Image: One Love Photo


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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

#11: The "no good" list

A few moments ago fiance asked why I had not bothered to clean the cat box in the past few weeks, leaving him to scoop the poop nearly every night.

Me: I keep forgetting.
Him: If I were gone for a week would you just forget to change our kids' diapers? 
Me: (no answer)
Him: Or would you forget to feed them?
Me: (no answer)

And suddenly the following list pops up in my mind:

I'm just no good at...
  • follow-through
  • consistency
  • keeping my word
  • discipline
  • schedules
  • remembering
And then, with eyes already closed, fiance crawls under the covers and says in a groggy mumble: "But I don't hate you."

Know why he said this? Because he knows that the more strongly I feel a difficult emotion, the quieter I get. (Yup, introvert here.) And so he knew that in my silence I secretly felt hated. But not by him-- by myself.

In 75 days I am going to be somebody's flighty, moody, sensitive, fickle, coach potato, head-in-the-clouds wife. It's frightening and depressing to know that I will (on some days) be a disappointment to him. It only highlights the simplicity of the single life-- a time when I could keep my worst flaws somewhat tucked away, on a leash, and under control. I don't think any person (not my mother or my best friends) has ever had hand-to-hand combat with my flaws quite like my partner has.

But there's no turning back now. I've already signed up for the vulnerability and no-holds-barred kind of relationship that marriage is. So Brian, brace yourself--because there's no telling what ugly junk will surface from now until our golden anniversary.


  1. I love the honesty of this post. Again, it's the commitment that is really scary - in this case, committing to show the worst of yourself to your partner on a daily basis.

    I'm sure you will be better than disappointing :)

  2. Who is this wonderful Moz that graces my blog posts?? You are my favorite enigma and I've become quite curious as to who you are, haha! All I know is that you're an APW reader. Married, engaged, or just browsing?


Babbling about weddings is so much more fun when people babble back. :)

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