Monday, June 7, 2010
#17: Cold Feet (part 1): The grass is always greener in another cute boy's yard.
When you're in love and engaged you're not supposed to be checking out other guys and crushing on 'em like an 11-year-old, hormonal, acne-covered girl with mosquito bites for boobs. But I'm a bona fide boy crazy chick 4 life, and that may never change. I love first dates. I love blind dates. I love all dates. So being married, like, forever and ever, is a little scary for me. I'm nervous, to be quite honest. I wonder if I'll be any good at being a wife, and (to a lesser extent, actually), if Brian will be any good at being a husband.
I hate knowing that we will inevitably be attracted to other people. And I'm not just talking physically - I mean emotionally and even spiritually. Because the truth is, there are multiple people in this world with whom we could have a potentially wonderful romantic partnership. There are people who can make us laugh harder than our fiances can. And there are people who are not even capable of making us as annoyed as our fiances do at times.
So what's a girl to do when she's bent on all of these heavy thoughts? She talks to her fiance about it. And when I talked to mine, he did his usual little magic trick where he talks me down from the ledge.
Brian assured me that what I'm feeling is normal, and what I'm thinking is true. But he also said that if I keep holding back from fully committing because the grass is always greener in another cute boy's yard, I'm going to miss out on all of the wonderful things that are unique to a long-term relationship.
I'm coming to grips with the fact that having cold feet doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't mean I don't love Brian. It doesn't mean I'm not ready to be married. And it doesn't mean that I'm more likely to be a bad wife. I'm just proceeding with caution, moving forward, and plowing through. And that's the best and bravest thing I can do for now.
The torturous and confusing struggle to keep myself realistic (vs. pessimistic) about fidelity is baggage that I carry from my past relationships. It takes all my strength to muster up enough bravery and energy to put a lid on my obsessive anticipation of tragedy. This is the price I pay for the boundless, kick-ass love that I have with Brian. And when I think of my worries in those terms, my cold feet become room temp.