#96: What does your wedding dress say about you?

"I want to look back at my wedding pictures and say, 'Oh my gosh, what was I thinking?!'" 

~ Bleach blonde boobalicious bride on Say Yes To The Dress who bought a sparkly, see-through, corset top ball gown with a scandalously deep plunging neckline.*

Why does a bride make such a big fuss over her wedding gown choice? I've got 2 answers for this. The first is pretty obvious: 

Societal pressure for women to prove their worth through their physical attractiveness + the Wedding Industrial Complex = Bride who feels she MUST find the perfect outfit!

And second reason? The gown has an important role in the wedding is because it's a symbol of a woman's identity. It represents her values, lifestyle, and personality. So it's no wonder women put so much thought into what she wears on her wedding day; it is a chance to make a statement about who she is, what's important to her, and how she wants to be perceived by her community.

There are 3 categories in which the significance of a dress can be examined:

Aesthetics

Based on the design of the dress, the bride can identity herself as sophisticated, sexy, simple, fashion-forward, fun, traditional, sweet, unique, sassy, or bad ass. She can even communicate her personal interest in periods in history, subcultures, and hobbies. It's actually pretty amazing how much a garment can "say" with no words.

Selection Process

A bride's values are reflected in how she goes about choosing a dress. Her decision making process says a lot about her. Does she value making decisions with the support of loved ones? Is it important to make decisions independent of other people's opinions? Whose opinion is most important to her?  Would she choose something for yourself if no one supported the decision? Would she wear an inherited gown? Does she want to make a statement about her relationship to the Wedding Industrial Complex by purposefully NOT getting too caught up in finding the "perfect" dress?

Production

How and where was the dress made? Are these important factors? Are her moral/ ethical standards applied to not just her own actions but those who have provided goods and services to her?

I'll end this post with a bunch of photos of me in my gown (because you know, I loved it and all. And who doesn't like sharing photos of things that make them all giddy?).

What does my gown say about me? Aesthetically I wanted something (1) sweet, romantic, and timeless  (2) form fitting around my wide hips because, you know, a girl's gotta appreciate her curves, right? (I am fertile. Hear me roar!) I also designed every inch of this dress, which was SO important to me. I'm sort of obsessed with identity formation, reflection, personal growth, and creativity, so designing my gown was an obvious choice.

And now here it is, a 360-degree view of my pretty little masterpiece:

                                         Mom, Me, Big Sis

                                      A farmer's tan and his wife

                                 Yes, that's a cemetery in the background

                               Ruffles galore!: My vintage style bustle

                                                 Hips! BAM!

Your turn. What do the aesthetics, selection process, and production of your gown say about YOU?

*I kind of LOVE the boobalicious bride's attitude. She could care less what will look good 25 years from now because she doesn't live in her head and get anxious about what hasn't yet happened. Pretty fearless, no?  

Photo credit

#68: The Wear 'N Care of Your Mom's Wedding Dress

When Brave Bride reader Jen read my submissions post she found the list of wedding-related topics that I'd love to pick someone's brain about. The topic on my list that Jen graciously and kick-assingly (yes, I just turned "kick ass" into an adverb) offered to write about is the option of wearing your mother's wedding dress. Because for some women, wedding dresses are about tradition, connection, history, and love that lasts generations, NOT just about fashion trends or looking damn fine. And because Jen totally rocks, she also shares a few practical tips for women who are going this route. Take it away, Jen...
 

I didn’t find my dress in a shop, or even online searching for vintage dresses. My dress is a 1976 Alfred Angelo, found in the back of our attic in a yellowing box that was falling apart. I am wearing my mother's dress.

                              Jen's mom in her wedding dress. Amazing, no?

My mother never planned on me wearing her dress, she never had it cleaned or preserved. She assumed we would go looking, and I would find a dress that made my heart sing, just like she did.  What dress it was - hers, new, old - didn’t matter to her.  At 18, I came across the dress in the attic, and fell in love with it for the same reasons my mother did. When I found her dress, it still had a mustard stain on it from her own wedding, and it was unevenly discolored with age, but it also had an ethereal, fairy-like quality that just called to me. I had always envisioned myself having this "fantasy forest" look at my wedding, as if I was Titania, Queen of the Fairies, and had just wandered out of the woods. This dress fits my vision perfectly. I loved that it was different from everything that’s available now; for some reason current dresses don’t make my heart sing like this dress did.  The question now was, after 30-plus years, could it be cleaned?

We thought about dry cleaners, but figured most of them wouldn't be able to figure out how to even out the discoloration. We knew it would never be white again, but hoped it would at least become a uniform ivory.  We also checked online to see if we could find tips, but while we found information about cleaning dresses, nothing talked about how to deal with uneven discoloration. Then my mom had a brilliant idea – talk to our local historical society. They have a costume and textile department, and we figured they probably dealt with this issue all the time. So I contacted them, and they were able to refer me to a former employee who dealt with fabric.  Sue was amazing -- she felt confident she could remove the yellow evenly, and believed the alterations for size could also be accomplished.  She took the dress for two months to do repeated soaking and rinsings.  

At this point, we figured we better have a Plan B, just in case the cleaning process didn't work. We started dress shopping, partly to see what backups were available, and partly because my mom wanted me to be sure I had a dress I really loved.  I did find the 'Ophelia' by Mon Cheri, but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t really 100% what I wanted. If Sue couldn’t clean my dress, I would get 'Ophelia', but I prayed and hoped that she could work magic because I wanted my mom’s dress. Luckily Sue came through; the dress looks beautiful and evenly colored, all for $75.  And, she said the alterations should be easy. Honestly, it does not look like a new dress, it is a bit darker than ivory, so this would not be an option for someone who wanted their dress to look pristine.  I like that look, though, it shows the history and the love in the dress; because, while I do love the dress just for itself, I also love the dress because it was my mother's. Having people be able to see that history is meaningful to me.

                           Jen in her mom's dress. Look- even the cat approves!

My experience contrasts with my cousin's, who is also wearing her mother's dress.  My cousin spent months trying and failing to find a dress that matched her vision.  While she wanted one of the modern styles, she couldn't quite find what she was looking for in a price range she could afford.  So they pulled out her mother's dress and took another look at it.  It had been more carefully stored, and was in very good shape.  They found a seamstress who was able to completely redesign her mother's 1980 dress.  Originally there was a high neck and long sleeves, now there is a sweetheart neck and lace cap sleeves. My mother, who knew it was her sister's dress, didn't recognize it at all --  it looks modern, pristine, and completely new.

Both of us, for different reasons, chose to wear our mothers’ gowns and are happy with our decisions, although we arrived at that place for two different reasons, from two different directions. Maybe you happen to love the style, age, or story that comes with wearing a family or historical dress; or maybe you want to repurpose an existing dress to save money. Just have an idea of what you’re getting into - if it's a family dress, make sure the family is okay with you changing the dress if you're planning to, and give yourself alternatives in case a dress can’t be cleaned or altered.  Be aware that it will probably not be 100% perfect, and be honest about whether or not that will be okay with you.

Will either of us save our dresses to possibly pass on to our own daughters? Knowing us, they will be saved for memories, but at least personally I don’t care. I want my daughter to fall in love with whatever kind of dress makes her heart sing, and that might not be the style of my dress. I am also unsure if the dress can hold up to another round of cleaning and alterations, since I know I probably won’t take care of it any better than my mother did.  It will be around, though, in a box in the attic, for her to find one day, and maybe she'll fall in love.

#67: 10 Tips for Building Your Wedding Dress Shopping Dream Team

There are 2 reasons why I like to watch brides go wedding dress shopping on TLC's hit reality tv show Say Yes To The Dress:

• I smile and squeal when I see happy brides find "the one". It's like finding my dress all over again.
• The fam-and-friend drama that unfolds as brides make their dress selection is equally intriguing as it is heart-wrenching.

What kind of fam-and-friend drama can happen in a fitting room, you may ask? Here are some loosely quoted exchanges I've seen on the show:

Bride: I LOVE this one, Ma. The pickups in the skirt are great.
Mom: I'd love it, too, if I wanted to look like a giant white artichoke. You should have just eloped.

Bride: I can't decide between these 2 gowns.
Twin sister: Well, we're all stuck here until you do so...hurry it up.

Bride: I was thinking of going with a mermaid style dress.
Cousin: But don't those only look good on, like, thin people?

Uh, right.

But there's good news. Reality tv isn't merely cyanide for the soul; we can actually learn something here, people. I've compiled 10 tips for selecting the perfect crew to take with you to the bridal boutique (or vintage clothing store, or basement in which designer knock-offs are sold. Whatev.).

Here we go...

1. The smaller the entourage, the better. Ten bridesmaids with ten different style preferences and ten million conflicting opinions can make for a very overwhelming shopping experience for you.

2. Don't worry, you are not obligated to bring any friend or family member whose presence you could do without. This includes Loud Mouth Lucy, Debbie Downer, and Type-A Theresa.

3. Consider bringing someone whose style you love. This person will make a terrific sounding board and will hopefully steer you away from the see-through corset top dress with the poofy ballgown skirt. (No offense to those of you who like the princess prostitute look.)

When I went dress shopping I was sure to bring my stylish sister, without whom I might not have gone with this lovely little number:

                                         My Dream Team: Mom & Sis

Note: I'm not necessarily advising you to bring your biggest fashionista friend. On SYTTD, trendy friends often can't help but envision their engaged gal pal in fashion-forward frocks that they themselves would love to rock. Instead, bring someone who will help you look like your best version of YOU.

4. If the one person you want to share the dress shopping experience with can't come unless you reschedule for next weekend, you'd better reschedule for next weekend. I've seen many women on SYTTD arrive at the store without their mother, only to leave empty-handed because they could not make a decision without Mom by their side. Understandable. For many women, there's something comforting and fulfilling about this tradition. And for many other women, this special someone is definitely NOT Mom. Who is your special someone?

5. If an important (but overbearing) family member wants to come along for the fun, ask her to join you for the dress fitting appointment instead. From what I've seen on SYTTD, the dress selecting appointment is a sensitive time; brides are trying to figure out who they are and how they'd like to feel in the dress, so there's no time for drama like having to defend your personal style. But to keep this relative in the loop (because after all, you love them), invite her/ him them to an appointment where their strong opinions have less of an affect on you.

6. Invite that unconditionally loving and inspiring friend of yours- you know, the one who loves Oprah and self-help books. This person will keep you feeling hopeful and supported, even after you've tried on 50 dresses.

7. Consider going alone. Hey, you were alone when you shopped for most of your wardrobe, right? Going alone can keep your head clear, focused, and calm. It's sort of like going to the movies or eating at a restaurant by yourself, both of which I've done in the past; things feel both surreal and serene. You might dig it.

8. Sometimes a camera will give you a more honest, trustworthy and unbiased opinion about a dress than any loved one can. So bring one. When you put on a beautiful gown you might feel beautiful by way of osmosis, but you won't necessarily look your best. A photo taken 10 ft. or so away will allow you to go home, review the shot, and assess its awesomeness minus the trick mirrors in the store that make you look 10 lbs. lighter. A camera is also free from the pressure of saying (in a high pitched voice) "Awww!" every time you walk out in an unflattering white mess of a dress.

9. You can bring your fiance if you want. I've seen this on many episodes of SYTTD, and so far none of these brides had 7 years of bad luck or whatever just because their hubster-to-be saw them in the gown before the wedding. My guy saw me in my dress countless times (to hold up mirrors, to take photos, to tell me whether the jumbo flower sewn close to my butt looks a bunny tail). Brian gives me good advice, he's honest, and he doesn't pressure me. Why not get his opinion on the dress?

(Note: If you want to surprise your guy at the altar with your dress choice, that's cool, too. But if, like me, you're confident that your guy will still find you gorgeous in something he's seen you in before - get ready for a lifetime of this, by the way - then feel free to take the handsome dude shopping!)

10. Shopping for a dress is not just about shopping for a dress. It's a ritual. It's an opportunity to bond with a relative, future in-law, or old friend. It's the packing of one final suitcase as your loved ones send you off to start a crazy adventure with your partner in crime. So...there are certain circumstances when you should scrap the 9 previous pointers and just go ahead and bring the whole damn posse.

But remember this: Now is the time to practice (because we ALL need practice), being brave. This means setting healthy boundaries, being able to say no, being a good listener, being firm yet kind, and understanding that half the junk your peeps say have less to do with you and more to do with t their own personality, interpersonal skills, and personal issues. So just get the dress you love and that's that. ;)

And that's the best I've got, folks. If you have anything to add please leave a comment below. Thanks!

#63: The Life And Death of My Wedding Dress

Part 1: Conception

At one point my wedding dress was a mere twinkle in my eye. It was a daydream. Hell, it was a wet dream.

So I reached out to vintage wedding dress designer Dolly Thicke of Dolly Couture and shared my ideas for a short and relatively casual gown. She drew this up for me:

I was so in love with the fun and flirty goodness of this dress! But then I went to David's Bridal and tried this on:

And I was in love. Again. But this time it was with the feeling of twirling around in a classic long 'n lace gown.

Knowing that there were other fish in the sea, I shopped around the Internet for more inspiration. (Remember?)

Many e-mail conversations later, Dolly created a new sketch based on my modified wish list:

When I saw this image it was like meeting my baby for the first time via a printed sonogram photo -- tears welled up and I let out a loud happy sigh. Amazed and elated, it was a moment of perfection.

Part 2: Giving Birth

I was indecisive, fickle, and painfully detail-oriented when it came to my gown. So even though it was quite lovely when it arrived at my house after 8 weeks of production, I felt that it was not (yet) all that it could be.

So Dolly (as wonderful as she is) took back the gown, sent it to the Intensive Care Unit, and nursed it to perfection. It arrived a few weeks later and fit like it was made just for me. (Oh yeah, it was!)

Part 3: Life

My dress lived a full life. I wore it through joy, laughter, frustration, exhaustion, and big love:

               Photo of my nephew giving me a flower just before the start of the ceremony

Part 4: Death

After the wedding I kept the gown on me for as long as I could. I didn't want to let go.

But in life you are only temporarily given family, your spouse, your children, your pets, and yes...even your wedding dress. We are to care for them to the best of our ability until our destined time with them is through- our mission complete.

The hem of my dress now carries dirt from the ground on which it danced and joyfully traveled. It has a story. But the story ends with the gown being put to rest in the same white garment bag in which it arrived. It's the circle of life, folks.

Farewell, oh beautiful wedding gown! I created you in my imagination. I endured much pain to bring you to life. I implored the help of others to help you grow. I showed you the world. But now it's time to say adieu...

(Dramatic much? Perhaps. But just wait until you form a special bond with YOUR gown...because then the love I have for mine won't seem so psycho.)

#29: Go Vintage Or Go Home: Spotlight on DOLLY COUTURE

If you've got great taste, a tight budget, a love of all things vintage, and impressive dance moves that require a fun, flirty skirt, then I've got the wedding dress designer for you: Dolly Couture.

This company specializes in short 1950's/ 1960's wedding dresses, but they can pretty much make any kind of custom gown that your little heart desires! And at an extremely reasonable price, too.  (Oh, joy!)

                             Image via ShortWeddingDress.com/blog

Dolly offers a whole line of designs to choose from, all customizable, starting at just $395. (No, that was not a typo!)  Even the custom designs that Dolly draws and creates based on her brides' ideas are often under $1000. (That was not a typo either.)

I had Dolly create a completely customized floor-length lace gown for me with tons of vintage details like a ruffly bustle. What a wonderful feeling it is to have your creative vision come to life! Worth. Every. Penny.

Here's a fun fact for you: My dress inspired the newest addition to Dolly's collection called the "Avila Bay". Click here to check it out.

The last thing I'll say about Dolly Couture (I have to cut it off somewhere, people), is that they offer THE best customer service around. You can call or e-mail them and expect a prompt response from Nickie Scates, multi-tasker extraordinaire and handler of all things related to your gown. You can even talk to the extremely personable and friendly designer/ founder/ owner Dolly Thicke on her Facebook page! There you can ask questions, chat with her other customers about their gowns, and view tons of "real brides" in their Dolly dresses. In short, working with Dolly Couture is not just about buying a dress; it's a unique experience full of creativity, fun, and support.

I'm sort of a softy so I expect integrity, kindness, and heart from wedding vendors, NOT just quality goods. I assure you that Dolly Couture CARES about us customers. And if there is one thing that brides need as they're getting pressured, judged, and ripped off throughout the wedding planning process, it's to feel cared for.

Bravo, Dolly Couture! You get the Brave Bride stamp of approval.

#6: Letting go of option #2

(Note: This post is about a dress. But it's also about that special ex-boyfriend/ ex-girlfriend from your past. What?? Huh???)

Okay, I try to be a laid back person who sees the big picture and appreciates the simple things in life...

But then the wedding dress hunt began-- and I became one completely INSANE woman. I've been making myself, my fiance, and my dress maker crazy with my indecision and last-minute changes regarding the design of my custom dress.

And last night, it happened again- I started to second guess myself. Upon reviewing my top 5 favorite wedding dresses from yesterday's post, I realized that there are 2 kinds of wedding dresses that I like. And since I went with option #1 for the design of my custom dress, I've been wondering if it was a mistake not to go with option #2.

Fiance Brian was getting super pissed off about all of my dress drama. He asked me why it is so hard to commit to one dress.

And then it hit me. Letting go of option #2 is like letting go of the man in your life who you might have married had you not met the man who would eventually become your #1 choice.

It's not easy letting go of that other option (be it a dress or a man) because it/he had some amazing qualities. Not choosing #2 feels as if you're minimizing how much it meant to you. But most of all, it still feels like a huge loss no matter what you've gained by choosing option #1. (Wait, are we talkin' the dress or the man here? I'll leave that up to your interpretation.)

 
I'm only human. So I'm going to wonder about option #2 from time to time, and that's okay. But what scares me is when all of this wondering makes me question how happy I am with the one I've chosen.

And this, my friends, is where commitment comes in. Eventually I've got to do it-- even when I'm totally scared and guilty about that fear. I must "Say Yes to the Dress" knowing full well that there are other wonderful eligible bachelors, err...DRESSES out there. Because once you've found a good one you've got to hold on tight or you'll end up with nothing.

So this is me committing. To the dress, to the man.

#5: Four wedding dresses and an identity crisis

                                                      (Gown by Lazaro)
Dress drama.

I thought that this would be the easy part of the wedding planning process - all I have to do is find something I like that's within my budget. Simple. Right?? Wrong.

It's starts off with this harmless question: How would you like to look on your wedding day? There are lots of looks to choose from, which would usually make the selection process fun and easy. The more freedom, the better, right? Well, for me it felt overwhelming because there is such a thing as too many choices.

If you know anything about me you won't find it surprising that my dress hunt turned into a whole soul-searching, identity crisis thing. (Sigh.) Here's why: Should I...

• Stick with my usual style, albeit a tad fancier and more expensive (Casual and fun with an I-don't-give-a-rat's-butt-if-this-dress-gets-dirty kinda attitude)

• Try looking how I've always wanted to look but could never quite pull off (Sexy mama. Woot-woot!)

• Go for what I drool over in bridal magazines (Vintage! OR flowy, romantic, and bohemian! Yeee!!!)

• Wear what I won't be embarrassed about 20 years from now (Pretty, simple, classic A-line.)

This is a soul-searching process because choosing a dress involves examining how you perceive yourself, how you would rather perceive yourself, how the world expects you to look, and how you want to be perceived by the world.

So for the past few months I've been grappling with all of these concerns. Here's what happened:

Since I consider myself fun, casual, and unique, I had my heart set (from the day after we got engaged) on wearing a vintage 1950's short dress.

Ooh...fluffy, floaty, and ruched! Plus delicate chiffon rosettes! ("Milan" gown by Dolly Couture)

                               

                                     Or...

Fun, flirty, and flattering! ("Beverlywood" gown by Dolly Couture)








Yup, I thought I knew who I was and what I liked. But when it comes to issues of identity, things are never that simple. Or at least not for me.

When I went to David's Bridal out of curiosity, I was surprised to find that I felt so pretty in the long and lace number shown below. (And who knew that I'd ever be so smitten with looking delicate and pretty? This was a shocker for me.)

On a second trip to David's Bridal I put on a hip-hugging gown that the sales lady picked out. This dress made me feel good about curves that I'd previously felt ashamed of. (Holy crap, I think I want to look sexy for once- gasp! So why not try to on my wedding day?)

So, you see...the Dress is not JUST a Dress. It's about who I am and who I wish I was, and finally, reconciling the difference between the two. There are some (advanced?) souls out there who either perceive themselves to be exactly who they hoped they'd be, or perhaps they've come to accept themselves fully, no matter what -- and good for them for feeling at peace with it all. And then...well, there's me.

#4: My top 5 favorite dresses!

The following are wedding dresses that I LOVE!!! Do you hear me, world? I LOVE them! All for different reasons, and all at different phases in my dress hunt.

Here we go!

You can't go wrong with a classic and romantic lace gown. The dark sash and long pearls give it a modern and stylish touch. (By Jim Hjelm):

If you are able to take your eyes off the model's boobs, check out this delicate, flowy, beauty of a dress. (By Jim Hjelm):

Unique, casual, interesting, and artsy. I ADORE this! (By Jim Hjelm) :

Oh. My. Gosh. Check out this sweet vintage-ish work of art. I'm drooooooling! (By Melissa Sweet):

Feminine and sexy with the mark of Spanish romance (see back of dress) for an unexpected, unique wow-factor! Oh, and people...this is the inspiration dress for the custom wedding gown that I'm having made! (By Manuel Mota for Pronovias):