#57: Anti-Bridal Diet Update (part 3): Same size and gettin' wise

 Height: 5'0"

Weight: ~120 lbs.

Days until wedding: 2

Muffin top and pudgy upper arms: Still there

How hard am I kicking myself for not reaching my goal weight?: On a scale of 1 to 10, maybe about a 2.5

Not bad. Not bad at all.

I think it's safe to say that Women Food and God, my anti-bridal diet bible (which I've written about here, here, and here), has been a tremendous help. Part 2 of the book seeks to develop your awareness of your feelings without judging them or being so scared of feeling them that you crawl into an escape hatch they call the refrigerator. 

Once your awareness increases, you'll know when it's time to eat and when it's time to stop. It's seriously as easy as that. And unlike before, you'll listen to your body's cues, not your mind's lies. 

It's not about will power or fighting against what your body or taste buds want. It's about trusting your body - listening for when it's hungry vs. when your mind tricks you into thinking that your body needs to binge in order to rid yourself of guilty, anxious, angry, or sad feelings.

This book has given me peace of mind and a renewed appreciation for myself, and THAT'S what makes a bride happy with her body - not a number on the scale or on the tag of her jeans. And so, I present highlights from Part 2 of Women Food And God:

"...she needs to see the link she has created between loneliness in the past and aloneness in the present. Only then will she be able to see that she is spending the present fearing what's passed."

"Minds are useful when we need to conceptualize, plan, theorize. But when we depend on them to guide our inner lives we're lost. Minds are excellent at presenting a thousand different variations of the past and conjuring them into a future. And then scaring us with most of them. Most of the time we don't question our minds."

"Our minds are like politicians; they make stuff up, they twist the truth. Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies...our bodies don't lie."

"Feelings are in the body, reactions are in the head; a reaction is the mental deduction of a feelings. (And beliefs are reactions that we've had so many times that we believe they are true.)"

"By definition, eating compulsively is eating without regard to the body's cues; it therefore follows that when you develop the capacity to steer your attention back to your body, are aware of that what it says and are willing to listen to it, compulsion falls away."

"When you are bowled over by grief and our response is to eat a pizza, we halt our ability to move through the grief as well as our confidence that it won't destroy us. If you don't allow a feeling to begin, you also don't let it end." 

"I have never met anyone for whom years of rejection and hatred suddenly and miraculously turned to love, even after a face-life, LAP-BAND surgery, liposuction. When you love something you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate. Change happens not by hatred but by love."

"When external authority figures such as parents, teachers, and or family members communicate verbal and nonverbal instructions...we coalesce those voices into one voice - The Voice. The Voice feels and sounds so much like you that you believe it is you."

"The Voice usurps your strength, passion and energy - and turns them against you. Its unique way of blending objective truth - that you've gained weight - with moral judgment - that therefore you are a complete loser - leaves you feeling defeated and weak, which then leaves you susceptible to latching on to the next quick fix or miracle cure. Anything to stop feeling so desperate."

"Freedom is hearing The Voice ramble and posture and lecture and not believing a word of it. When you disengage from The Voice, you have access to yourself and everything The Voice supposedly offers: clarity and intelligence and true discernment. Strength and value and joy. Compassion. Curiosity. Love.

Then.

You can ask yourself if you are comfortable at this weight. If you feel healthy, energetic, awake. And if the answer is no, you can ask yourself what you could do about it that would fit your day-to-day life. What you can live with, what you can maintain. What stirs your heart."

Here, 2 days before my wedding, I am successfully pulling away from The Voice. It's taken me several weeks to get to this point. Soon I will be even more detached from The Voice, at which point I can begin to think about what kinds of lifestyle changes "stir my heart". 

Until then, I am happily still wearing a size 8.

#40: Anti-bridal diet update (part 2): Love thy chub

Last year I made an announcement that I would begin Operation White Bikini - a program vaguely formed in my imagination that emphasized awareness and only eating when I am hungry. Plain and simple, you see. No counting calories, gym obsession, self-hate, or deprivation. And my vow was that whatever size I was by the end of one year of this kind of mindful eating was probably my natural body weight. Therefore, I would have to learn to love every inch of me no matter how I looked in a white bikini at that time. This was the beginning of my fierce anti-bridal diet attitude.

But then I began my final year of grad school and internship; I turned to comfy carbs and those divine late night second dinners. I watched as last year's plan quickly turned into Operation Black One-Piece Miracle Suit.

Now my wedding is less than 4 weeks away and there is no way I'm toning these arms or shaving off this muffin top in time for the big day. Not unless I do a crash diet and run a few miles every day, which I say a big "HELL no!" to.

So it's back to the basics of my original plan, only this time I have some structure and inspiration to guide me through. It comes in the form of Geneen Roth's Women Food and God, which I've written about here and here.  I just finished part one of the book, which is all about the principles and the emotional/ spiritual implications of over-eating and dieting. And because some of you readers are busy working women trying to plan the biggest party of your life, I'll save you some time by giving you the highlights:

(Note: The author is a woman who had my Operation White Bikini idea nearly a decade before I was born. She has been both grossly overweight and frighteningly underweight in her lifetime, but she reports that ever since she stopped dieting 30 years ago she has maintained her natural weight. Now she leads retreats for those who struggle with eating disorders, yo-yo dieting, and obesity.)

"We think we're miserable because of what we weigh. And to the extent that our joints hurt and our knees ache and we can't walk three blocks without losing our breath, we probably are physically miserable because of extra weight. But if we've spent the last five, twenty, fifty years obsessing about the same ten or twenty pounds, something else is going on. Something that has nothing to do with weight."

"...if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To not leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this. Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight. But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive."

"Sometimes people say, 'But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it be that simple I overeat because I like food.' But. When you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something - love something - you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture. Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love; that's suffering."

"There are many ways to bolt....Distracting yourself from your pain by doing a thousand different things: thinking about something else, blaming your mother, blaming someone else, getting into a fight, comparing yourself to other people, dreaming about life in the future, recalling life in the past, never getting deeply involved. Eating."

"Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are."

"A few years ago, I received a letter from someone who'd included a Weight Watchers ribbon on which was embossed I LOST TEN POUNDS. Underneath the gold writing, the letter writer added, "And I Still Feel Like Crap.'"

"Obsession [over weight loss] give you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events...Obsessions are ways we leave before we are left because we believe that the pain of staying would kill us."

"...and you have a generation of godless girls...raised largely without a fundamental sense of divinity. In fact, our worth in the world has always been tied to our looks...not the amazing miracle of mere existence." 

"Fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves."

"Acceptance represents the basic challenge of compulsive eating."

"Of this I am certain: something happens every time I stop fighting with the way things are."

And with that I leave you with a "fat picture" from my bridal shower:

The dress from Target that I am wearing above had an "S" on the tag. But when I look at photos of myself in it all I can see is size "H" - huge. And then up come the red flags.

Why? Because this photo was taken during one of the most meaningful and happy moments of the entire day -- when all of the women made a circle around me and listened to my future in-laws as they welcomed me into their family. This is a snapshot of me feeling so utterly loved and grateful. So I'll be damned if I look at this photo and tell myself that I look disgusting, that I am chubby because I am lazy and undisciplined, and that I deserve to be unhappy because I didn't put in the work. Doing so would put a rain cloud of judgment over a perfect moment in my life. What a waste. What a tragedy.

My goal is to look at those chubby arms and thick mid-section and be grateful for my body and for my life. But I also want to see the fat not as something to hate or to judge, but merely as evidence of my attitude toward life and it's challenges: that if I eat this chocolate bar while I'm feeling angry, it will take the edge off. That if I devour the entire over-sized plate at a restaurant, this wonderful evening out with my friends will last longer and feel more fun. That if I snack on these leftovers while I finish this paper, the torture will be a little more bearable. Paying attention to this kind of warped thinking is the first step toward change.

So arms and waist, I love you. Why, look how much you've grown! You are bigger than you were last summer, and right now I am going to think about why.  I will sit with my difficult feelings and realize that I can feel them without being destroyed. I can sit with them and NOT numb myself with food. And after many months and years of practicing this kind of awareness and compassion toward myself, I will arrive at a new place -- a place where I will feel (and where you will look) different. I will be whole and present. You will be full and healthy.

#21: Anti-bridal diet update (part 1): Diary of an emotional eater

                                               
You frequently hear people, mostly women, say that they are "emotional eaters". And most of us don't need a background in psychology to know what this means.

So last week I decided to take note of exactly what I was thinking and feeling every time I ate when my body wasn't hungry. Here's what I came up with:

Situation: My dad and I were sitting in the kitchen and I felt the urge to give him a gift certificate for marriage counseling. But of course who in the right mind would do that, right? (And more importantly, he wouldn't use the gift certificate even if my mom wanted to.) 
Emotions: frustration, anger, helplessness   
Food of choice: As much Wheat Thins and brie cheese I could stuff in my mouth over the course of 15 minutes. (That equals more food than you think - when I'm angry I eat at a frantic pace.)

Situation: Fiance was coming home. I was leaving to pick him up. 
Emotions: excited, happy
Food of choice: Cadbury chocolate for the jolly drive to the train station.

Situation: Watching Say Yes To The Dress before starting some overdue work 
Emotions: I feel lazy (and guilty) when I'm watching TV and not doing anything else at the same time, like folding laundry or eating lunch. I was dreading the start of my overdue work. I felt guilty and anxious for my work being late. 
Food of choice: Second helpings of chicken with rice followed by more Cadbury chocolate

Situation: Time for QT - quality time with fiance. Watching Glee. Whee!
Emotions: relaxed, satisfied
Food of choice: sugar-free popsicle

Okay, so you've got the idea. Emotional eating is not just about eating ice cream when you're depressed about having been dumped. Emotional eating, for me, is when I eat in response to just about any strong emotion I feel - anger, excitement, satisfaction, and guilt. And that's pretty scary.

Some people might look at the food above, then look at me, and then decide that my problem could be worse. (Wheat Thins and 40-calorie sugar-free popsicles? And you're trying to squeeze into a size 6? Oh, boo-hoo. And the problem is???) But my size and my caloric intake are not the issue. The issue is that there are emotions (even positive ones) that I'm feeling, which I can only acknowledge and honor through eating. For my more complex and difficult emotions, I tend to cover them up with food. And avoidance, as easy an option as it is, is rarely the best one.

So as I'm reading Women Food and God, which I've discussed before, I am trying to understand and tame my reliance on food for my emotional needs. I am hungry for a deep spiritual connection that might enlighten me. It is a divine connection that would kick me in the butt and say Stop judging yourself. You're already loved more than you know. It's a connection that says Why are you walking on egg shells? Don't be afraid to speak your truth - your life is not one long popularity contest.

I don't want to stop overeating for the sake of a freakin' bridal diet*. HELL to the NO. I won't even be satisfied if I focus solely on improving my relationship with food. Because this is really about my relationship to myself. It's about my inner knowing and inner voice, God, through whom I already possess the key to being brave, being healed, and being free.

*I say this is not about a bridal diet, but this approach is easier said than done. (I still check out my arms and gut every time I pass a mirror, secretly hoping that my spiritual non-diet leads to a thinner me come July 31st.) Hey, gotta give a girl some credit for trying.

#14: The Dreaded Bridal Diet

Ahh, the dreaded bridal diet.

I get it. We want to look perfect in our dress. Some of us are paying $100 (or more) per hour to wear it so we had better be a knockout, right? We don't want bulges in all the wrong places. We don't want dangling wings of skin and chub flapping in the air as we raise our arms during the YMCA. We want to look back on our wedding photos and totally have a crush on ourselves.

But here's where women get psycho. Case Study: Me.
Five years ago I was a size 13. Then someone dumped me, I got depressed, lost 25 lbs and became a size 8. Right now my bust and hips are a size 6, but my waist is still stubbornly an 8. So I'm hoping that my muffin top decides to jump on board the 6 train like the rest of my body already has, ya know? But more than that I just wish I were a size 4.

Like I said - psycho. And scared. And self-loathing. And none of that makes me a brave bride as defined here.

Seriously, I'm not looking forward to cutting rice out of my diet. (I'm Filipino and that would be like asking me not to breathe.) So screw the dreaded bridal diet. I'm on a liberating non-diet. I'm seeking healing and wellness on a deeper level. And my manual is a book called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. (Check out more of my thoughts on this book at my other blog.)

I'm about to be someone's wife and maybe one day someone's mother. And (ironically), this means that I need to man up and grow a pair of balls. I can't continue with a yo-yo dieting lifestyle; that's like putting a bandage on a leaky pipe. It's avoidance. It's cowardly.

Somewhere deep inside all of my layers is a brave woman, and as you know from the title of this blog I'm trying to summon her during my wedding planning process. So I plan to document my journey with Women Food and God on this blog. I don't know what this book holds for me, but I do know that there will be no calorie counting, gym obsession, weekly weigh-ins, or guilt.

In short, there will be none of this (note ad on bottom):

...which would inevitably lead to too much of this:

On my wedding day I will most definitely still have some muffin top. But I will be a woman who is working toward physical and *emotional* health. And I think that's more beautiful than me as a size 4.

Who's with me??