A few months ago I updated my Facebook status with the following quote from Judith Martin's book Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings:
"Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention. You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion."
Well. It didn't take very long for 20 comments to pop up underneath this status update! Apparently, people feel very strongly about tiny frames, candles, chocolate, paper weights, and envelop openers. Who knew?? Well...I did, to be quite honest. Which is precisely why I dropped a bomb the way I did. Sometimes it's fun to watch things explode. ;)
Here are some of comments from my lovely friends and family in response to this controversial quote:
From one of my more traditional friends (who also happens to be engaged):
You're not getting favors?
From my best friend:
I only want a favor if it's edible...most favors collect dust
From a family member:
In my world, gifts were given to the best man, maid of honor, matron of honor (if they exist). Finito.
My traditional friend (again) in response to above comment:
You get a gift for everyone in the bridal party and a small favor for the guests.
My attempt to diffuse awkwardness between traditional friend and family member:
Basically this whole favor idea is just something that the wedding industry made up and labeled "good wedding etiquette". It didn't exist until recently. A real cash cow for them, a real pain in the butt for us. Some brides are into the idea, which is fine...but if you don't like flowers or favors, or if you can't afford them I won't think any less of you. If others do judge you on that, well...let the bird flipping commence. :)
From our best man:
How bout everyone gets to punch the groom (in the face) once...that could be everyone's favor.
From a married friend who gave one of the only wedding favors I've ever used in my life - fancy chopsticks:
You don't necessarily need to give favors. I know someone who donated to charity in their guests' names instead of giving favors at their wedding.
From a married friend who gave one of the only wedding favors I've ever used in my life - fancy chopsticks:
You don't necessarily need to give favors. I know someone who donated to charity in their guests' names instead of giving favors at their wedding.
From my matron of honor:
I regret my choice of favors 9 years ago. In hindsight I should've gone with something edible. Also, I shouldn't have allowed myself to get pressured into some other obsolete wedding traditions, but the event that should be about you & your dude often becomes about everyone else. Whatever...could've, should've, would've.
From my traditional friend (one last time):
Kim, Brian said you guys were going to do sexual favors.
* * * *
And THAT, dear readers, is what happens when you bring up wedding etiquette.
The only thing I'll say about the issue of favors is this: Let's not judge a couple based on their desire to give (or not to give) a small trinket (or edible delight, or a charitable donation) as a thank you gift. There is enough judgment and pressure placed on engaged couples as it is.
Having said this, I definitely encourage people to stay true to their values and beliefs, right down to the relatively minor decision about wedding favors. Because while I have no right to judge your favor of choice as lovely or lame, I WILL exercise my right to encourage you to be YOU. Give gifts whenever and however you wish; not because it's expected but because it's from the heart.
And also, if you give chocolate favors please note:
(1) Not everyone likes dark chocolate.
(2) Ooh, milk chocolate?! Mind if I take two???
Posts
I like that best friend :)
ReplyDeleteI felt silly about the whole wedding favor thing but wound up coming up with what I felt was a good compromise that reflected us as a couple. Originally I didn't want to do the whole wedding favor thing but in the end we wound up choosing magnets with a cartoon version of ourselves and our wedding date. We collect magnets (so the gift was something that reflected us), magnets are generally useful, and we were able to buy them in bulk for a decent price. Giving candy just to give candy felt silly to me, and lord knows everyone has too much knick knacks, but I felt like the magnets work.
ReplyDeletePS I like the Best Man's idea ;)
@ Linda - Eh, she's aight. ;)
ReplyDelete@ Steph - I actually loved your magnets! That was the only other non-edible wedding favor I've ever used besides the chopsticks. (And we DID get good use out of them because on the refrigerator of our old apt. we had sooo many photos and coupons and not magnets to hold them up.) Actually, I'm in my parents' kitchen right now...I just looked behind m...and THERE are your magnets holding up a photo of my nephew and a print out of my mom's favorite prayer. :)
Then again I'm sure there are wedding guests who ended up not using your magnets at all. And I make this point to let other brides-to-be know that it really is such a *small* decision to make, one that won't affect your wedding nor what your guests feel about you AT ALL, and one that won't please everyone. The truth is, half of your guests will love the favors, half of your guests will throw them out. Which is why you should approach favors as you would any birthday gift you give to a friend; you put some thought into it, be sincere in your intentions, hope they like it, and carry on. Because it's not actually about the giveaway itself- it's more about the intention and show of gratitude and love. Just because the gift happens to be tied to a once-in-a-lifetime event, doesn't mean that the favor itself has to be a once-in-a-lifetime/ super creative/ super expensive/ super unique object.
(Umm...I wrote that last bit for my "traditional friend" in the post above who happens to be stressing out WAY too much over favors. Girl, BREATHE! It's going to be okay!)
Sooooooooooo agree with that last paragraph...
ReplyDelete"Which is why you should approach favors as you would any birthday gift you give to a friend; you put some thought into it, be sincere in your intentions, hope they like it, and carry on. Because it's not actually about the giveaway itself- it's more about the intention and show of gratitude and love. Just because the gift happens to be tied to a once-in-a-lifetime event, doesn't mean that the favor itself has to be a once-in-a-lifetime/ super creative/ super expensive/ super unique object."