Weight: ~120 lbs.
Days until wedding: 2
Muffin top and pudgy upper arms: Still there
How hard am I kicking myself for not reaching my goal weight?: On a scale of 1 to 10, maybe about a 2.5
Not bad. Not bad at all.
I think it's safe to say that Women Food and God, my anti-bridal diet bible (which I've written about here, here, and here), has been a tremendous help. Part 2 of the book seeks to develop your awareness of your feelings without judging them or being so scared of feeling them that you crawl into an escape hatch they call the refrigerator.
Once your awareness increases, you'll know when it's time to eat and when it's time to stop. It's seriously as easy as that. And unlike before, you'll listen to your body's cues, not your mind's lies.
It's not about will power or fighting against what your body or taste buds want. It's about trusting your body - listening for when it's hungry vs. when your mind tricks you into thinking that your body needs to binge in order to rid yourself of guilty, anxious, angry, or sad feelings.
This book has given me peace of mind and a renewed appreciation for myself, and THAT'S what makes a bride happy with her body - not a number on the scale or on the tag of her jeans. And so, I present highlights from Part 2 of Women Food And God:
"...she needs to see the link she has created between loneliness in the past and aloneness in the present. Only then will she be able to see that she is spending the present fearing what's passed."
"Minds are useful when we need to conceptualize, plan, theorize. But when we depend on them to guide our inner lives we're lost. Minds are excellent at presenting a thousand different variations of the past and conjuring them into a future. And then scaring us with most of them. Most of the time we don't question our minds."
"Our minds are like politicians; they make stuff up, they twist the truth. Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies...our bodies don't lie."
"Feelings are in the body, reactions are in the head; a reaction is the mental deduction of a feelings. (And beliefs are reactions that we've had so many times that we believe they are true.)"
"By definition, eating compulsively is eating without regard to the body's cues; it therefore follows that when you develop the capacity to steer your attention back to your body, are aware of that what it says and are willing to listen to it, compulsion falls away."
"When you are bowled over by grief and our response is to eat a pizza, we halt our ability to move through the grief as well as our confidence that it won't destroy us. If you don't allow a feeling to begin, you also don't let it end."
"I have never met anyone for whom years of rejection and hatred suddenly and miraculously turned to love, even after a face-life, LAP-BAND surgery, liposuction. When you love something you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate. Change happens not by hatred but by love."
"When external authority figures such as parents, teachers, and or family members communicate verbal and nonverbal instructions...we coalesce those voices into one voice - The Voice. The Voice feels and sounds so much like you that you believe it is you."
"The Voice usurps your strength, passion and energy - and turns them against you. Its unique way of blending objective truth - that you've gained weight - with moral judgment - that therefore you are a complete loser - leaves you feeling defeated and weak, which then leaves you susceptible to latching on to the next quick fix or miracle cure. Anything to stop feeling so desperate."
"Freedom is hearing The Voice ramble and posture and lecture and not believing a word of it. When you disengage from The Voice, you have access to yourself and everything The Voice supposedly offers: clarity and intelligence and true discernment. Strength and value and joy. Compassion. Curiosity. Love.
You can ask yourself if you are comfortable at this weight. If you feel healthy, energetic, awake. And if the answer is no, you can ask yourself what you could do about it that would fit your day-to-day life. What you can live with, what you can maintain. What stirs your heart."
Here, 2 days before my wedding, I am successfully pulling away from The Voice. It's taken me several weeks to get to this point. Soon I will be even more detached from The Voice, at which point I can begin to think about what kinds of lifestyle changes "stir my heart".
Until then, I am happily still wearing a size 8.