, whose wedding taught me that sometimes planning a simple wedding isn't as simple as you'd expect. And as this couple discovered, sometimes having a simple wedding invites your loved ones to ask not-so-simple questions like, "Why are you marrying so young?" and "When are you having kids?". It seems that there's no getting around the fact that planning a party to celebrate something so powerful and life-changing as MARRIAGE is complex no matter how small your guest list or how simple the menu. Why? Because relationships and expectations are involved. Because joining forces with the one you love will inevitably bring you hardships you never wanted to endure. Because starting a family brings up the question of readiness for the brave balancing act of selfless giving and autonomy. And all of this is made tremendously complex (yet utterly beautiful) by the fact that you can no longer come to conclusions about Big Life Questions alone. You've got to work through all of it with your partner. And together, your convictions must have the strength to withstand the doubts and endless curiosity of others. Yup, complex indeed!

But. While planning a simple wedding is no easy feat, the day itself is really about one very simple thing: LOVE. Today's bride, Emma, writes, "I didn't cry when I was walking down the aisle, saying my vows or hearing my dad's toast. I did start to cry on the way home with James when I thought about how the people at our wedding were there because they loved us so much.  I think that's what a wedding should be, just a day full of love!" Amen, sister. And with that I give you Emma...

In what ways were you a brave bride?

While James and I were dating we had discussed what we wanted for our eventual wedding day.  We both have small families and knew we would prefer a small, intimate gathering.  I don't like large parties and the idea of the traditional dinner and dancing wedding did not appeal to us at all.  We decided a morning wedding with a brunch would be perfect.  I can't imagine if I had had to wait around all day to get married, I would have driven my family crazy I was so excited! 

 
I didn't follow the "normal" bride route with showers or a bachelorette party.  Instead my sisters, best friends and I spent a day at a spa treating ourselves to manicures and pedicures then had dinner and an old fashioned girls night.  It was perfect for me and I liked that we weren't focusing on me and 'the wedding' but on a day of having  fun and pampering ourselves. 

We decided we'd each have only one attendant, a best man and a maid of honor.  With such a small causal wedding, we wanted to keep it all small!  We didn't have toasts from the best man and maid of honor, instead only my dad made a toast.  His notes for it fit on a business card and it was perfect; short and sweet.  In it he mentioned how we had wanted an informal wedding and that meant a lot to me that my parents understood so well what we wanted our wedding day to be like and helped us to get just that.  

 It was important to both James and I that we get married in a church.  God has always been an important part of our lives and our relationship.  We got married in the church my family and I have been members of since our move to New Jersey in 2001.  My sister was married there in 2007 and my parents were the youth leaders there for a couple years 30 years ago.  We worked with my pastor to create a ceremony that stressed the importance of our commitment to one another and our relationship with God.  It was simple and perfect for us.

One problem we came up against was that because we were getting married in a church with a traditional service, it was expected that we have a traditional, formal wedding.  We didn't want it to be formal and didn't have ushers or parents processing.  I think this might have come across the wrong way to some people but James and I are not formal people and we don't like old  fashioned formality.  We like casual and we tried to get it! 

After writing out a guest list we ended up with just over 30 people.  We included our families and those who we consider to be family.  We went back and forth a few times worried about who we were not including and what we could do to include more people.  We knew we'd have the church open to anyone who wanted to be there for the ceremony and thought maybe we could have an hour afterwards where we could spend time with everyone.  We soon decided that wouldn't work for us.  We knew that if people love us they would be happy for us and not upset that they weren't there.  

When we knew the approximate size we thought we would run into a problem finding a reception site.  When my sister was planning her small wedding she left reception sites feeling like they would be shoving her in a back corner.  I didn't want our wedding to be shoved to a back room where I couldn't wear a gown if there was another wedding there the same day.  I also couldn't see myself having a reception in a fussy, frilly banquet hall.  We were lucky to find an absolutely beautiful reception site and everyone there was extremely accommodating from the beginning.  We had the entire place to ourselves, including the restaurant and both outside areas which allowed us to take pictures wherever we wanted.  The day of the wedding it was set up beautifully and it was just what I had envisioned.  

My dress was also not so traditional or "formal".  A friend had told me about Dolly Couture's short wedding dresses that she had come across on a wedding blog.  I fell in love with her dresses immediately and knew I wanted one.  I went dress shopping and tried on long dresses just to make sure I wouldn't change my mind about having a full length gown but I still couldn't get Dolly's dresses out of my mind.   With a short dress I  could show off my shoes!   People that know me know I have a thing for shoes and it just seemed right to show them off.  I'm so glad I went with what I loved as I received so many comments about how "me" the dress and shoes were. 

Overall I don't think James could have asked for a more perfect day.  It was exactly what we wanted; intimate and casual.  It was a day to celebrate the relationship James and I have had for six years and the many, many more years we have ahead of us.  I didn't cry when I was walking down the aisle, saying my vows or hearing my dad's toast. I did start to cry on the way home with James when I thought about how the people at our wedding were there because they loved us so much.  I think that's what a wedding should be, just a day full of love!

What was the most emotionally challenging part of wedding planning OR getting married? How did you respond? What big lesson(s) did you learn from the experience?

One part of wedding planning and getting married that I found to be very difficult didn't have to do with the actual wedding.  It was when people would ask about our future plans, or question them.  When you are planning a wedding you're planning the day that starts the rest of your lives together but sometimes this brought up subjects you'd rather not talk about time after time.  A few times people asked us why we were getting married so young.  We are both 24 and after being in a serious relationship for six years we knew this was not a rash decision and that we were not too young however, we found ourselves defending our decision to others.  

The subject of children was also brought up on a few different occasions.  Everyone has different thoughts on this subject and I felt uncomfortable when this was mentioned (although I know we have definitely not escaped this issue now that we're married!).  This is a very personal subject (and I can't believe how often it's brought up!) and I got stressed anytime anyone asked.  I know that the only thing that matters is what James and I think and I try to keep that in mind even now we are married.  As long as we've discussed the important things and are on the same page, or are open to discussion, we are ok and that's what matters.

 Another emotionally challenging part was the stress I put on myself!  I didn't want the typical "me me me" wedding  that seems to be all over the place now and I worried sometimes that I was getting too caught up in things.  Did I really need to spend that much money on flowers? Was that too expensive for a headband I'd wear once?  Luckily my family is amazing and helped to calm me down.  My mom reminded me that the money she and my dad had put away was for James and I to do with whatever we wanted.  I wasn't going overboard with anything and could splurge a little if I wanted to.  We could have had the 200 person dinner and dancing wedding if we had wanted so spending a bit extra on flowers for 30 was justified.  In the end I let myself spoil me a little and it did feel good.

What advice would you give to engaged couples?
 
My advice to those planning a wedding is to be open to suggestions but at the end of the day, stick to what you had envisioned.  It can be easy to be swayed by wedding shows on tv and the seemingly endless amount of wedding magazines available but if it's not "you" as a couple, don't do it!   A couple times I worried that I was missing out on some of the typical wedding things, such as not having a shower.  My sisters reminded me that I would have hated a shower, they were totally right!  They also helped reassure me that there is no typical way to get married.  Just because everyone is doing something one way does not mean it's the right way for you.  Every relationship is different, every wedding should be too.  It is so great to look back and think, "Wow that was the perfect way to share our love for each other with those we love." 



Dress: Dolly Couture
Reception: Stone House at Stirling Ridge (Warren, NJ)
Cake toppers: Etsy RedLightStudio