#40: Anti-bridal diet update (part 2): Love thy chub

Last year I made an announcement that I would begin Operation White Bikini - a program vaguely formed in my imagination that emphasized awareness and only eating when I am hungry. Plain and simple, you see. No counting calories, gym obsession, self-hate, or deprivation. And my vow was that whatever size I was by the end of one year of this kind of mindful eating was probably my natural body weight. Therefore, I would have to learn to love every inch of me no matter how I looked in a white bikini at that time. This was the beginning of my fierce anti-bridal diet attitude.

But then I began my final year of grad school and internship; I turned to comfy carbs and those divine late night second dinners. I watched as last year's plan quickly turned into Operation Black One-Piece Miracle Suit.

Now my wedding is less than 4 weeks away and there is no way I'm toning these arms or shaving off this muffin top in time for the big day. Not unless I do a crash diet and run a few miles every day, which I say a big "HELL no!" to.

So it's back to the basics of my original plan, only this time I have some structure and inspiration to guide me through. It comes in the form of Geneen Roth's Women Food and God, which I've written about here and here.  I just finished part one of the book, which is all about the principles and the emotional/ spiritual implications of over-eating and dieting. And because some of you readers are busy working women trying to plan the biggest party of your life, I'll save you some time by giving you the highlights:

(Note: The author is a woman who had my Operation White Bikini idea nearly a decade before I was born. She has been both grossly overweight and frighteningly underweight in her lifetime, but she reports that ever since she stopped dieting 30 years ago she has maintained her natural weight. Now she leads retreats for those who struggle with eating disorders, yo-yo dieting, and obesity.)

"We think we're miserable because of what we weigh. And to the extent that our joints hurt and our knees ache and we can't walk three blocks without losing our breath, we probably are physically miserable because of extra weight. But if we've spent the last five, twenty, fifty years obsessing about the same ten or twenty pounds, something else is going on. Something that has nothing to do with weight."

"...if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To not leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this. Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight. But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive."

"Sometimes people say, 'But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it be that simple I overeat because I like food.' But. When you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something - love something - you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture. Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love; that's suffering."

"There are many ways to bolt....Distracting yourself from your pain by doing a thousand different things: thinking about something else, blaming your mother, blaming someone else, getting into a fight, comparing yourself to other people, dreaming about life in the future, recalling life in the past, never getting deeply involved. Eating."

"Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are."

"A few years ago, I received a letter from someone who'd included a Weight Watchers ribbon on which was embossed I LOST TEN POUNDS. Underneath the gold writing, the letter writer added, "And I Still Feel Like Crap.'"

"Obsession [over weight loss] give you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events...Obsessions are ways we leave before we are left because we believe that the pain of staying would kill us."

"...and you have a generation of godless girls...raised largely without a fundamental sense of divinity. In fact, our worth in the world has always been tied to our looks...not the amazing miracle of mere existence." 

"Fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves."

"Acceptance represents the basic challenge of compulsive eating."

"Of this I am certain: something happens every time I stop fighting with the way things are."

And with that I leave you with a "fat picture" from my bridal shower:

The dress from Target that I am wearing above had an "S" on the tag. But when I look at photos of myself in it all I can see is size "H" - huge. And then up come the red flags.

Why? Because this photo was taken during one of the most meaningful and happy moments of the entire day -- when all of the women made a circle around me and listened to my future in-laws as they welcomed me into their family. This is a snapshot of me feeling so utterly loved and grateful. So I'll be damned if I look at this photo and tell myself that I look disgusting, that I am chubby because I am lazy and undisciplined, and that I deserve to be unhappy because I didn't put in the work. Doing so would put a rain cloud of judgment over a perfect moment in my life. What a waste. What a tragedy.

My goal is to look at those chubby arms and thick mid-section and be grateful for my body and for my life. But I also want to see the fat not as something to hate or to judge, but merely as evidence of my attitude toward life and it's challenges: that if I eat this chocolate bar while I'm feeling angry, it will take the edge off. That if I devour the entire over-sized plate at a restaurant, this wonderful evening out with my friends will last longer and feel more fun. That if I snack on these leftovers while I finish this paper, the torture will be a little more bearable. Paying attention to this kind of warped thinking is the first step toward change.

So arms and waist, I love you. Why, look how much you've grown! You are bigger than you were last summer, and right now I am going to think about why.  I will sit with my difficult feelings and realize that I can feel them without being destroyed. I can sit with them and NOT numb myself with food. And after many months and years of practicing this kind of awareness and compassion toward myself, I will arrive at a new place -- a place where I will feel (and where you will look) different. I will be whole and present. You will be full and healthy.